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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have come to the conclusion that DH and I are very different people?

103 replies

OverTheHammer · 13/08/2017 09:26

I've realised the only thing we're good at together is holidaying.

The rest of the time is boring as hell. We rarely have sex despite only been married just over a year (I've posted about this before). He goes to bed late (midnight) and moans if I want to go earlier. I like to get up early and get the most out of the day. If he's not at work he won't get up until gone 11 and then every weekend is the same. He gets up at 11ish, puts the shitty radio (some obscure channel that plays shit that just gets on your nerves), starts frying bacon, plays on the computer ... it's a lovely day why can't we go out??! I got up at 7am and took the dog for a long walk in the fields - just got back and am going to head to gym. When I get home he'll either still be in bed or sat at the PC.

We could have a drive to the coast, a walk to the local pub for lunch - anything but no, he won't want to do any of that.

I've just joined a martial arts class, I suggested he join with me but no, it's not his thing. Fair enough but tennis wasn't his thing either, neither was swimming or jogging or anything else I suggest.

I've lost a lot of weight recently and am getting my confidence back. He kicked off the other day as I mentioned martial arts hopefully making me a stronger person. He said he didn't realise that's why I wanted to do it and that changes how he feels about me doing it. Why wouldn't you want your OH to be stronger??

He drinks a lot too. Downed beer after beer last night and then caused a random argument with me about the dog chewing the TV remote - that happened a week ago and apparently the dog doesn't destroy anything when he's around (bullshit, the dog is a fucking nightmare, as lovely as he is).

Last night was Saturday night. We were meant to be putting on a film to watch. I waited until 9pm and then went to see if he was ready. He tried to put a film on, said it wasn't working so put on athletics instead. He knows I don't like watching this but doesn't think to put on something we both like. I tell him I didn't want to sit watching that all night so he said he'd keep it on for 10 minutes and then put the news on. The news???!! It was Saturday night! We were meant to be watching a film with a glass of wine but no, he'd got sloshed on beer and now no longer have a shit about how I felt about anything.

I'm just fed up of him and this boring lifestyle composed of sitting around a computer, getting drunk on lager, moaning, complaining, no sex, no conversation - wish I'd never got married.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 13/08/2017 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dadshere · 13/08/2017 10:10

Sorry to say, but her doesn't sound like much of a catch. Write down your feelings and then try to speak to him about it. If there is no progress, consider a trial sepearation. If he just drinks and ignores you, you can do better.

happypoobum · 13/08/2017 10:12

Why do you think you need an excuse to separate?

Life is short. If you are unhappy then that is all the reason you need to split up. Your happiness is important hammer.

Your last post explains how you got into this situation - you had low self esteem. It sounds like your DH has problems with alcohol that only he can fix - if he wants to.

In your situation I would move on and find someone I could have a happy future with. No offence meant, but it doesn't sound much like he will even notice you are gone...........

GinIsIn · 13/08/2017 10:12

You don't NEED an excuse. Not being happy is enough of an excuse. Leave, and enjoy life!

Esspee · 13/08/2017 10:14

I think you know what you need to do. Find a temporary new home and start your new life. I expect he won't be gutted and it can be an amicable divorce.

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/08/2017 10:15

"We rarely have sex despite only been married just over a year".

How often do you have sex and which one of you is more likely to initiate sex? Do you both enjoy it?

"He goes to bed late ... I like to get up early"

Have you tried gently wakening him early and initiating sex? (after which you kick him out of bed to make the coffee )

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/08/2017 10:17

Also, have you told him your very different lifestyles is killing the marriage for you?

Asked him to talk about it?

Tried to offer a compromise?

acapellagirl · 13/08/2017 10:19

I was in this situation OP and left my partner. I was a shell of a person when we met then had more confidence

RandomDent · 13/08/2017 10:21

Is he still interested in music?

MrsOverTheRoad · 13/08/2017 10:22

Oh God OP leave!

Can you really do this for the next 60 years or so?

He sounds very set in his ways.

Blodplod · 13/08/2017 10:23

I think until you get the drinking under control nothing much is going to change despite heart to heart chatting, waking him up early and initiating sex etc. From the quantities you've described he's drinking it's likely that it's causing him to be anxious and depressed.. alcohol can make you feel very low, paranoid and the anxiety he's experiencing due to the constant and exhausting process of wondering when you can have your next drink.. I suspect his libido is low due to alcohol too.. I personally don't think any amount of 'chatting' will change much unless he admits he has an alcohol problem and is willing to work out doing something about it.

