Aibu? To think the chances have run out?

[gemplusthree]

First time poster but need some sense of reason.
I'm a mum to 4, plus my partners 3 children. His youngest has been incredibly hard work over the 4 years we have all lived together.
-He has stolen £50 from me when I sold a car and the buyer had to post the rest of the money. I wasn't here in the morning. I contacted buyer to ask if he had put money through the correct letter box.
-He intentionally set fire to the furniture, shut dog in the lounge with sofa on fire and went back to bed and pretended to be asleep. Dog was fine as fire alarm went off.
-Stolen upwards of £100 from two of my children. Birthday and Christmas money. They are no longer given cash and I don't give cash pocket money to avoid issues.
-Tried to strangle my son twice
-Tried to suffocate the same son twice
-Stolen multiple sweets and chocolate from my children. So much so my eldest has a padlock on his bedroom door for when he isn't here.
-Stolen from his grandparents
-Stolen from his dad. But only 30-50p. Not bigger sums like from myself or my children.
-Stole an easter egg whilst at his mums from Asda. She let him eat it.
-Tried to steal chewing gum from tesco. I started checking pockets before we left any shops to make sure nothing was taken without it being paid for.
This child is almost 11. My partner did not take it on board when I said things need to change or I will have to live somewhere else because it's not fair on all the children. He felt the relationship would be over. I felt we'd be back to dating.
I've spoken and had a pcso come out over a year ago, and he did improve but we're back to him being proud because he hasn't stolen for 2 weeks. AIBU to think he has used up all his chances and he needs to be taken to the police station on the next occasion he steals? Am I being firmer as I don't have the maternal bond with him. Would my partner put up with it if one of my 4 children were doing things to his youngest all the time?

@op doesn't matter if you don't have parental responsibility, you are still entitled to advice x

Maybe it's time to see if you can get parental responsibility or insist your husband does what's necessary.

And not to sound mean but you may need more than a window if a week or two but a boy like your dss may need daily encouragement to keep him on track. You need to get him to the point where he is craving that positive attention more than the negative

OP are you going to protect your DC from him or not?

I'm not impressed by your child's school. I know that many school's will try to limit the number of referrals they make for an Ed Psych appointment because of costs BUT there is a clear safeguarding issue with reference to your other children (at the very least) and with regard to the child himself (with regard to the arson) which they have been informed about (by you) and they seem not to have acted on!

Definitely see your GP and start asking for referrals onwards.

A previous poster has suggested going via your PHT and PALS and making a complaint - that sounds like an option.

Your situation is not normal and you should be getting help. It is out there.

Agree with daily positive encouragement. Also, just to add, I wouldn't consider him taking your son's easter egg as stealing. I'd consider that as attention-seeking behaviour. Was your son's easter egg different to his, or was it gifted differently? What made him want it? Does your son get praised a lot more by you, and is he acting out? He's clearly jealous and hurt and attention-seeking but can't really communicate to anyone about it.

To you OP. Those small pieces of chocolate and change mean nothing to you.
But children don't think like that.
To your child they may have meant something. Must have if they were rationed in such a way.
And just like that their abuser took it.
Did you buy him another one?
Please don't minimise your child's possessions. I feel so bad for them. We spend pages and pages urging women to get out of abusive households but expect children to just deal with it while their abuser is the one with the concern.
I feel for the child I really do. But he is an abuser and his victims matter just as much.

Does your child not have an EHCP?

Who was the meeting with when you were told that there was no Ed Psych or CAHMS referral possible?

How did he get the 2 diagnoses?

