Aibu? To think the chances have run out?

[gemplusthree]

First time poster but need some sense of reason.
I'm a mum to 4, plus my partners 3 children. His youngest has been incredibly hard work over the 4 years we have all lived together.
-He has stolen £50 from me when I sold a car and the buyer had to post the rest of the money. I wasn't here in the morning. I contacted buyer to ask if he had put money through the correct letter box.
-He intentionally set fire to the furniture, shut dog in the lounge with sofa on fire and went back to bed and pretended to be asleep. Dog was fine as fire alarm went off.
-Stolen upwards of £100 from two of my children. Birthday and Christmas money. They are no longer given cash and I don't give cash pocket money to avoid issues.
-Tried to strangle my son twice
-Tried to suffocate the same son twice
-Stolen multiple sweets and chocolate from my children. So much so my eldest has a padlock on his bedroom door for when he isn't here.
-Stolen from his grandparents
-Stolen from his dad. But only 30-50p. Not bigger sums like from myself or my children.
-Stole an easter egg whilst at his mums from Asda. She let him eat it.
-Tried to steal chewing gum from tesco. I started checking pockets before we left any shops to make sure nothing was taken without it being paid for.
This child is almost 11. My partner did not take it on board when I said things need to change or I will have to live somewhere else because it's not fair on all the children. He felt the relationship would be over. I felt we'd be back to dating.
I've spoken and had a pcso come out over a year ago, and he did improve but we're back to him being proud because he hasn't stolen for 2 weeks. AIBU to think he has used up all his chances and he needs to be taken to the police station on the next occasion he steals? Am I being firmer as I don't have the maternal bond with him. Would my partner put up with it if one of my 4 children were doing things to his youngest all the time?

Forget 'poor poor child' think of your own poor children!
This boy is abusive. Don't let him do any more harm to your DC, they won't thank or forgive you when they're older.

We would pay privately for support if we knew where to go.
I've stayed and put up with so much because I don't believe him being abandoned again will help. I'm not sure about adopting him, at the moment I'm not ready to do it. As much as I want to help him I still need to know I have a choice to walk away if things don't improve.
The arson/ assaults his dad wanted to deal with and they were before he was 10 so they are in the past. The stealing is very much present day which is why I've put so much relevance on it.
Should have added living room is now alarmed so he can't go I'm there at night and he shares a room with his 15 yr old brother not my 8 and 10yr old now. So we have tried to remove the children to protect them all

He sounds a danger to himself and others. But you mention such trivial things as stealing an Easter egg. I agree the child has serious problems and arson and attempted murder are beyond anything that is usual childhood problems. Professional help must be sought without delay.

OP you risk your actual children cutting you off later in life because you subjected them to horrific abuse.

Can you look your adult child in the eyes as they blame you for their suffering and failure to protect them?

He could've killed not only the dog but one of your children when he set that fire.
How would you have felt towards him had he murdered one of your children?

Is their father aware that they're living in an abusive house hold? Would he challenge you for residency if he knew what his children were being subjected to?

He has severe issues and that's heart breaking for him.
Not your children's burden to bare though. You need to get them out.

We went for a hospital appointment in July where his dad and I were told there is no child psychologist in the UK

FFS who on earth told you that?? A quick google and just one website - childpsychotherapy.co.uk - lists 932!! OK the NHS must be at full stretch but its just nonsense to say there aren't any. His dad shouldn't be fobbed off so easily when his kid is obviously having serious difficulties.

See I could tell from your OP that you actually want to work something out. I would honestly suggest you look at some residential support for him. To give your house a break and also to give him some intensive support. What area are you in? You can dm me if you like and I can check if I know anywhere.

The stealing is important and actually if he exhibits such poor impulse control then he should be proud if he's gone a fortnight. And I know may sounds bizarre because 99.99999% of of people manage to not steal ever. But for him that is an achievement and it deserves to be marked and in a way celebrated. I'm not saying throw him a party but sit him down you and his dad and tell him how proud you are that he's gone a fortnight and how is he feeling about it. Was there any points when he wanted to steal but didn't and just open up the conversation

I guess part of me is hoping his father is going to do something constructive, but I know it won't happen. Atm trying to get finances in place to move forward if the time comes

What does his father do about any of it?

I think after him being in your care for 6 1/2 years then you should feel some confidence to step forward and make the tough decisions when it comes to his support.

Maybe post on the special needs board giving details of the area you live in so someone can point you in the direction of local help. Hopefully then you will know what help is available in order to ask for it.

Who on earth were you meeting with when you were told "no" to an Ed Psych or CAHMS?

There are several - more useful - lines to take prior to taking him to the local police station. Number one will be to get more supporting help. I'm genuinely shocked that you aren't getting more help given that a. He already has two diagnoses and b. the extremity of his previous actions (arson and violence against other children and animals).

Having said that, I'm a bit surprised at your partner's (the child's biological father's) parenting and partnering approach and wouldn't judge you at all for calling time on all of this. 61/2 years and it's you that is pushing for help and having to take unilateral action to protect the other children?

I totally agree with the poster who's recommended re-posting in SN. SN/MH provision is not good enough but it's available for children in as severe need as this child.

