Aibu? To think the chances have run out?

[gemplusthree]

First time poster but need some sense of reason.
I'm a mum to 4, plus my partners 3 children. His youngest has been incredibly hard work over the 4 years we have all lived together.
-He has stolen £50 from me when I sold a car and the buyer had to post the rest of the money. I wasn't here in the morning. I contacted buyer to ask if he had put money through the correct letter box.
-He intentionally set fire to the furniture, shut dog in the lounge with sofa on fire and went back to bed and pretended to be asleep. Dog was fine as fire alarm went off.
-Stolen upwards of £100 from two of my children. Birthday and Christmas money. They are no longer given cash and I don't give cash pocket money to avoid issues.
-Tried to strangle my son twice
-Tried to suffocate the same son twice
-Stolen multiple sweets and chocolate from my children. So much so my eldest has a padlock on his bedroom door for when he isn't here.
-Stolen from his grandparents
-Stolen from his dad. But only 30-50p. Not bigger sums like from myself or my children.
-Stole an easter egg whilst at his mums from Asda. She let him eat it.
-Tried to steal chewing gum from tesco. I started checking pockets before we left any shops to make sure nothing was taken without it being paid for.
This child is almost 11. My partner did not take it on board when I said things need to change or I will have to live somewhere else because it's not fair on all the children. He felt the relationship would be over. I felt we'd be back to dating.
I've spoken and had a pcso come out over a year ago, and he did improve but we're back to him being proud because he hasn't stolen for 2 weeks. AIBU to think he has used up all his chances and he needs to be taken to the police station on the next occasion he steals? Am I being firmer as I don't have the maternal bond with him. Would my partner put up with it if one of my 4 children were doing things to his youngest all the time?

Good luck - and stay strong.

OK. I don't want to say anything out of line here. I don't know you at all. What I say may be completely off the mark. Feel absolutely free to ignore.

However ... I notice - in what you write - that you seem to do a lot of putting other people first. I wonder if you need to work on putting yourself first a bit. Or at least taking some time to work out what putting your needs and wants first/taking them into consideration might look like. Even if it only starts with 10 minutes a day. With so many other people to look after, I'm guessing there is literally not enough time in the day to sit and think about things, let alone yourself.

Taking a break sounds like a good idea.

youngminds.org.uk/

Call the Parents Helpline

Call us for free Mon-Fri from 9:30am to 4pm – available in England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

0808 802 5544

Calls may be recorded for monitoring or training purposes.

Well done op, you need to put yourself 1st so you can then concentrate on the children. Hopefully your dh will step up and support his children while you are away.

Is he able to ring the therapist as a step in the right direction rather than it being on you?

DH needs to step up here, can he ring the psychologist ?

I apologise if this has been suggested before. However, in your household, you have a child with additional needs whose behaviour is putting your other children at risk of serious harm (arson and so on) and who is also behaving in a way that puts himself in moral danger. Social services should be involved at a Child in Need level or even a Child Protection level.

Whoever told you there are no child psychologists in the whole of the UK is lying. Both my sons saw psychologists (attached to CAMHS) on a regular basis.

Has anyone spoken with the boy's school? If you can get the school on board with respect to raising concerns, then maybe children's social care will take this further and educational psychologist might also be available.

I am sorry if this response is a little disjointed, but the young boy needs help. If he gets the help now, there is chance things can change. Furthermore, he is probably pubescent and transitioning form primary to secondary school and he will almost certainly need additional help.

In retrospect, I wish I had fought for my eldest to go to a special school when he reached 11. Post-11, he was really difficult to deal with.

There's 2 separate issues here.

The first is that this boy obviously has very limited impulse control which will be his ADHD. You know this and are not getting any support which in turn will not help to improve things for any of you.
Does he take any medication for this?

Second one is that your children are at risk. Whether they are step/half or full siblings really is irrelevant. You need the support from outside services to get support.
You just get trapped in a vicious negative cycle otherwise.

My advice is that if you can't get social services or Camhs or whoever to listen you need to get friends and family to make a referral to children's services. They can all report that they are concerned your children are at risk etc. Also call the police if he's violent etc. They will also make a referral to SS.

I think you're totally right that this a very confused young lad who has had a life of abondoment very early on mixed with a lack of impulse control and social understanding due to his disability.

Can you rent a small place nearby that DP and DSS move into? Then slowly bring him into the family for short periods building up the trust between you all and giving short periods of positive interaction?