Sorietynoise that is good to know. Thank you.
My son has adhd and aspergers as well but his school are fabulous.
Dss is in state school. He did have a term at a special school on Tuesday when he was in yr2 but nothing since.
I've been to fact meetings that are held locally, brought leaflets home and dp hasn't looked through them.
He had issues with his older children and was asked to go on a course called triple p. I ended up doing it because I'm a stay at home mum, he works, couldn't get time off.
I do try to plug the maternal hole he has, but he doesn't accept me easily.
Eg if I'm here on my own with him he will not speak to me. Generally ignores me, then I shout and then I get told all I ever do is shout. Which to be fair I guess I do.
I try to cuddle him, but now he is pushing that away. We try to include him when we watch football as he says it's his favourite thing to watch, but he refuses to watch it. I try to take him out when I take my own children out, but sometimes it's difficult as I only have a 5 seat car and not all the children fit in at once. Christmas and birthdays they get the same spent on them for us.
His dad is very wrapped up in his own world as last year he started racing motorbikes again after a 15/20 yr break. His son isn't interested in motorbikes but he is encouraged to come along and spend the day with his dad.
His dad doesn't work Wednesdays so I've told him he needs to do something with his son when he is off. So far the bike has come first.
Goodness I'm not selling my partners better credentials, I'm really painting him in a bad light and I don't mean to. He is a kind caring loving man, he has just had so much chap from his 3 children. He was close the a breakdown when I met him. His daughter has tried to comment suicide twice a year ago. His other son is a typical 15yr old know it all and I know the youngest gets left bobbing along on his own a lot. His dad did rely on the TV to babysit him when we first met. I've changed that I've tried to bring in quiet tome where we do colouring and jigsaws and we all do it.

Op
What a hard choice to have to make, reading your post you're dp sounds very inactive in regards to your ss behaviour, have I read this right, he had for want of a better word custody of him from 2.5 to 6.5? What was his parenting like then? You can't fix this on your own, you also can't protect everyone, but you do have to protect those that can't protect themselves

what statergies is your dp coming out with? What research is he doing?

It's not all down to you.

His dad is very wrapped up in his own world

He needs to get his head out his arse, after reading your last post, i think you should walk away

Your dp needs to step the Fuck up.
Motorbikes I ask you when his son needs help for himself and for the other kids sakes.
He should be googling child psychologists and cutting corners to go private. Not adding around on his phone looking at bikes and plotting expensive weekends away .
I'm mad at him

My sympathies are with you. Raising one child is hard enough, raising seven and one's gone so far off the rails sounds impossible.

The child needs help, while he can still get help and not punishment. If he's still acting the same way when he's 13, 14, then he's on course for a life of criminality. You're trying to get him the support he needs, but are his parents not also trying?

My child got his diagnosis at 5yes old, we went through the standard route of gp, pead, diagnosis. He has IEP and school really support us both.
Dss, dad tried 4 times at gp and got doors shut. I eventually met him and recognised signs and wrote a supporting letter, was sent to pead, same one who saw my son. Diagnosis was given.
My son swapped schools and new school were better able to cope with his additional needs. We were given a new pead.
Dss was with original pead. This doctor wanted to increase tablets, told Dss setting fire to house is dangerous, don't do it again. No support other than leaflets which I'd already had.
My sons turned 10 and been refured to Cahms.
Dss last appointment with a locum pead. We were laughed at told it's the economy and cahms wouldn't be interested. Didn't get to explain the serverity of the problems before being asked to leave.
My children are not big eaters of sweet stuff so it always last them ages, where as Dss eats his all at once, and then is jealous he has nothing left so takes the other children's.
I'm trying my hardest to protect my children. I've installed cctv and fitted a burglar alarm, I've brought padlocks for there rooms so they are locked when they are not here. Every room in the house has smoke alarms fitted by the fire service and the lounge door is also padlocked at night.
Dss is now in a room with his older brother to keep a distant between him and my boys. I'm building a nest egg so I have options as I've put all my eggs in one basket and my inheritance and pay out from my ex have been ploughed into this house so I can't just walk away

You really need to get to the SN board. I think the IEP should have been replaced with an EHCP and that an Ed Psych should be involved.

I also think the previous poster who was talking about complaining about your non-referral via GP is correct.

I think you need to realise how not-normal your situation is and start getting angry. The words 'official complaint' and 'safeguarding' might help.

But get this moved to the SN section. And good luck.

Op you are doing an amazing job,
It isn't until you are away from the situation that you realise how damaging the situation has been on your own mh. It's a slow drip drip effect and all the behaviour eventually becomes then new 'normal'. All the padlocks and cctv are great but in reality it's just sticking plasters trying to do something because it's better than nothing.

Obviously you know all this already, I feel for you and have been in very similar circumstances.
Having some space does help to weight up options, can you ask dp and ss to leave for a little while so you can process everything

your DP's daughter tried to commit suicide. His son is acting up. These do not sound like happy children, and your DP is choosing to spend time on a hobby rather than working on his parenting skills or spending time with his children. They've been effectively abandoned by their mother so their father is their sole parent. And now he's effectively delegated parenting responsibility to you. It sounds like you are trying your best but jeez you're having to parent 7 kids!!!

