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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help!! DD forced to share a room with SB

111 replies

ohh · 12/08/2017 21:23

I need help before i drive round to my e and lump him one. Not an easy task as he is an hour away but no the less.Angry

At the best of times DD does not want to go and is having counselling provided by school how to deal with controlling father.

DD says she goes now because she wants to see young SB. He is 2 1/2.

Anyway..due to go to Minehead Butlins for a week with ex and his family and she has told me that she will be sharing a room with him!

DD is 14 years old. At best of times she has to look after him as a free nanny when at her dads. Her SD; my husband; wants her not to go and is very cross at the news. He has an excellent relationship with DD as has looked after her since day 1.

I know there is no law in the UK about sharing rooms but surely you cant ask a 14 year old girl to share with a nearly 3 year old boy? HmmThat will keep her awake and wake her early too.

Thanks

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 12/08/2017 22:34

I was going to post it seems more of a deeper issue than rooms. But I see you've said that and recognise that.

The issue is she doesn't want to go. Sounds like she's more concerned the shared room will mean she's babysitting him overnight if she's left with him daytime too.

If she doesn't want to go I'd respect that - she's 14.

Letstryagainshallwe · 12/08/2017 22:35

Very odd my nephew is 13 and wouldn't bat an eye lid at sharing with my 3 yo.

GreenGoblin0 · 12/08/2017 22:38

you want to go round and "lump" your ex over this?! Get a grip.

littlebird7 · 12/08/2017 22:44

Something about her developing love for her SB is making you uncomfortable. Everyone else seems to be completely relaxed about it.

Your dd is 14, for goodness sake, not 4, and I am sure you would know loud and clear if she was unhappy about sharing a room with him. If she is happy, you should be happy.

Whether you like it or not, that little tot is her flesh and blood, her brother and she clearly loves him, this should be celebrated. It will be a great addition to her life...and whether her father is controlling or not - that is not the issue really. Let her enjoy her baby brother and have a nice holiday - even with gritted teeth. She is a willing unpaid nanny because she loves him - be glad she is safe and enjoying her time there.

Spend some extra time with her to reinforce your own relationship. You are her mama and nothing can ever replace that.

C0untDucku1a · 12/08/2017 22:49

There is nothing wrong with her sharing a room with her step brother on holiday. an extra room wouldbe another £250 at least.

She shouldnt have to look after the sb though.

How do you think you ex will control her on holiday?

wonkylegs · 12/08/2017 22:51

It wouldn't occur to me for them not to share , I'm one of 4 (2 boys, 2 girls) we always shared on holiday.

We often go on holiday with cousins and the kids (boys and girls of all ages 1-14) fight to share with each other and often swap rooms.

The real issue seems to be her not wanting to go. If it were me I would be talking to her to try to find reasonable ways of making it work for her so she can spend time with her SB but not feel responsible for him.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 12/08/2017 22:52

Is the brother her step brother or her half brother? If it's her half brither then she will have to get used to sharig things with him. And yes, families do often have to share rooms on holidays.

If she doesn't want to go for other reasons then fair enough but having to share with a 3 year old isn't a good enough reason not to go.

MargaretTwatyer · 12/08/2017 22:53

So despite you repeatedly telling her she doesn't have to go and her SD saying she shouldn't go she is still going.

That makes me think she actually wants to go and you are the one who doesn't and is trying to get her not to in order to score points against her Dad.

You really shouldn't be doing this. The poor girl must feel terribly torn and in a horrible situation where she feels she is being forced to choose between her parents and no matter what she does she will upset someone.

Poor girl, she will end up massively fucked up and resenting you if you carry on like this.

AtSea1979 · 12/08/2017 22:56

YABU
I thought this was going to be two teenage step siblings sharing which would be inappropriate but a 3 yo and you want to hit your ex? Let her go and spend the time relaxing and thinking on how you can improve your jealousy.

bbpp · 12/08/2017 22:57

Errr, he's 3?
Millions of children share rooms, and as ages go that's quite alright. Not so young they'll cry though the night, not so old that issues of privacy are an issue,

The controlling father sounds like an issue but I feel like this is an 'excuse' for lack of a better phrase. There's nothing wrong with a 3 and 14 year old sharing a room on holiday.

