To think this is a little unnecessary ? (Mil related)

[Chamonix1]

In many ways I like my mil. This is not meant to be a bashing thread.
However, my mil can be somewhat overbearing. It's noted by many but her positive traits outweigh this, none of us are perfect etc, dd loves her and her husband lots.
recently she has got into changing my daughters clothes (aged 4) every time she goes to her house. I'd completely get this if daughter had dirtied her clothes (although she does get packed spares) or if she was worried about permanently staining her clothes because they were special etc.
However, dd is sent in practical clothes and with spares in case she needs.
I understand that if mil has picked up a special outfit she would love to see dd in, but this is every.time.
Dd has got to the age now where she likes to pick aspects of her outfits and I allow this as long as it's appropriate. She's starting to make her own identity and express it.
Mil has as stated been very overbearing in the past, mainly with DH who as a child was controlled in such ways and it did continue into adult life, he now has a bit of a rocky relationship with his mum due to her controlling traits. (I'm talking more than telling him what to wear. Although that was pushed into his mid twenties)
Would I be unreasonable to just point out she really needn't change her clothes and that dd likes to choose parts of her outfit? I really do feel like she's been treated like a dolly and she's well past the baby age where she doesn't care.
I'm aware that on the grand scheme of things this is trivial, however the element of control mil likes to have over everyone is now bothering me as i feel it'll be affecting dd.
For what it's worth if someone was to do this to DH when he was a child my mil would've been very cross, she takes pride in her appearance and this was applied to my husband when little too, it would most certainly be seen as an insult.
Maybe she really hates my choice of clothing for dd? Do all grandmothers do this? Maybe one day I'll understand, but for now I'm confused to say the least.

My mil got dd4 to try on new clothes she bought her.
My dd same as your likes to choose what she wears.
When I'm there dd looks to me as if screaming can I take it off. She doesn't wait two mins before its off and other clothes (usually my little pony) are put back on.
My dd is really stubborn and does tell mil that she wants 'her' clothes back on.
Now I just get the new clothes passed to me, I say thanks. then leave them in wardrobe cos I know she won't wear them

So to actually answer you lol. I think its just what some do.

What would happen if you said: "DD's chosen her outfit especially to show you today - she'd like to wear it all day." ?

If she graciously accepts it, no problem. But if not you'll have to bring it up again.

Yes it is controlling, i dress my dd in confortable clothes, i know my mil would prefer her in dresses but they are impracitcal and she cant be as active in fussy outfits.

Why does she care so much about what dd is wearing? Thats what im more bothered about here. She doesnt own her dgd, no one owns her, she is starting to express herself and you are doing the right thing imo by fostering this and letting her make her own choices.

I understand if she has form for controlling behaviour that you would be more aware of this. What does dh say?

Like most women we enjoy children's clothes. Let your MIL enjoy dressing your DD. I bet she has a particular 'little girl' style. She's not hurting anyone as she's doing it at her house. It's not snubbing you she's just indulging herself.

Nizuc at what point do we teach our children that their feelings matter and they have their own autonomy?

I would hate someone making me change their clothes at their house, and no one would argue that this was acceptable. So why should a child's own feelings be ignored here?

I wonder if this is one of those situations where a behaviour that is apparently minor 'stands in' for a much more major problem?

You say your MIL is very controlling and your DH suffered from this when he was a kid. Is this still a problem in some way beyond the change of clothes? If it is, then this is a tip-of-the-iceberg situation. If not, and MIL is generally a positive, sunny influence in your DD's life, maybe take one for the team on this?

Nizuc
In many ways I totally agree. However I can't help but feel at some point dd needs to be able to openly express herself and create her own identity. Surely by saying " you where what grandma wants, you dress like this just whilst you're here, get on with it" I'm not encouraging my daughter to be herself?

Will your daughter protest? Mine did so I left her to it her voice is more piercing than mine

Mil had her dc to dress as she chose. .
Your turn. .

Maybe no unsupervised contact?
My mil bought moth balled dresses from a church table top sale for when she had my dd.

She never had her.

Problem solved.