So...I'm guessing here...but if I was one of his kids I would feel that neither of my birth parents were particularly interested in me. His son isn't interested in bikes, but he's invited to spend the day doing something that he's not interested in, to spend time with his dad.

That does sound rather odd. I don't request my children join in with my hobbies- I squeeze my hobby in around the kids which means that I don't get to do it much! From an outside perspective it seems that your DP really needs to get his arse in gear and be a bloody father. Having been on the verge of a breakdown is no excuse. I've actually had a proper breakdown (hospital etc) and I can tell you that it in now way absolves you of your responsibilities. You clearly love this man, and are making excuses for him and doing the best that you can, trying to make everything ok. This is HIS responsibility. He needs to sort it out. His son is clearly not happy with you giving cuddles etc- maybe because what he really wants is proper attention from his dad.

Going to sound silly here but how do o move a thread?
His dad had him from 2.5 yes. There was another step mum, possibly 2. The TV was his baby sitter, or a laptop.
I'm from school sat I'm front of the TV, dinner, bed watching TV. So dad could do housework, cook dinner without him being under his feet. Well that's how it looked to me from an outsiders view.
Dad is very placid and just says what am I meant to do? I'm screaming help him, just do something please.
Will be contacting my gp Monday too and emailing pals. Thank you all for your advice and help. It helps to know I'm not going crackers for wanting to give up, but also wanting to salvage the relationship and help the child before he gets into serious trouble.

Dangermoiseisace you are spot on he wants and needs his dad. I can not replace his mum and even less so his dad.
My children are with their dad now for the rest of the summer, so Wednesday if he is off work, I'm going to take myself out for the day and see what/ if anything he does with him.
I might even book a night or two away and have a break to get my head together and see how do copes without me. I really feel I need to do this

I think a break would do you the world of good. I would also say that it's not the behaviour of your dsc that needs to change for you to not leave but your husbands.

I would be telling him with three children two of which are having emotional difficulties he hasn't the time for a ducking hobby and to sort his shit out

I would be also looking up the symptoms of attachment disorder if you haven't already. I've previously worked with some children who were thought to have this and some of the things you've said definitely ring some bells.

It definitely sounds like attachment disorder to me too.

Unfortunately "triple P" parenting doesn't work with these children.

I would recommend therapeutic parenting or NVR (non violent resistance)

I would look for a local child psychologist with attachment specialism

And definitely complain about that locum. In many areas parents can refer directly to Camhs. See if you can find out about that.

I would be very unimpressed with his dads lack of effort to help him

I remember your previous posts.

This is a ten year old child with multiple serious issues, that needs a massive amount of intervention. But you can't really do anything about that.

My question is: why one earth are you living with a man who is so incompetent and uncaring? A man who has failed his children over and over and over again? Who doesn't seem to care much for you or your children?
What are you doing?

Agree with booboo. A dad who has a child as troubled as this one hasn't got time for days by himself with his hobbies. He's leaving this to you and that's unforgiveable both from you and from his son who needs him.
I'm sorry to say I think you should remove yourself and your kids from this situation. If that means selling the house then so be it.

I've been reading some pages and taken some tests about attachment disorders and he definitely has symptoms of it. I will bring it up with the child psychologist I've book marked to ring Monday.
I'm going to have a break while my children are with their dad, I've made my mind up.
If his dad does not make some effort to help his child, my children will have to be put first and the relationship will end. I can not tolerate anymore abuse being inflicted on my two youngest boys. My 10yr old has been through so much, and has been the primary victim for most of his issues and it has to stop.
I put up with 7 yes of abuse towards me, with my ex partner but as soon as the children were on the receiving end I left. I hadn't realised that the taking my children's things was another form of abuse, I just thought it was a child who didn't care and wanted what the others had. I wasn't looking at it from my 10yr old view point. I was looking on as a frustrated adult who is fed up with it seeming this child can do what he wants.
Thank you for helping me see things clearer and giving me links to get help and advice and mainly for waking me up to what is really happening.

It's a difficult decision for you to make but unless his dad steps up this child is fucked. So yes you need to protect your children from it. Alarms and padlocks is no way to grow up for any child in this situation