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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have come to the conclusion that DH and I are very different people?

103 replies

OverTheHammer · 13/08/2017 09:26

I've realised the only thing we're good at together is holidaying.

The rest of the time is boring as hell. We rarely have sex despite only been married just over a year (I've posted about this before). He goes to bed late (midnight) and moans if I want to go earlier. I like to get up early and get the most out of the day. If he's not at work he won't get up until gone 11 and then every weekend is the same. He gets up at 11ish, puts the shitty radio (some obscure channel that plays shit that just gets on your nerves), starts frying bacon, plays on the computer ... it's a lovely day why can't we go out??! I got up at 7am and took the dog for a long walk in the fields - just got back and am going to head to gym. When I get home he'll either still be in bed or sat at the PC.

We could have a drive to the coast, a walk to the local pub for lunch - anything but no, he won't want to do any of that.

I've just joined a martial arts class, I suggested he join with me but no, it's not his thing. Fair enough but tennis wasn't his thing either, neither was swimming or jogging or anything else I suggest.

I've lost a lot of weight recently and am getting my confidence back. He kicked off the other day as I mentioned martial arts hopefully making me a stronger person. He said he didn't realise that's why I wanted to do it and that changes how he feels about me doing it. Why wouldn't you want your OH to be stronger??

He drinks a lot too. Downed beer after beer last night and then caused a random argument with me about the dog chewing the TV remote - that happened a week ago and apparently the dog doesn't destroy anything when he's around (bullshit, the dog is a fucking nightmare, as lovely as he is).

Last night was Saturday night. We were meant to be putting on a film to watch. I waited until 9pm and then went to see if he was ready. He tried to put a film on, said it wasn't working so put on athletics instead. He knows I don't like watching this but doesn't think to put on something we both like. I tell him I didn't want to sit watching that all night so he said he'd keep it on for 10 minutes and then put the news on. The news???!! It was Saturday night! We were meant to be watching a film with a glass of wine but no, he'd got sloshed on beer and now no longer have a shit about how I felt about anything.

I'm just fed up of him and this boring lifestyle composed of sitting around a computer, getting drunk on lager, moaning, complaining, no sex, no conversation - wish I'd never got married.

OP posts:

annandale · 13/08/2017 09:28

Why did you fall in love with him?

Did you live together before marrying?

TheUpsideDown · 13/08/2017 09:29

Did you not realise how different you both were before you married him?

Didiusfalco · 13/08/2017 09:29

Okay, that's all going to be a hundred times more annoying if you have children.

Cut your losses and part ways amicably now?

Snap8TheCat · 13/08/2017 09:29

Well everyone's different no? The only things you say you suggested to him were sports- that's not my cup of tea so I'd find that boring too.

Surely you knew all this before you married him? Maybe it's you that's changed since you lost weight?

delftblue · 13/08/2017 09:30

That sounds so restricting and suffocating.

Life is too short. Just move on..

HipsterHunter · 13/08/2017 09:33

Yeah you don't sound very comparable and he's going to piss you off to the extreme if you have a baby's with him

Original poster

OverTheHammer · 13/08/2017 09:35

When we first got together he was fun, always coming up with ideas on things we could do but thinking back, it was always stuff HE wanted to do involving live music. I like that too but got bored of it as that was ALL we ever did. I'd suggest a date night and he'd insist on us going to watch a band, we'd go, he'd get hammered, he couldn't talk to each other because of the noise - how is that a date night?

We used to go to cinema a fair bit but it was always me having to arrange it and sort it out and it was always obvious that he couldn't really be arsed but was doing it to keep the peace.

I know all the stuff I suggested was sporty but I've also suggested other stuff which he says he can't be bothered to do - taking the dog to the forest, cinema, going for pub lunch on a Sunday ... he doesn't want to do anything

OP posts:

RestingBitchFaced · 13/08/2017 09:35

Don't have kids with him. Do you love him?

ThePinkOcelot · 13/08/2017 09:40

You're right, you're not compatible. You should be out enjoying yourselves on weekend. He would drive me nuts!
My DH lies in bed, but he is in ill health. Even so, I find it annoying at times. I would be really annoyed if he had no excuse.

swingofthings · 13/08/2017 09:40

He sounds depressed? Stressed? Overworked?