God I really feel for you op, I wanted to reiterate what was said above:

your DP's daughter tried to commit suicide. His son is acting up. These do not sound like happy children, and your DP is choosing to spend time on a hobby rather than working on his parenting skills or spending time with his children. They've been effectively abandoned by their mother so their father is their sole parent. And now he's effectively delegated parenting responsibility to you. It sounds like you are trying your best but jeez you're having to parent 7 kids!!!

We're gonna have to face it, your DP is being a shit father. I understand he's probably been through the ringer with his ex and his daughter, but he's given up. He's not showing interest in helping his son at all and is leaving it all to you. I'm not sure your relationship is saveable.

The fact that there aren't problems at school speaks volumes. Kids have consistency and structure at school. The problem is at home. I hate to be defeatist but you can't fix this alone. His biological parents are the problem. You might stand a chance if you had an active, interested partner here but it doesn't look like you do.

I think you would be better moving out too
It would protect your own kids and be easier on your dss
Children with AD won't live easily with other children
Please be careful what help you get him. Have a look what is available for adopted or LAC.
Many traditional CAMHS services will make things worse

The kids have been neglected haven't they

No child psychologist in the UK? Bollocks to that. I'm fairly certain there's child psychologists within every CAMHS team, and CAMHS teams cover the whole country.

Yes, I personally know loads of child psychologists, that was bull.

Sorry but you have said one more violent attack on your kids or dog and you will go to the police

Just think on.

Get your DC and leave!

I'm sorry if this child has had a terrible childhood but he is not your responsibility.

Arson? Strangulation? Trying to kill a dog?

This child is seriously disturbed and dangerous and needs psychological help.

No relationship is worth this.

Leave as soon as you can and never look back.

Well done for putting yourself and your DC first. Yes, this child obviously needs help and seems to be very disturbed. But you have done all you can and your children must come first. It's time his dad actually parents rather than leaving it to you.

Tried to strangle my son twice
Tried to suffocate the same son twice

This is on top of trying to burn the house down and kill the dog, amongst other things.

You stood by and allowed this child to try and murder your own child FOUR times? You should've taken your children and left after the first attempt. If I was your child I would despise you with every fibre of my being for making me stay in this situation and not protecting me.

Don't be surprised if your own children don't end up with behavioural problems of their own after being subjected to this toxicity and abuse.

You are a really warm and caring woman, OP, thank you for your loving kindness to this little boy and his inept father. But as you are realising, there is only so much you can do, it is time to put yourself first. Enjoy the break, and come back firmer of resolve.

AJPTaylor -- it is nice to see you alive and posting on Mumsnet, a most unlikely forum for you :) Your books made me fall in love with history, thank you :)

I just couldn't deal with parenting his children because he can't be bothered. Fine if you are in it together but for christsake he has the day off and goes motor biking on Wednesdays!!!

I work in mental health, children who try to harm animals plus arson should raise massive red flags for risk of future serious violence. I suggest you ask for referral back to camhs and point out you are aware that he has significant known risk factors for escalating violence which you want documenting and a full risk assessment carrying out. ask what stratagies will be put in place to reduce the risk. Every camhs team should have access to psychology even if it's not immediate. If you can be a little emotionally detached research children who harm animals and go armed with knowledge.

There are certainly psychologists in the UK. We have them in our family. They do exist. Of course they are quite busy and it is not always that easy to get a referral to one. Sometimes it is worth paying privately for one if you can afford it.

In this case I suspect if the father lived with his children and you with yours things might be a bit better for everyone. You would have a bit of peace and space and probably a lot less work. i would gof or that option. if the boyfriend wants to break up instead then that's fine. You will find someone else -ideally who has no children at all as that will be a lot simpler.

My DD has Aspergers and used to steal all the time. I was told it is extremely common in children with autism. What they know and what they feel don't connect properly. They know it's wrong to steal but they don't feel it's wrong. My DD had CBT from an autism specialist to address the problem. That was 8 years ago and she hasn't taken anything since.

I wonder if youre getting fobbed off by the professionals because of the language youre using. I think a really good phrase to remember in these situations is what are our options (because often the progessional has already decided for you) and Im not happy with that.

Another tip is to have one notebook where you record each incident, factually. Also record all communication with different agencies. Take notes at every meeting. Ask questions like how long will that take? When can I expect to hear from you? Who is responsible for making this happen? If you appear to be seripus about your Ss then you will be taken seriously. No more miss nice guy.

This bit tried to kill a dog and your child more than once. He would be out on his arse if he lived in my house.

Is he on medication for the adhd? That could be a start

Boy, whoops.
I wish you the best of luck OP. Having read the rest of the thread.. DH may need to get a grip as well. You may need to go away with your children for a few days and let him handle it himself.

Get out and take the poor dog with you.