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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have come to the conclusion that DH and I are very different people?

103 replies

OverTheHammer · 13/08/2017 09:26

I've realised the only thing we're good at together is holidaying.

The rest of the time is boring as hell. We rarely have sex despite only been married just over a year (I've posted about this before). He goes to bed late (midnight) and moans if I want to go earlier. I like to get up early and get the most out of the day. If he's not at work he won't get up until gone 11 and then every weekend is the same. He gets up at 11ish, puts the shitty radio (some obscure channel that plays shit that just gets on your nerves), starts frying bacon, plays on the computer ... it's a lovely day why can't we go out??! I got up at 7am and took the dog for a long walk in the fields - just got back and am going to head to gym. When I get home he'll either still be in bed or sat at the PC.

We could have a drive to the coast, a walk to the local pub for lunch - anything but no, he won't want to do any of that.

I've just joined a martial arts class, I suggested he join with me but no, it's not his thing. Fair enough but tennis wasn't his thing either, neither was swimming or jogging or anything else I suggest.

I've lost a lot of weight recently and am getting my confidence back. He kicked off the other day as I mentioned martial arts hopefully making me a stronger person. He said he didn't realise that's why I wanted to do it and that changes how he feels about me doing it. Why wouldn't you want your OH to be stronger??

He drinks a lot too. Downed beer after beer last night and then caused a random argument with me about the dog chewing the TV remote - that happened a week ago and apparently the dog doesn't destroy anything when he's around (bullshit, the dog is a fucking nightmare, as lovely as he is).

Last night was Saturday night. We were meant to be putting on a film to watch. I waited until 9pm and then went to see if he was ready. He tried to put a film on, said it wasn't working so put on athletics instead. He knows I don't like watching this but doesn't think to put on something we both like. I tell him I didn't want to sit watching that all night so he said he'd keep it on for 10 minutes and then put the news on. The news???!! It was Saturday night! We were meant to be watching a film with a glass of wine but no, he'd got sloshed on beer and now no longer have a shit about how I felt about anything.

I'm just fed up of him and this boring lifestyle composed of sitting around a computer, getting drunk on lager, moaning, complaining, no sex, no conversation - wish I'd never got married.

OP posts:
Peppapogstillonaloop · 13/08/2017 14:48

Each of your posts adds another reason to get the hell out of there! Doesn't sound like you have anything to lose?? Why stay? You are right you are worth more and will find it. Get out before you get tied in with kids..

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 13/08/2017 14:53

He sounds very passive and uncommunicative. A relationship can survive happily with different levels of interests if there is give and take on both sides, and this one simply sounds like a drain.

If he said that the athletics was important because of Mo Farah/ Ussain Bolt, so please could we save the film for tomorrow night, you'd probably feel less resentful as there is an acknowledgement of what is important to you both. He sounds instead like he just gets his own way by passive resistance.

The not liking the idea of you getting stronger or the level of drinking don't sound promising as he is reluctant to change. He's happy enough. You are not happy enough, so the only thing you can change is yourself and the actual relationship.

Brownsauceandsausages · 13/08/2017 14:57

Great post Magicnumbers

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 13/08/2017 14:57

I sometimes wonder if it's the age gap. I'm 36, he's 45.

I don't know, I just find it all so depressing. Beautiful day like today and I'm sat about the house bored. I've tried to busy myself - took the dog out, been to gym, done a bit of tidying - and yeah I could go for a coffee by myself but what's the point in being married if you have to do everything by yourself?

OP posts:
Birdsgottaf1y · 13/08/2017 14:58

""In our earlier days he would drink a lot and then cause arguments, get aggressive and turn into the worlds biggest arsehole. ""

Be honest, if you were then two stones lighter and had the confidence that you now have, as well as the interest in sporty stuff, would you have got passed the second argument?

I agree that his drinking is an issue, but he may well decide that once he is sober, you don't have a future together.

Stop putting him in control of your weekends, do your own thing.

Birdsgottaf1y · 13/08/2017 15:01

""I sometimes wonder if it's the age gap. I'm 36, he's 45. ""

It isn't the age gap, the gyms are full of 45+ year olds, daily, so are the campsites/mountains etc every weekend.

