To think this is a little unnecessary ? (Mil related)

[Chamonix1]

In many ways I like my mil. This is not meant to be a bashing thread.
However, my mil can be somewhat overbearing. It's noted by many but her positive traits outweigh this, none of us are perfect etc, dd loves her and her husband lots.
recently she has got into changing my daughters clothes (aged 4) every time she goes to her house. I'd completely get this if daughter had dirtied her clothes (although she does get packed spares) or if she was worried about permanently staining her clothes because they were special etc.
However, dd is sent in practical clothes and with spares in case she needs.
I understand that if mil has picked up a special outfit she would love to see dd in, but this is every.time.
Dd has got to the age now where she likes to pick aspects of her outfits and I allow this as long as it's appropriate. She's starting to make her own identity and express it.
Mil has as stated been very overbearing in the past, mainly with DH who as a child was controlled in such ways and it did continue into adult life, he now has a bit of a rocky relationship with his mum due to her controlling traits. (I'm talking more than telling him what to wear. Although that was pushed into his mid twenties)
Would I be unreasonable to just point out she really needn't change her clothes and that dd likes to choose parts of her outfit? I really do feel like she's been treated like a dolly and she's well past the baby age where she doesn't care.
I'm aware that on the grand scheme of things this is trivial, however the element of control mil likes to have over everyone is now bothering me as i feel it'll be affecting dd.
For what it's worth if someone was to do this to DH when he was a child my mil would've been very cross, she takes pride in her appearance and this was applied to my husband when little too, it would most certainly be seen as an insult.
Maybe she really hates my choice of clothing for dd? Do all grandmothers do this? Maybe one day I'll understand, but for now I'm confused to say the least.

As you say, your DD is not a dolly.
This does need nipping in the bud, or her controlling behaviour, as experienced by your DH, will rear its ugly head.
Be nice, but direct, MIL, DD is developing her own personality, and part of this journey, is deciding on which outfit, she would like to wear, she has outgrown the clothes swapping at your house. So I think it's better if we both acknowledge, that the dress up stage has passed by, and DD now makes her own choices.

That is seriously weird. I wouldn't let her stay there without me. Not letting her wear he own pj's is not on. Your DD should know she can say no to her GM.

I have to say, this all seems quite weird to me. Can understand grandparents having a few emergency clothes like jogging bottoms and t-shirts tucked away in case a grandchild wets themselves, or they decide they want to do something messy like fingerpainting or going on a muddy walk and they don't want to wreck the clothes they were dressed in when the arrived - but not just dressing them in a completely different outfit for no reason. I do think it's massive inappropriate to treat a child like a doll and dress them up for your own amusement.

Polly
I agree. In fact I wish my own mum did have a spare outfit at hers or two or three, she trashes dd's clothes with lots of messy fun and seems to go through as many as I pack and end up needing to take 5 outfits round everytime she has her

Just how the hell do i put it without causing a bit issue. They'll just say "they're just clothes, we are her grandparents and just want to spoil her"
Can see it going down like a tone of bricks.
Once I decided not to pack anything and mil sent her back in dirty clothes (not that it bothered me, but it was pointed out) telling me she had no choice as dd had no spare clothes. Just as MIL's famously can't win on mumsnet neither do us dil's!

Im a gm and would never change my gds clothes. I buy her a few bits say if we are on holidays but l give them to her and its up to her and her dm if she wears them. I have to admit its disappointing sometimes never seeing something on her but its my decision to keep buying. I always go for practical clothes after buying her a beautiful dress once only for her to turn up at a function in a dress that was too small. For some reason her dm obviously didnt like the new dress and l never saw it on her.
But back to original post l would never change her clothes. Saying that she has a mind of her own and no way would she agree to change if didnt want to. Could you say to dd in her presence..now Amy dont be changing your clothes today..stay in the clothes mummy put on..
A bit passive aggressive but might give her the hint.

Some people hate 'branded clothes' - clothes with tv/Disney characters on them. (I suspect it is a bit of a class thing.) Is it clothes like that that your MIL is changing her out of?

I think it is crazy behaviour frankly. Would all the people saying it is Ok think it was fine of you went to someone's house and they insisted you change all your clothes for no reason whatsoever ?
It is totally unnecessary to change her clothes unless there are practical reasons- such as they have become wet or dirty, or the weather changes unexpectedly and she needs something cooler or warmer.

She's not a doll she's a person. It isn't a thing granny's do so you have to indulge it, I am 57, wouldn't dream of doing it, because I'm not bonkers. I would admire the clothes she has on (as she is picking them herself) and get on with our day.
I'd tell MIL to stop it, - ' I'd rather you didn't change DD's clothes MIL, she is fine and comfortable in what she is wearing'

Junebirthdaygirl - my DM is a bit like you, sometimes, I think. She buys beautiful dresses and is a lovely Granny. Unfortunately some of the things she buys are just completely impractical. Some I don't like if I'm honest but as my DD is only 16 months I do make the effort to put them on her if they are sensible items (as she doesn't care a jot what she's wearing) when DM comes to see us. I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings when she's been thoughtful enough to buy something. However, I do find the impractical things a problem and also when she buys things out of season for her to grown into - which inevitably only fit once the seasons changed and then they are unsuitable.

Just wondering if something you've bought might be impractical or the wrong size for the season and that's why your GC wasn't put in what you bought. Might help you avoid this in future if that's the case. Keep buying if you want, I'm sure it's appreciated!

LadyPeter it doesn't matter if they're branded, to tie in, or Tesco finest. Grandma has no right to change her out of perfectly serviceable clothing to suit her own agenda.