We're in Northampton, we have St Andrews health care near our general hospital, but still locum consultant was arrogant and rude. I will keep trawling Internet to find out how to get help and see if social services can help with residential support, but I know as it stands I'm in no position to do anything as I have no parental responsibility.

You are a good and lovely person for recognising that walking out on this child now could send him into an even worse spiral. What he has done is terrible, but as you say his behaviour, although still bad, is a bit better now. I surmise that you have had a strong role in that. You don't need to go privately to get help. Unfortunately you need to go back to the beginning and approach GP, school, CAHMS etc and keep at it. Of course there are child psychologists in the U.K. - don't be fobbed off just circumnavigate the idiots not taking you seriously. It must be so hard for you and your family but stay strong, you are a very positive force in this poor child's life.

childpsychologist-northants.co.uk/?page_id=5

I think you need to complain to your local Heath service as one google found a child psychologist.

And you actually are in a position to insist he gets help for the sake of the children you do have parental responsibility for

here's a support group in your area.
You are in a really difficult situation but your own children really have to come first.

Millions of children have divorced parents, or absent parents and never act anything close to that. I know you've tried to get help, but there's so much more to his story than what you know, evidentially. Whether that be severe trauma or a condition. If it was me, I'd make it my mission to try and get him help, make his life a little easier and try to stop his little life turning into one that destroys others and has him locked up for decades on end. If you've had enough I do not blame you. You have to protect your other children, your pets and your belongings. Say goodbye, send out another report and walk away.

Thank you for the links I've had a look at them and book marked them and I will be making some phone calls Monday morning.
As much as I've reached the end of my teather, I know without help this young man will be lost to the justice system. I've told his dad he needs help and whilst he agrees, he hasn't actively sought help. So it's down to me to get the help.
I don't want to loose my own children because they feel I've put his first but, abandoning him again could make matters worse. As I say things have dramatically improved but this child needs to be helped. I don't feel I should or could not follow through on the consistency I've given him so far. I'm honest and have open conversations with my own children and I ask them how they feel at home all the time. They have all at one time said they don't want to be here, but as it stands they are happy here.
My partner knows one more violent attack on my children or the dog and I will be calling the police as my children need protecting.
I also accept that it will be the breakdown of the relationship. I wish he could put himself in my position and think long and hard as to whether he would have stuck around. Love for a partner only goes so far when your children are being hurt.

That poor child.

Go via your primary care trust, through PALS and make a complaint that you cannot access the CAMH support you need.

He is a seriously disturbed child
Posters saying he is abusive and nasty have no idea what happens to children with a traumatic early life
Early experiences have the most impact because they alter how the brain develops
My child would do all of those things
I think he probably has attachment disorder as well as ASD.
He needs specialist therapy. Most CAMHS are useless with AD
It's a long slow process but first he needs a good assessment from a specialist agency

Yes the child is disturbed and probably traumatised @magdalenlaundrey BUT his behaviour is ABUSIVE to the people around him.

Regardless of why he is abusive HE STILL IS. OP must protect her children before THEY end up disturbed by their step sibling.

"I've spoken and had a pcso come out over a year ago, and he did improve but we're back to him being proud because he hasn't stolen for 2 weeks."

Have to zero in on this, OP. Can you elaborate? Because it sounds a bit like you want him to try, but don't want him to feel encouraged when he is making progress.

Or have I misunderstood?

It sounds as though you and your partner need to get some help with parenting this child, because effectively you are his parents. Things are improving, but you need to be on the same page to keep them improving.

He has MH issues. You can't compare him to your kids in any way shape or form - I think that's the problem here. Is he going to a SN school? Is he getting support at school? Is there a local centre for ASD people he can go to? Is he competing for your or his dad's attention with the other kids? All well and good saying his mum left him, but have you ever tried to plug in some of the gap? Ie do you treat him with similar love as you treat your own kids?

Your DSS has mental health problems and hasn't had the best start in life, it's a very sad situation and he certainly does need professional help as does your DP.
However your responsibility is to your DC ( and dog) you need to protect them, that means leaving and separating from your partner or as you said going back to dating.

It got to a point with the stealing it was every week. Could be loose change, sweets my children had brought, taking from shops (if allowed). I called the pcso to come out and speak to him and warn him that it was wrong. We perhaps had 6 months with nothing going missing. But gradually over the last two or so years he is back stealing and taking the other children's sweets or chocolate. I know sweets and chocolate are not big things but it's the downward spiral to money and shoplifting.
We went on holiday 3 weeks ago and just before we went he had eaten my sons easter chocolate that he had been eating in moderation.
The child thinks he has done really well because he hasn't eaten anymore of my sons chocolate. Well how could he? He had already finished it all for him.
We want him to be proud and we want to be proud of him for not stealing and he will be rewarded for doing the right thing, but it does kind of feel off praising him for doing something that most people do without thinking. We (should say I) will say to him at the end of the summer holidays that I'm really pleased he hasn't stolen, but I guess I need a bigger window than a week or two.
We have spoken with school and they don't have too many problems so they have said they can not help as educational psychologist is the wrong avenue.
I wonder if I could speak to my gp about how it's affecting my wellbeing and if they could help. I'm at a different surgery to my partner and his child. I'm worried I couldn't see his gp without his dad as I don't have any parental responsibility