He may not want to change,in which case you have to decide what you want. Word of advice I give to everyone, don't waste your 30's.

Original poster
OverTheHammer · 13/08/2017 15:02

There are so many reasons we should have split years ago. He was on casual hook up sites for a start and trying to arrange to meet up with an 18 year old lass on a night he was babysitting my kids for me.

This happened twice. I forgave both times but only because of who I was back then. If that had happened with the newer version of me it would have been over as soon as I found the first one out.

Then with all the arguments, his past aggressive episodes ... I just wish the newer version of me materialised before we got married

OP posts:
squoosh · 13/08/2017 15:05

He was on casual hook up sites for a start and trying to arrange to meet up with an 18 year old lass on a night he was babysitting my kids for me.

This happened twice.

It's pretty clear you shouldn't have married him in the first place.

Goingtobeawesome · 13/08/2017 15:09

There's your answer.

Grab your life back.

DisorderedAllsorts · 13/08/2017 15:12

Run for the hills and don't look back

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 13/08/2017 15:19

I feel frustrated and suffocated just reading that OP. Leave him. He clearly doesn't give a damn about you or how you feel. It's all about him. You sound vibrant and fun. Somewhere out there is a man who'd love to go on long dog walks and sit in a nice pub with you. Someone who'd love to snuggle up and watch a movie. Your H isn't that man. LTB.

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2017 15:25

Come on, OP, show some gumption here!

There isn't one reason why you should stay with this man. You're mid-thirties - you're at a fantastic time in your life. Why on earth spend even one more month with a man like this?

roundaboutthetown · 13/08/2017 15:29

You should separate - you are no longer the person he married and you don't even like the person you were when you married. If he liked you the way you were, then you can't force him to like the new you, or change to be more like the new you. You've moved on already and he's not willing to move on with you.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2017 16:38

OP, you made a huge mistake in marrying this man, but the good news is you can correct it. FFS, you don't even have kids. Get divorced and move on to MUCH better things.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/08/2017 16:43

You don't need a good reason like an affair to split up, you are allowed to decide this isn't the person you want to spend your life with and end it.

If you don't, at some point you are going to be one of those people who end up having an affair themselves - not because they want to be with the other person, but as a way of destroying a crap marriage that should have been ended with dignity years before.

Walk away now while it'll be relatively straight forward and you can both end it with some pride.

Rossigigi · 13/08/2017 17:01

Do you have children?

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 13/08/2017 17:31

OK OP, why wouldn't you leave him? What's keeping you there?

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 13/08/2017 17:55

You have kids. That settles it - his lifestyle aspirations, or lack of them will bring down the quality of life for your kids,

jelliebelly · 13/08/2017 17:56

Time to cut your losses and move on - he's an arse

Turkeyneck · 13/08/2017 17:59

Oh gawd, please leave him! And definitely do not have kids with him. Sorry op, hugs

ADishBestEatenCold · 13/08/2017 18:12

With the things you have added in your past three or four posts, it sounds as if the marriage is dead for you anyway, OverTheHammer, (and that it's impossibly hard to tell whether he is bothered either way).

End it. Pick your day, (tonight if you like Smile ), and tell him it's over. Who knows, that may well come as a relief to both of you, and (once you have told him) you can really start to plan your new life.

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 13/08/2017 18:16

You have changed, you have lost weight which has increased your self esteem and confidence, he knows this and he's worried that you might try hooking up with someone now, but he wont tell you he is insecure, so hr will drink and ignore you and deny you sex instead, what a catch..
.Hmm please get you and your kids out of this, you're young enough to find happiness, for me that would be alone without him for a start, good luck OPFlowers

ZooLanePetCorner · 13/08/2017 18:21

Yes, run, don't walk! Life really is too short to put up with some dickhead who cruises 18 year olds. Your gut is telling you your heart isn't in it. What more do you need?

splatattack · 13/08/2017 18:34

Let him know how serious you are about leaving him. You owe him that as he is your husband. See how he reacts and then do what you need to do? You are a new person and a new start could be so exciting!!

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2017 19:10

Fuckin hell op you really had to ask!?

Get out of there!