VladmirsPoutine · 13/08/2017 10:24

This is the second thread you've started I suspect looking for permission to divorce him. A marriage doesn't have to end in affairs or domestic violence for divorce to be permittable. Lose the bastard and live your live!

JaneEyre70 · 13/08/2017 10:24

I think you need to sit him down and be honest that you're disappointed with how stale and boring your lives have become. And that you want better. He sounds very stuck in a rut and the drinking won't be helping that. Failing that, arrange to do things for yourself over the weekend so you're not resentful of his apathy. And ask yourself if this is what being married is going to mean for the rest of your life, and is it what you want?

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2017 10:26

Have you talked to him about all this op? Lay your cards on the table and basically say you're getting more and more unhappy, do you talk about anything like politics or world views or subjects that interest you both?

Cherrytart6 · 13/08/2017 10:27

Leave him

Vq1970 · 13/08/2017 10:27

Please, please leave. Life is far too short to stay with someone who doesn't give a shit about you.

I don't know why people are saying he sounds depressed. He doesn't sound depressed, he sounds like someone who likes drink too much and doesn't see how it's affecting his lifestyle. The lying in bed is because he's hungover, not because he's depressed. He stays up late at night because he got up late in the morning.

Honestly OP, he really doesn't care about you so don't stay.

You don't say how old you are but I'm guessing still fairly young so get out of there and go and grab life by the balls without someone sucking all of the joy out of your life x

Papafran · 13/08/2017 10:30

Leave him. The end. Life is too short.

crazymissdaisy · 13/08/2017 10:30

You could say " these things are so important to me, in fact if we can't do things together and be considerate of each other now, I'm not sure we should still be together" in a very matter of fact way. Then he would realise how serious it was ( my ex said he had tuned out my concerns " just nagging"). If he then makes no effort to change you can act accordingly. Do you like him? Do you fancy him still? If you had walked to the pub for lunch would you have enjoyed his company?

Pringlemunchers · 13/08/2017 10:32

You know you don't need anyone elses permission to say this is not working for you, don't you?
If ( and that is a big if), if he would choose to change, maybe go to couples counselling , maybe compromises from both of you ( for sure , a hell of a lot of hard work)- would this be ideal solution for you?
Hand on heart?

Nanna50 · 13/08/2017 10:34

Sounds as though he was all you thought you deserved when you met him and since then you have both changed and you want something different.

You can't change him, you are not happy and will only resent him, if there is nothing in there worth hanging on for and he wont make an effort to change then move on.

Blodplod · 13/08/2017 10:35

But he is depressed because of the alcohol.. alcohol makes you feel 'depressed'. Maybe not in a clinical sense but certainly you're going to feel very low and depressed constantly with that amount of alcohol on a regular basis.. take away the alcohol and mood is quite different..

Whisky2014 · 13/08/2017 10:35

Yeh he sounds boring. You want a life and he wants to get drunk and play games. This won't work

Miserylovescompany2 · 13/08/2017 10:38

By the sound of things, OP, it was always you making an effort - even in the early days.

Your life has progressed, you are trying new things and as a person you've gained confidence.

He hasn't progressed. So the differences between you both are even more obvious.

In a nutshell - you've outgrown him!

Even if you were to lay all your cards on the table, chances are what ever changes are made will be short lived.

I agree with PP, life is too short...

Bardo · 13/08/2017 10:40

urgh, don't bother with the morning sex. He sounds a lazy slob. And worse, A Blamer. Like, it's your fault the dog chewed the remote control?

I agree with the posters who say that if this is draining the joy out of your life NOW< it would sap all of the oxygen out of you after you have a child.

People always say ''he sounds depressed'' on these threads which is a bit ridiculous. He just likes going to gigs, listening to music, drinking. He's not in to sport, at all, and he gets offended when you tell him that a martial art might make him stronger. Focus on that, it didn't hurt him (which might suggest depression), he was angry. Like, how dare you suggest there's anything wrong with staying up half the night drinking and then finally getting up at 11am for fried bacon. He is happy as he is. You bugging him to drink less and be healthy is 'his problem' if you see what I mean. Depressed! ha!

I'd call it a day oP.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/08/2017 10:43

It's obvious that you've worked hard on improving yourself, and it's paid off, well done ! However, your husband is possibly depressed, or a lazy git, only you know which, but you've grown in different directions, it happens, move on, you have a life to live.

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