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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's different because she's a girl!!

83 replies

Emboo19 · 11/08/2017 17:49

My cousins wife is expecting their first baby, they found out the gender at the scan today (boy) my auntie is super excited and she's a Fb fan so I knew she'd post, which she had. I went on to post a congratulations and read her announcement. She's obviously put they've found out and she's having a grandson etc, then she's tagged my grandparents and put 'another generation of Jones (not our real surname) to carry on the family name' then some '#my sons, son', #first baby jones....
Only problem, my DD who is 10 months is a Jones and it was my aunt I spoke in length to about that the decision to give my name and not dp's. My dad replied, quite lightheartedly, congrats and some other stuff......but then, sorry though, he's not the first, I beat you to it #my daughters, daughter (laughing faces so it was done jokingly)
She's replied with the thread title!! I read the first comment and my dad's earlier and was a bit hurt, but honestly thought in her excitement she'd just forgotten and she text to apologise. But then she's just posted the last comment and I'm not sure what to say to that!

Whats worse my aunt changed my cousins name to her maiden name when she left her husband, 'as she's a girl' her son wouldn't traditionally have her name anyway.
And we are really close, she was really supportive when I found out I was pregnant with DD, often calls to see us and vice versa.

Should I say something and if so what? Or am I being a bit silly to be bothered by it at all?

OP posts:
beedybeedybumbum · 11/08/2017 17:51

Unless there's a massive backstory just roll your eyes and put it behind you

MorrisZapp · 11/08/2017 17:54

I wouldn't bother. Some people are obsessed with first baby in the family, first boy or girl etc, sounds like fb nonsense to me.

RiverTam · 11/08/2017 17:55

Well, I wouldn't get into a public FB spat about it but I can see that it's hurtful. I would ring her about it. She is implying your DD is 'lesser' because she's a girl.

SecretFreebirther · 11/08/2017 18:00

It is a bit different though as your dd wouldn't traditionally pass the name on through marriage

RiverTam · 11/08/2017 18:06

That tradition is falling by the wayside, though, isn't it? As the OP's own family can attest!

Original poster
Emboo19 · 11/08/2017 18:07

That's what it feels like River like she's saying she's not as important. I wouldn't put anything on Fb, I only went on because I know how much my aunt likes it, if you make a fuss on there.

I get that Secret but then my aunt wouldn't traditionally have passed it to her son! And even if my DD doesn't carry on the name (which I'm really not bothered about) she's still the first 'jones' great grandchild to my grandparents.

OP posts:
WideHorizon · 11/08/2017 18:11

It is different though, the majority of women take their husband's name on marriage, so this is the first grandchild who will continue the family name.

It's only on MN that changing your name on marriage is seen as a dying tradition.

ArcheryAnnie · 11/08/2017 18:13

Your aunt is being ridiculous.

ArcheryAnnie · 11/08/2017 18:14

It's only on MN that changing your name on marriage is seen as a dying tradition.

I'm the only person I personally know from real life on Mumsnet and yet I know tons of women who have kept their own names. It's not unusual at all.

BorisTrumpsHair · 11/08/2017 18:16

Only boys "count" in her eyes.
Old school misogyny.

Crunchymum · 11/08/2017 18:16

I don't read it the way you do OP? I read it as girls (women) being more likely to take a different name / less likely to pas's on their maiden name. Which is the way things are?

Crunchymum · 11/08/2017 18:17

Pas's = pass

Syc4moreTrees · 11/08/2017 18:17

I think she means because boys/men traditionally carry the family name forward. You decided to do things differently with your DD but if she got married she may lose her name.

Try not to find offence where none is intended, she's just excited to be having a grandchild. Don't rain on her parade

Bardo · 11/08/2017 18:21

I would just let it slide. At least you didn't do what I did and give your child its father's sur name, and I'm not wishing bad luck on anybody least of all your cousin's wife but serious she might well be on here in a few years time wishing she'd done what you did!

If it's ''different because your daughter is a girl'' then the answer is, yes, in our case it was a conscious forward thinking decision, not just patriarchal default. That is the kind of statement that would make my mother go cross eyed and my aunt have another glass of red wine!

gelnames · 11/08/2017 18:27

Facebook is such an abomination and causes so much trouble all over the place over important and very trivial things.

I cannot understand how so many people are ON it at all. It seems to be just trouble in the making. I'm obviously generalising. But the amount of posts looking for advice that have FB in the mix is astounding.

De register immediately I say!

BTW I am not, and never will be a member. Smug smiley ha ha.

SayNoToCarrots · 11/08/2017 18:29

secretfreebirther Seeing as the OP's daughter and the OP's aunt's son both have their mother's surnames, I don't think traditionally passing the name on through marriage is relevant here. Also #firstbabyJones is basically ignoring OP's DD's existence ...

Beachbaby2017 · 11/08/2017 18:30

It's rather ironic that the name is being passed on through women in your family right now!

I'd be bothered but I don't know what I'd say - you're definitely right to not do it on FB though.

I'm having a boy and my ILs are putting huge pressure on about his last name. It makes me feel like nothing more than a vessel.

It's only on MN that changing your name on marriage is seen as a dying tradition.

I disagree. Absolutely all of my friends kept their names upon marriage.

Amanduh · 11/08/2017 18:30

Well traditionally it's just that a boy will carry on the family name (amd everyone I know in real life... nobody I know has ever kept their maiden name or given it to their children although I know many people on mn have) so it is different. She's not implying she's worth less.. just that a boy would be an heir to the family.

Beachbaby2017 · 11/08/2017 18:32

Oh wait, sorry, I misunderstood and thought your cousin was the woman having the baby.

Amanduh · 11/08/2017 18:32

And yes I know your daughter has the name but it's more likely to die out along her line. And yes I know people hate the tradition etc etc etc but that's just how the majority of people would think

MikeUniformMike · 11/08/2017 18:35

Your auntie is batshit. Roll your eyes and move on.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 11/08/2017 18:38

It's true though! Girls marry the name disappears.

ReanimatedSGB · 11/08/2017 18:39

It's sexist bullshit but if your aunt is otherwise lovely it's the sort that is best not tackled aggressively. Her opinion is her opinion. It only really needs addressing if, when all the babies are around, she treats the boy ones better than the girl ones, or tells your DD she can't do/have/wear [whatever] because she's a girl.

WideHorizon · 11/08/2017 18:41

Your auntie is batshit.

Calling somebody 'batshit' because they hold an opinion that differs from yours is an awful thing to do.

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 11/08/2017 18:41

She's being a dick. She's your dad's sister? Are they competitive about other stuff?

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