To have come to the conclusion that DH and I are very different people?

[OverTheHammer]

I've realised the only thing we're good at together is holidaying.

The rest of the time is boring as hell. We rarely have sex despite only been married just over a year (I've posted about this before). He goes to bed late (midnight) and moans if I want to go earlier. I like to get up early and get the most out of the day. If he's not at work he won't get up until gone 11 and then every weekend is the same. He gets up at 11ish, puts the shitty radio (some obscure channel that plays shit that just gets on your nerves), starts frying bacon, plays on the computer ... it's a lovely day why can't we go out??! I got up at 7am and took the dog for a long walk in the fields - just got back and am going to head to gym. When I get home he'll either still be in bed or sat at the PC.

We could have a drive to the coast, a walk to the local pub for lunch - anything but no, he won't want to do any of that.

I've just joined a martial arts class, I suggested he join with me but no, it's not his thing. Fair enough but tennis wasn't his thing either, neither was swimming or jogging or anything else I suggest.

I've lost a lot of weight recently and am getting my confidence back. He kicked off the other day as I mentioned martial arts hopefully making me a stronger person. He said he didn't realise that's why I wanted to do it and that changes how he feels about me doing it. Why wouldn't you want your OH to be stronger??

He drinks a lot too. Downed beer after beer last night and then caused a random argument with me about the dog chewing the TV remote - that happened a week ago and apparently the dog doesn't destroy anything when he's around (bullshit, the dog is a fucking nightmare, as lovely as he is).

Last night was Saturday night. We were meant to be putting on a film to watch. I waited until 9pm and then went to see if he was ready. He tried to put a film on, said it wasn't working so put on athletics instead. He knows I don't like watching this but doesn't think to put on something we both like. I tell him I didn't want to sit watching that all night so he said he'd keep it on for 10 minutes and then put the news on. The news???!! It was Saturday night! We were meant to be watching a film with a glass of wine but no, he'd got sloshed on beer and now no longer have a shit about how I felt about anything.

I'm just fed up of him and this boring lifestyle composed of sitting around a computer, getting drunk on lager, moaning, complaining, no sex, no conversation - wish I'd never got married.

While I agree it sounds like he is not the man for you, and that you definitely DO deserve happiness, love, and respect, if someone constantly pushed me to do sport as a hobby I would also be annoyed - I'm just not sporty. I'm also a owl, I always have been and that's as much ingrained in him as your larkish qualities - neither of those two are better than the other. Though again, I agree with others, walk away.

If you're fantasising about him having an affair so you have a "plausible" reason to ditch this marriage, it's already over.

It's obvious to any onlooker that he's not interested in you or in spending quality time with you. His date is Ms Carlsberg and all you're there for is to pay half the mortgage, walk the dog and wash his pants.

Get out now, he's just a dead-weight holding you back.

You sound most definitely not compatible. Get out whilst you can. You are probably annoying him as much as he annoys you. I would hate to be pushed into doing hobbies reminds me when my mum tried to get me to every club going when I was a kid, very painful memories. For both your sakes, leave.

Gosh, the first year of marriage is supposed to be quite idyllic and a time when you're both deeply in love. I feel sad for you that you haven't even had this time.

Alcohol is the centre of his universe and is dictating his (and yours) life. He is probably an alcoholic from your description. It will continue to hugely impact on your life if you stay, as the struggle to overcome addiction is usually a very long road indeed. However, he firstly has to admit to himself that he even has a problem with alcohol, and it sounds unlikely that he will.

My advice would be to leave now and continue to build your life in the positive way that you doing now. Staying will make you more and more resentful. You don't need any excuses to leave him, you just say that it's not working for you for all the reasons you've told us.

I'm sure things will work out well for you as you sound a positive person who wants to live life to the full.

OverTheHammer.. There's no shame or sense of failure to admit that you have grow apart (even if it is in a short space of time).

I was with my first wife for 21 years when I decided I'd had enough, there was no cheating, violence or even rows, as we got older we just saw things differently.
We had spent our time together renovating houses and moving up the property ladder. I had had back problems for a number of years, yet did most of the work on the houses myself (and was in constant discomfort due to this). We had agreed that this was going to be the last renovation, we were going to live in it for a few years, then sell up and trade down a little and live mortgage free.
Soon after it was finished, she started to look around for the next project, I knew then nothing would change, I was only 42 but felt 72 and was fed up with being in pain with my back from all the heavy work on the house, so I walked.

Had a relationship for a year then met my current DP.

Despite her being left disabled in a hit and run shortly after moving in with me and getting cancer a few years ago, we have a great relationship with lots of laughs, my only regret is not to have met her years before.

So pack your bags and don't look back.

You need to split up. You are just not compatible and never will be. Chalk it up to experience and be more careful with your choices next time

It sounds as if you would BOTH be happier with someone who had a similar idea of what having a nice time means for you.

It sounds as if YOU would be happier alone than with him.

He might not be happier alone, but that's not your problem.

It sounds like you're very incompatible and that you don't love him any more.

Some of the things that annoy you aren't really his fault; they are just completely different preferences to yours. There's nothing fundamentally wrong with someone preferring to go to bed late and get up late, or with preferring to watch athletics to a film - those are his personal preferences. See also sports - not everyone enjoys that stuff. That's not a failing on his part but it is a major difference between you and if those differences are insurmountable and you can't find a compromise between you, that's a problem.

There are a couple of things that really raise alarm bells though. One is the drinking - 10 cans of lager in one night at home is definitely an issue if that's a regular thing, and it sounds like he has no interest in trying to stop. It is also probably affecting his libido, as too much booze on a regular basis often kills a man's sex drive.