Bemused
It sort of is a tip of the ice bath situation. However this is the first time i have felt it affects dd, which is where my issue is.
as adults we have had a lot of teething issues with mil, DH himself distances himself from her, in fact I make more of an effort than him with her.
She is a sunny person on the outside and very loved by dd I did worry that as dd started being her own self and doing things mil didn't like there would be Issues. Just didn't think it'd start at 4 with what dd chooses to wear.
As I said, occasional special outfits I do understand. She's a grandma it must be special to her, but dd is not a dolly.

Ollie- DH just can't be arsed with arguments with her. In the past when dd has been bought toys on a weekly basis and showered in "things we've mentioned perhaps this isn't the best thing for dd all the time and to indulge her in other ways and been called terrible parents and that we would be depriving her of loving grandparents to ask them to buy her less "stuff".
He said its "weird" but "meh".

Ice bath?
Ice burg.*

Abbsis
She certainly protests at home when I ask her to get dressed and she's making a fuss so just give her some to put on, if they aren't right she won't wear them.
However I doubt mil would pay attention if she really waned dd to wear something. Also unsure if dd would have the same argument with her grandma. Mums get all the fun stuff don't we.

My DM has done this a few times - she will insist on keep buying DD (16m) pretty little dresses, which DD never wears unless we are going to a party or event because they are impractical day to day and if they are a bit stiff they don't seem very comfy to me. I put her mostly in tops/tshirts and trousers or long leg rompers if its warmer. Some
dresses and tights in winter but soft comfy ones not stiff, formal things.

I've told DM this and that if she wants to buy her things that she's going to get some wear out of it'd be better to get practical stuff (not that she has to get her anything, of course!). When I leave her to babysit she's often got one out of her wardrobe and put it on her. I just outright say it now - "Mum, why is she wearing that? If she needs an outfit change please put her in the stuff I've left out for you".

She'll normally say that she looks so pretty, well yes, she does but a flappy little dress isn't great for crawling/running about or playing on swings and more importantly means she had easy access to her nappy (which, given the chance she'll pull off!).

Just ask her not to. She's your child, you (or she) chooses what to wear.

Does DD like the clothes MIL is changing her into? And does MIL put her own clothes back on when you pick her up?

Sounds like MIL doesn't approve of your taste in clothes to me.

at tip of the icebath!

I would say that your spidey-senses are tingling here, OP. You know MIL is controlling, you've been waiting for it to manifest itself, and here is it!

But, thing is, there is proportionality in this. I would say that you're not being unreasonable to feel a BIT uncomfortable about this, and that maybe a gentle, kind word to MIL about the clothes would be appropriate - but bearing in mind she's caring for your DD for free! However, I would be cautious about assuming that because this is happening some devastating chain of controlling behaviour has been started - there's no evidence of that yet, and it would be jumping the gun, I think, to go nuclear about this at this point. I do, however, think it's great that you're switched on and attuned to the possibility of future problems here. I think there may be work to do with your DH on reassurance - you would probably feel way better about this if you felt part of a parenting team that was ready and willing to swing into action should something more ever happen. The problem with the "meh" reaction from your DH is that it's making you feel a bit isolated dealing with this.

I think your dd is old enough for you to ask her how she feels about it. Tell her she doesn't have to let mil change her clothes if she doesn't want to and you'll speak to mil if she doesn't like it, but if she doesn't mind, that's fine.

i wouldn't be happy with this. It's treating a child like a doll/possession. I can understand getting a dgc to try on a new item of clothing for size, but not a whole new outfit every time.

Pandora
"Sounds like MIL doesn't approve of your taste in clothes to me."

I don't blame her, my little pony tops with bright pink leggings wouldn't be my choice either but I'm not 4.

I don't know if dd likes the clothes, I get sent photos of her in the clothes that's the only way I know she's been changed as soon as I've left, she's dropped back in clothes I sent.

Bedmused
You're right, it may not be this big chain of control, it's just that big red flag, when I realised what was going on felt like mil had come marching in waving it in my face.
If dd loves the clothes, fair enough. I guess the fact is I don't know if she does and don't think dd would necessarily say "but I don't want to wear that" to mil. I'd hope she would say so if she didn't like it but know mil can be pushy with her opinion.
Yes would be nice if DH saw the connection and why it bothers me. He has learnt not to disagree with his parents, ever. Unfortunately that element of this is what worries me most. That it'll be the same with dd.

In that case OP I would talk to her and say that DS chooses her clothes and you don't feel it's right that she changes them whilst at her house.