AIBU in being angry with her too (DV related)

[lalalalyra]

I've been thinking quite a lot about my childhood recently. I tried to have some counselling sessions recently to deal with an issue with my brother, but I hated the counsellor and a comment made has actually left me annoyed.

I'm the youngest of 4. I'm younger by a way as my mother had 2 or 3 miscarriages between my sister and myself. My siblings are roughly 9, 8 and 6.5 years older than me.

When I was 7 my father burned one of my brothers with the iron and that was the snapping point for my paternal grandparents who removed us into their care. They were aware that my parents were neglectful and that there was violence between my parents (toward each other) and they bit their tongue over a lot to stay close as it was clear the situation was worsening as the drug problem became worse.

Anyway, my counsellor openly expressed surprise that I was angry with my mother. He tried to hide it, but the first time I mentioned it he reacted quite strongly.

Now my father was undoubtedly the worst of the two. He was cruel as well as violent. One of my earliest memories is being sat at the table hungry and watching him eat all 6 plates of dinner because we'd done something that meant we didn't deserve it. By the time I was 5 or 6 I knew to lie if he asked what my favourite birthday or Christmas present was (and I knew how to hide excitement when I opened something) because I knew he'd target my favourite thing, we all did.

However, my mother didn't just do nothing. I could understand a woman not knowing how to get out of a situation, but she diverted him to us sometimes. If he was raging mad when he came home then she'd start something. Accuse one of us of breaking something or doing something and that meant one of us, usually one of the boys, would get a hiding instead of her. Or she would give us a hiding herself, egged on by him, as that diverted his mind from her.

That I can't forgive. I actually think worse of her than him. He was evil. She wasn't. She didn't save us when social workers came calling or when she had the chance to leave because she knew that she wouldn't ever leave him and we were a buffer. I know this because she admitted it when she was dying.

She was a victim in many ways, but that didn't, imo, give her the right to do what she did to us. Yet this is the second time a counsellor has been surprised that I haven't, and won't, forgive her.

And it's annoying because I'm actually ok about them now. I've made my peace with it. It's the situation with my bloody siblings that I have an issue with and want to try and sort in my mind. It is related, the issues are partly because we have very different views (there is competative 'who suffered the most' between them), but I can't get by this because every counsellor insists on a background and then seems to think not forgiving her is the root. When it's not.

I hate the whole forgiving bollucks. I changed counsellor who suggested that way forward isn't about forgiving but accepting- sounds hippy dippy but it's true. You don't have to forgive your mother but maybe to move forward you have to accept what she did and accept that it will have affected you all differently.

YA so NBU.

I'm sorry you had to go through this.

I fully get that feeling. I had a violent abusive step dad and I still hate my mum for the fact that not only did she do nothing she would watch him beat me and then stand over me whilst I was sobbing and tell me I deserved it.

I dont have any real advice other than to say that I know the feeling only too well of being angry at her too

Your feelings are so valid, and real, and they should not act like this - it seems like they're judging you? By not getting you away, your mother was of course complicit.

I agree with you and I think there is far too much sympathy given to women who do not leave abusive and violent men. Yes, it is hard, but if you have a child, you do it. It's about your child, not you. They are helpless and vulnerable and you are an adult (even if you are being emotionally abused).

Of course you should be angry with her. She let you down, and colluded with him against you all. Even if you also love her you can and should be angry that she didn't protect you and didn't leave. She didn't put you first, which is what all children deserve from their mothers (and fathers).

Was the counsellor perhaps expressing surprise that you were more angry with your mother than your father? Because that's what comes over in your post.

You could look up coercive control. It might help shed some light on things you mention.

You need a new counsellor, OP.
It sounds like you have worked through much of how you feel, but the sibling issues are the block to feeling comfortable.
I don't think you're wrong for being angry with your mother - she enabled or indeed encouraged some of the abuse - why wouldn't you be upset about it?
I really hope you are able to find some peace about all of this. You sound very close to it, to me, but you need the right person to be able to get there.

Your mum should have protected you. You've every right to feel angry and let down.