The other thing that really worries me is this:

He kicked off the other day as I mentioned martial arts hopefully making me a stronger person. He said he didn't realise that's why I wanted to do it and that changes how he feels about me doing it.

That is very strange and insecure attitude on his part. I would be really worried if my DP said that to me.

I think you already know that you don't want to be with him any more, tbh. I can't honestly see what's keeping you together.

What polly said ^^^

It's not the fact that he likes watching athletics that is the problem, it's he fact that he chose a time when I'd been looking forward to watching a film to put it on. It gave out a clear "fuck you" message.

I've tried speaking to him loads of times about it, he just goes quiet or depending on the mood, defensive.

For example once he'd got up this morning he said "can't believe its Sunday lunch time, where did the weekend go??".

I said "well if we did more on a weekend it would feel more fulfilling... "

Him - silence.

Me - "for example, today it's lovely and sunny, we could have gone to the beach or just a drive out somewhere... "

Him - starts talking to the dog.

Me - "couldn't we?"

Him - "yep"

Me - "yeah so maybe that's what we should start doing?"

Him - talks to the dog.

It's fucking useless. A massive waste of time.

He doesn't want to do the things you want to do.

He doesn't care that you want to do them.

Oh and someone asked who instigates the once a week sex - 100% of the time, me. Now even I'm getting bored of it, who wants to have sex with someone who clearly sees it as a chore?

You can't go back in time and not have a baby with him, or not move in with him.

But you can choose what you're going to do from today forwards.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

You only need to give your own self permission to leave him. You do not need an excuse of an affair or some other such thing.

You cant control how someone else acts, only how you act/react.
If you want to try and make things work, maybe set aside sometime (away from the dog ), to discuss how you are both feeling, but if he is not forthcoming you can then only decide what you want to do with that.
If things have gone to far and you don't want to try anymore no shame in that either.
Doesn't mean either are wrong, but maybe just not right for each other.

He's got a massive alcohol problem. Of course he's not going to want to walk the dog in a forest or shag all morning if he's hungover from drinking 10 cans the night before.

You and him probably just don't recognise it as such because it's become normalised for him to be either pissed or hungover the whole weekend.

Leave him if he won't cut down on the beer. Or put up with it. Your choice.

But it's the drink that's the underlying problem here. Promise.

I know this is just a tiny part of what you are saying, but the athletics last night was incredibly exciting, dramatic, and made sporting history. It was on live, at that time - he's not gone and put it on to ignore you or upset you, It was the culmination of the World Championships, at which the British Teams had fantastically exciting results.

I have to say - the drinking aside - nothing about what he does / how he prefers to live seems odd to me. The " He does sound depressed " people are making a massive leap. He just sounds like a normal person who isn't keen on getting up early, but has to for work 5 days a week, who then enjoys a lie in on the weekend. Pretty normal behaviour from where I'm sitting.
However, you and he don't sound compatible and that is the point. I don't understand how you didn't find this out before you got married however. Most people get to know their spouse before committing to marriage.

Nah, fuck it, he's not bothered about your happiness after a year of marriage, he's never going to be bothered is he?

I'd leave.

Your marriage shouldn't be this much of a drudge so early on (or ever hopefully!). Sell up and go your separate ways. You're not suited and it's not going to get better.

He sounds depressed which is possibly leading to the drinking. I would split but it sounds like he should get help too.

Totally agree with your last line Saucyjack....

DH and I are very different - he's an early bird and I'm a night owl, he likes sport and going to the pub whereas I'm a homebody who likes reading and cinema. I think the big difference is that we make an effort to be considerate and find things in common - we spent the morning cleaning, he is now dozing on the sofa with the football on while I'm on Mumsnet but later we'll put a film on or watch repeats of Red Dwarf.

Life's too short to be miserable - either fix it if you can, otherwise leave.

You are probably annoying him as much as he annoys you. I would hate to be pushed into doing hobbies

I agree. Some of the things you are suggesting to do wouldn't have been my idea of fun neither would some of his.

&For example once he'd got up this morning he said "can't believe its Sunday lunch time, where did the weekend go??"^

That is a normal thing that many people say.

I said "well if we did more on a weekend it would feel more fulfilling

To me that comes across as snappy and PA.

We all see things differently

Sounds a bit like me and xdh, without the alcohol issues.

We were actually v similar people, but somehow we just dragged each other down. Persevered with it (both of us- I was a massive pain in the backside to live with) for a few years. At the end of year 3 I realised we were just wrong for each other. I called time on it. He was more old fashioned, wanted to stay married despite the fact that we were both unhappy even after counselling.

Fast forward 10 years and we are both happily with other partners and children. Leaving him was the most respectful thing I ever did for him, because he found his new DP and didn't waste more time on me. She is so much better for him and his life is much more interesting and fun now. And it was also the best thing I ever did for myself, because I have my DH, who is actually v different to me but somehow (despite times when we clash) it works.

Despite the title of your post, isn't really about differences, but about whether you are compatible. Your choices are to persevere and perhaps pursue counselling, or to leave. If you choose to try and work it out you will need to alter your negative thinking of the relationship, and he will need to be prepared to make some big changes. If you are not both committed to trying that, if you don't both want it to work, then the most respectful thing you can do for you both is to call it quits.

Good luck OP x

I posted on the wrong thread up there - sorry.
(this is what happens when I have too many tabs open)

It sounds as if you are still in the position where you CAN choose not to have a child with this man.
You CAN choose not to entangle your lives any more than you have.