Blodplod · 13/08/2017 09:42

The first thing I wondered before you mentioned it in your OP was whether he drank a lot. I think a lot of the issues surrounding why he can't be bothered to do anything revolve around that to be honest. I'm guessing he's constantly hungover and can't be bothered to do much because of the way he's feeling. His 'hobbies' as it were before seem to revolve around drinking (live bands etc). Just an observation..

BrevilleTron · 13/08/2017 09:43

Sounds like my stbxh. I left. I'm much MUCH happier now.

Original poster

OverTheHammer · 13/08/2017 09:47

Yes I think drink is the problem. Every weekend he says he's going to try and cut down but he never does. He bought a pack of 20 Carlings yesterday and half the pack is gone just from last night.

I did love him but now I question it. I have even found myself fantasising about discovering an affair he's having just to give me the excuse.

In our earlier days he would drink a lot and then cause arguments, get aggressive and turn into the worlds biggest arsehole. This doesn't tend to happen as much now but I question whether that's because I no longer react to his bullshit so he has nothing to feed off so to speak.

OP posts:

TheUpsideDown · 13/08/2017 09:50

He does sound depressed. Is there something else going on? Or just stuck in a rut?

Have a good old fashioned heart to heart to heart and explain you feel the spark has gone. You need him to put the effort in otherwise it's not going to last.

My DH and I are very different. We're very typical of the whole 'opposites' attract cliché. Our opposite interests allow us 'me time'. We'd be getting on each others tits if we did everything together and had nothing of our own to enjoy as an individual.

However we have figured out what we do like to do as a couple... eating out, cinema, walks. So while we enjoy our own hobbies alone, we do make an effort to set aside time to do something together.

Farmerswife4life1984 · 13/08/2017 09:51

Does he work long hours ? Is he interested in any of his own hobbies ? Does he have friends ?? Do not have kids with him

missiondecision · 13/08/2017 09:51

I'm not surprised you are bored, I was bored by the end of your op.
Doesn't seem like you have children? He will get worse. Ditch him. Life is too short.

LindyHemming · 13/08/2017 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SleepFreeZone · 13/08/2017 09:56

This doesn't sound great OP. Is there any reason why you can't walk away? I assume you have a mortgage together? Was the wedding horrifically expensive? I'm trying to think of reasons why you don't just think 'hey, I got that wrong, we're not compatable, but it's not the end of the world'. People tend to stay together because of finances, kids, fear. You sound pretty together and a fabulous catch. He sounds really quite boring with a drink problem.

TheUpsideDown · 13/08/2017 09:56

"I have even found myself fantasising about discovering an affair he's having just to give me the excuse."

You're not on love with him at all any more are you?

I've been through this. I cared about him, and I didn't want to hurt him. But I didn't love him. There was no passion, no chemistry. Ending it before we got in too deep by having children together was the best decision I ever made

C0untDucku1a · 13/08/2017 09:58

Cut your losses op. Do not have a child with him. It gets worse the longer you're married.

Original poster

OverTheHammer · 13/08/2017 10:01

We have no ties other than the house which is owned 50/50.

I'd be much worse off financially but I'm not too bothered by that, I earn £22k a year so I'm the north east I won't be on the breadline so to speak.

He has no hobbies, never has done. He has work friends but very rarely goes out with them (twice a year maybe, where he gets absolutely slaughtered, comes in being sick and then spends the next day in bed).

He doesn't work really long hours, he works 7.30 to 4.30 four days a week and then 7.30 to 11.30 on a Friday. It's full time but not exactly gruelling hours is it? Plus he's well paid for it (£35k).

OP posts:

Cherrytart6 · 13/08/2017 10:01

I think it's fine to have different interests and different body clocks as long as people respect each other. The real problem is that he drinks too much and you've both lost any connection.

2014newme · 13/08/2017 10:03

Why did you marry him?

Original poster

OverTheHammer · 13/08/2017 10:06

HE was very different when we met but then I suppose, so was I. I had no confidence and was basically a desperate shell of a person. Now, 6 years later I'm 2 stone lighter, a good career, I'm fitter, have more energy and much more confidence. I want to be loved and respected and more importantly, believe I deserve to be.

OP posts:

fairgame84 · 13/08/2017 10:08

You don't sound happy. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life married to him and living like this?
Life's too short to be miserable.

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