Haffdonga · 12/08/2017 23:08

Don't you think the title of your post is unreasonable?

Starting with Help!! (reader assumes it's an emergency) , saying she's being forced to share a room (we assume it's against her will and a long term situation), with her SB (we assume he's much older than 2 because otherwise there's be no problem). How to be alarmist and create a drama out of a total non issue? Way to go OP.

So your ex is taking his dcs on holiday and you are finding any way you can to make your poor dd decide she shouldn't enjoy it or preferably shouldn't go at all? You want to lamp him and your dp wants to stop dd going altogether? I wonder who is the controlling one here.

DarthMaiden · 12/08/2017 23:15

Just got back off a 2 week holiday where DSD and DS shared a room for most of it.

They are 17 and 14.

Off course they had separate beds and used the bathroom to get changed etc for privacy.

What do you expect? Having 3 hotel rooms for every holiday?

If you said they had to share a bed then I'd agree, but sharing a room isn't a big deal surely?

mygorgeousmilo · 12/08/2017 23:17

YABVU and projecting your own issues onto her.

isadoradancing123 · 12/08/2017 23:17

Can't see any problem at all with it

CosmicPineapple · 12/08/2017 23:19

Her SD; my husband; wants her not to go and is very cross at the news Hmm

So you don't want her to go her stepdad is very cross and does not want her to go and despite you saying she does not have to she still wants to........I think its you and SD who have the problem tbh.

I doubt you realise that you two a probably playing a huge part in her depression leading up to the holiday.

Plaster on a smile tell her to have a great time and please try and keep any anger and feelings you two have about her father from her.
If he is a twat then she will already know it or learn. At 14 she can decide on contact time herself. Give her the option but dont constantly ask her as then she will feel its what YOU want her to do.

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2017 23:20

Shes in counselling so she can deal with her father and has admitted she doesnt like spending time with him. Is it really worth her carrying on a relationship with him?

My mum encouraged me to carry in seeing ny dad using the old 'but hes your father' line.. ended up breaking down when i was early 20s and was in counselling through college getting over years of controlling behaviour from him.

DarthMaiden · 12/08/2017 23:23

^
What @CosmicPineapple said tbh.

I think there is a huge amount of projection going on here and I do wonder about the accusations of who is actually "controlling".

Cherrytart6 · 12/08/2017 23:27

If she's happy with sleeping in the same room on holiday and babysitting, it's fine. If she's not ok with it, then it's not ok. How you feel about it doesn't matter. She's the sibling.

Ceebs85 · 12/08/2017 23:31

If its because she'll be expected to take care of him then I get your annoyance. If it's just because she has to share a room then I don't see the issue.

christinarossetti · 12/08/2017 23:32

In this situation, I think that the toddler should share with his parents tbh. He's likely to be awake early, possibly in the night, and it's them that should be taking care of him not your dd.

scrabbler3 · 12/08/2017 23:34

It's fine.

Not so fine, would be if dad and stepmum went out every night until the early hours, leaving her to babysit. That wouldn't be much of a holiday for her and she'd end up feeling like the hired help.

LaurieMarlow · 12/08/2017 23:43

You sound like a complete drama queen OP. I dread to think how you'd react to anything genuinely problematic.

It's fine, relax, wish her a great holiday.

userlotsanumbers · 12/08/2017 23:52

YABU

you're creating a lot of negativity here, probably adding to her feelings of doom.

lay off your opinions, and give her space to make her own. you're leading her.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 12/08/2017 23:58

So despite you repeatedly telling her she doesn't have to go and her SD saying she shouldn't go she is still going.

That makes me think she actually wants to go and you are the one who doesn't and is trying to get her not to in order to score points against her Dad.

I agree.

You and your DH are acting way OTT.

Dumdedumdum · 13/08/2017 00:19

Tell her you hope she has a great time, and that she can call you if she's unhappy.
Then back off.

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