If anybody tried it with any of mine they'd only get to try it the once as I'd simply make sure the situation had no chance of arising again.

My ex's mother used to do this with my son (12) when he was too young to speak for himself... so, round about 2 to 3-ish. He would go to visit his grandparents in, say, a pair of jeans, a plain tee-shirt, trainers... and he'd come home in a shirt, a pair of smart trousers and unlaced trainers.

The first few times, I thought "well... they see him once a fortnight for a few hours (their son's choice, incidentally, not mine), and it's not really hurting anyone if they dress him up" - until my son asked me why they would change him out of "those horrible clothes" as soon as I'd left him in their care.

Let's put it this way. My ex-MIL discovered at that point the first uncrossable line in the sand of my family. My son - like your daughter, OP - liked to choose his own clothes at that age. It's their first step on the road to independence. They would denegrate the clothes he was in, presuming that it was my choice... not his. And, in the process, they made him feel like shit. Like his thoughts, and opinions, and choices... didn't matter.

They didn't do it again after I told them point blank what they'd done to their only (at that point) grandson. His father... oblivious to it all, I'm afraid. What his Daddy and Mummy say/want/think, is what he goes along with. It's partly why he's my ex. However, the children from his second marriage are still enduring what my son went through, because my son's stepmother is too afraid to rock the boat on her babies behalf.

My son says he feels sorry for them.

I simply feel sorry for his stepmother who hasn't yet found her titanium spine.

My MIL used to always do this! ExDH would often take the kids for a visit while I relaxed shopped. It's like they believe they know best.
She also used feed my DDs jars of baby food at her house. I always packed home-made purees etc which used to come home spoiled.

How much longer will MIL be caring for your child? Is it childcare when you're at work? Won't DD be at school soon? Is your MIL helping you out with childcare?

I'm just wondering whether the problem might resolve itself pretty soon.

IncyWincy I agree with you! I was just trying to suggest a reason why the MIL might be doing it, not saying that she was right to do it.

They'll just say "they're just clothes, we are her grandparents and just want to spoil her"

But it isn't "spoiling" your DD - being changed out of your own clothes into "Granny's clothes" isn't some sort of treat for the child. It's purely for the grandmother's benefit.

Tell her that a treat is only a treat if the child sees it that way and that you're sure she can think of something else which the child would genuinely appreciate - a special outing, a morning spent baking, or a new game for example. It may sound trivial now, but she's imposing her will on you and your DD - I'd put a stop to it before her interference escalates.

Honestly, some of these grandparents give the rest of us a bad name

They'll just say "they're just clothes, we are her grandparents and just want to spoil her"

'And I'm her mother, and I've just made my wants clear. Now please stop doing xyz'

Say "you need to stop changing her clothes, and you need to let her choose what pjs to wear and which of her own clothes to put on in the morning". Be nice and clear.

You can think of answers for everything they'll come back with - "we want to spoil her - so buy her a MLPony", "it's just clothes - good so you won't mind stopping", "it's just clothes - excellent, if you'd just change out of yours now into these ones I've picked for you".

But really there's no point arguing, just say this is how it is because we're the parents and we get to decide. Since Mil is going to have a strop whatever you do, let her get on with it.

She might say, ok you're her parents, you take care of her!

This has just reminded me of my cousin (much younger than me) who was looked after by both grannies at home.

My aunt came home from work to find that one granny had changed her in to a dress, but not to be outdone her other granny had added a pair of trousers.

I think there was shouting about not being ridiculous.

If any family member doing childcare is conditional on doing whatever they want to the child irrespective of how the child feels about it, then that would be the end of them doing childcare to me.

Your dd saying 'she wouldn't let me wear my pyjamas' says it all. It's nothing to do with dd, she is being used by an adult who wants to meet her own needs and isn't interested in the child's feelings, autonomy, choices or even in their right to say no to someone undressing them. Thinking of the four year olds in my family - I'd be prepared to stand on a line over this. It's not ok to believe that children can be manipulated and made to meet your needs as an adult, it's not loving, it's not acceptable.

My Mam did this - bought special clothes so ds 'looked smart' when out with her. I found out when, aged 3, he cried to bring home his new coat. I got the roof - it was more the secrecy of it that I didn't like.

I told her in no uncertain terms that, unless he had an accident, he was to stay in the clothes we sent. His clothes were clean, age appropriate, ironed etc. She preferred him in smart shirts (primarni best!).

She's had the chance with her own kids to pick clothes. It's our turn with ds

My mum and (nice!!) mil both kept spare clothes for my dcs when they were there - they'd ask me for spares (like a complete outfit) in case of messiness/accidents etc, but just the one outfit. Maybe they bought a cheap 5 pack of pants/socks as well, to keep at theirs but that's all. They see my dcs as people though not as dolls to dress up. This is weird. What about when dd wants to wear ripped jeans, pierce her nose and dye her hair pink, black and green? Will granny try to stop her!? I know mil has jokingly offered to patch the 'fashionable' rips in dd's jeans but that's ok
'Not being allowed' to wear her trolls pyjamas is just crackers. Who on earth gives a flying monkeys what a child wears to go to bed?
Nip this in the bud OP, if DH won't do it then I'm afraid you're up. Embrace the evil dil role and stand up for your kiddies. Just be aware she may stop babysitting, but would that be such a terrible thing? She sounds kinda horrible to be honest.

This is not trivial, it's a starting point for a controlling grandma.
My mother did some serious damage to my self esteem with her controlling ways, please don't let this become a trend, you really need to put your foot down with it every single time!

Just say what you've got to say, stand up for your daughter, if MIL doesn't like it, it's her problem, not yours. Seriously, she needs to learn boundaries.