Aibu? To think the chances have run out?

[gemplusthree]

First time poster but need some sense of reason.
I'm a mum to 4, plus my partners 3 children. His youngest has been incredibly hard work over the 4 years we have all lived together.
-He has stolen £50 from me when I sold a car and the buyer had to post the rest of the money. I wasn't here in the morning. I contacted buyer to ask if he had put money through the correct letter box.
-He intentionally set fire to the furniture, shut dog in the lounge with sofa on fire and went back to bed and pretended to be asleep. Dog was fine as fire alarm went off.
-Stolen upwards of £100 from two of my children. Birthday and Christmas money. They are no longer given cash and I don't give cash pocket money to avoid issues.
-Tried to strangle my son twice
-Tried to suffocate the same son twice
-Stolen multiple sweets and chocolate from my children. So much so my eldest has a padlock on his bedroom door for when he isn't here.
-Stolen from his grandparents
-Stolen from his dad. But only 30-50p. Not bigger sums like from myself or my children.
-Stole an easter egg whilst at his mums from Asda. She let him eat it.
-Tried to steal chewing gum from tesco. I started checking pockets before we left any shops to make sure nothing was taken without it being paid for.
This child is almost 11. My partner did not take it on board when I said things need to change or I will have to live somewhere else because it's not fair on all the children. He felt the relationship would be over. I felt we'd be back to dating.
I've spoken and had a pcso come out over a year ago, and he did improve but we're back to him being proud because he hasn't stolen for 2 weeks. AIBU to think he has used up all his chances and he needs to be taken to the police station on the next occasion he steals? Am I being firmer as I don't have the maternal bond with him. Would my partner put up with it if one of my 4 children were doing things to his youngest all the time?

It sounds like your relationship is over OP. Your DP is allowing your children to be targeted over and over again, that would be enough for me to walk out. My kids home is their safe place. Whatever else happens outside, at school, home is safe. Always.

I would, or next time money pull everyone downstairs and say that if the person who has it doesnt own up and return it you're calling the police and nothing else better disappear from now on

Wait, this boy is only 11 and he has committed arson to try and kill a dog, and tried to suffocate and strangle a sibling?

This is a seriously disturbed child. Seriously. What the hell has happened to him to affect him this badly?

This child clearly has issues & needs help, giving endless chances is doing him no favours.
I'd also agree the relationship is over for you & your partner.

As Dolly says, this is far, far more than a naughty/mischievous/playing-up child. What has been done about it? GP? Social services? CAMHS? He needs help!! I think it is not unusual to pinch something as a small child (I tried to pinch 30p from my mum's purse as a child - never again!!) but this goes way beyond. Arson, GBH......the mind boggles!

I think you are not U to move out though - your kids are basically living under siege from this kid.

ditch the relationship, your DP is being a dipshit
your kids dont deserve to have to live with a thief and a violent one at that

He has had an awful childhood.up to 6.5yes when I moved in. His mum walked out when he was two, his mum and dad both had other relationships that ended. Two years ago his mum moved away and now only sees him for 24H in 3 months.
He is diagnosed with adhd and aspergers, but they don't account for his behaviour.
I guess I've put up with so much because he has been abandoned a lot in his life and I want to help him, but my goodness it's hard.
We know he is jealous that my kids see their dad but it's his mum that doesn't want him. He believes were stopping her.
But that shouldn't mean he has no boundaries.
My two youngest dad went travelling for a year, they had no contact but never resorted to the kind of behaviour he has.

This behaviour isn't a slap on the wrist behaviour this is seriously disturbed behaviour- strangling, fire and trying to kill a dog.

If he carries on like this what will he do as an adult?

Bloody hell, I thought my 12 year old had problems.

None of this is ok. On any level.

Sorry but you have decisions to make to protect your flesh and blood.

Yeah this child needs consistency if your not able to provide that for him then it's better to walk away now. If you are then he needs specialist psychiatric support. Arson is bad on its own. Harming a dog is bad on us own. Targeting and harming another child is bad on its own. The stealing is relatively minor in comparison to the other behaviour to be honest. Still serious but minor relatively. I would be calling social services for support if I was you

And you can't compare his behaviour to your other children - everyone reacts differently under the same pressures

He sounds like a deeply disturbed amf unhappy boy

I think ultimately you have to put your own kids first. I feel for the lad as obviously he has deep rooted issues, but you can't put your children at risk. I don't get why you seem so focused on the stealing, that can be dealt with. He set your house on fire!!!!!! I don't know how you can sleep at night i would be worried sick about him doing that again!

This child needs serious help before he gets bigger and stronger. You may be able to deal with some behaviours now but what about when he's 16 and the size of a full grown man.

I wouldn't put up with one of those things. Let alone all of them. Leave your awful DPand the nasty little bastard is out of your lives for good. Put your DC,yours and dogs safety first.

We went for a hospital appointment in July where his dad and I were told there is no child psychologist in the UK. Cahms would not be interested and we were asked to leave as we questioned the doctor.
Social services haven't offered any help the three times they have been involved.
Stuck at where to get help

This boy isn't even your own child?

FUck that, get the FUCK OUT OF THERE and leave his dad to deal with him.

Not your problem

Not your resposbility

All very sad but seriously your only real loyalty is to your own children here.

Actually. Wait. He's been diagnosed with both ADHD and Aspergers. Plus been abandoned, not once but three times (dads ex, mums ex and now his mum). Poor poor child. Any outside help?

Before we are calling him a nasty little bastard @fluffypinkpyjamas let's remember he is in fact a child. And some serious shit must have happened to him to be broken in that way.

And a father going pm am extended holiday is in no way similar to this child:s mum leaving him

Would your Dp be supportive in approaching social services and saying that you can no longer cope having him living at home.

Nevermind calling the Police the next time he steals, why were the Police not called after the arson, assault and attempted murder?!

He needs help. Is there any input from Cahms? Does he have a Social Worker?

Can you get some CAHMS involvement for him? Aspergers and ADHD may be contributing factors in the sense of a lack of impulse control and difficulty explaining his feelings. I'm not at all justifying his behaviour, it's not fair on your kids at all. I just think that with dx in place, the coping strategies and plans need to be adjusted iyswim?

I mean it sounds like you want this to work, would you consider adopting him so he felt you were his family? Could you pay privately for support?

I think his chances were over when he tried to burn a dog to death and strangle your child. If your partner isn't willing to take this seriously then he has to go.

You can't prioritise his child to the detriment of your own.