It's ok not to forgive something/someone that did something that was unforgivable. Your mother abused you all. Actively as well as passively. Your counsellor is wrong. Time for a new counsellor.

I also agree that there is too much sympathy given to women who leave abusive and violent men. Unfortunately saying that out loud is classed as victim blaming. Sorry OP. I don't want to derail your thread.

I'm sorry that the people who should have protected you and loved you as a child didn't

See I have accepted her. What I actually need a bit of help getting my head around is the realisation that my brother, who I thought I was close too my whole life, has actually resented me since we were children as he thought I had it easy. It's not so much about them, or what they did, or how it affected us, as how I deal with the grief I feel at losing my brother (there's no coming back from where we are now).

Ironically part of the issue is that I have dealt with what our parents did. My siblings are massively resentful of that and think it's because I had it easy, but actually it's because of the counselling I had when I was pregnant the first time as I was terrified I'd be like them

YANBU at all.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. I don't understand why a therapist would want you to forgive someone who was clearly in the wrong. Forgiveness when it's not deserved may be sometimes a religious concept. But if you don't believe in that then there is no reason for you to do it.

Moving on from it, learning from it and not letting it spoil the rest of your life is a better way of dealing with past traumas.

My step mother was a nasty piece of work. She made my teenage years and my twenties and thirties way harder than they should've been. My dad is no longer married to her and I don't have to be in contact with her anymore.

She may have her own issues as to why she was horrible to me. But I can't resolve them for her and I don't need to. I have my own life to lead. She may have had a negative influence on my upbringing but I cannot fix the past. I am a step mum myself now. I'd like to think I would've always been a good one, perhaps I'm better because I know what it's like to be treated badly by a step parent. Finding something good from something bad helps to deal with the past

YANBU...I know abuse from both sides as a child and as a mum...Yes every instinct of my body was to protect my DS.. My mums not so..I don't forgive my mother either.

AS for the relationships with your siblings...You all suffered, will be damaged in different ways..You were all children and should of been protected.

You are absolutely not unreasonable. I'm sorry that was your childhood. I blame your mother as much as your father. Victimhood goes out the door when children become the abused.

You definitely need a new counsellor.

Many years ago my dh went on a series of french exchanges with a family his parents knew (not just a random french exchange). The father (highly "respectable" wealthy etc.) was a violent man who took it out on his wife and children. He could keep the facade up outside the home but within the home - even with a stranger present - he could not. Or maybe it was just that he regarded children as irrelevant people who would never be believed (and he was right). My dh was only 11 but he could clearly see the wife creating situations where the father would beat the children when he came home. Presumably this was so he wouldn't beat her. My dh was traumatised by 2 weeks in that home (and as much by the mother as the father)- can't imagine what it was to live in it and survive it. Kudos to you for surviving it.

Your counsellor shouldn't be bring their feelings or values or judgements into this.

They shouldn't be showing surprise or reaction to your feelings like that.

Unfortunately too many people end up with a career in counselling because they are damaged themselves. It can take a few attempts to find a good one, and it can be draining explaining the background over and over.

I hope you feel able to try to find someone else and that you find someone more professional next time.

Was the counsellor perhaps expressing surprise that you were more angry with your mother than your father? Because that's what comes over in your post.

I am more angry with her. I have been ever since I had children, and I have accepted that.

My father was a drug addict evil alchoholic. He believed it was his right to do what he did. I hate him for that and I'm not in any way excusing him.

My mother didn't just turn a blind eye or collude. She used us as a shield. When the opportunity was there for her to deflect the violence she did. She selfishly allowed her children to be harmed (the food thing in my OP was common - at 6 I feared school holidays because at least weekends were only 2 days) to protect herself. She lied in social work meetings that he wasn't at to keep her shield. She knew exactly what she was doing (and admitted so when she was dying).

OP you have a separate issue with your siblings. The boys may well have encountered more abuse (in the french family I described the boys definitely did) and they may have seen worse than you did because your father was younger when he had them.

It isn't your fault if you had a marginally better time in a abusive home than your siblings and if they blame that on you then they are wrong - presumably it is the fog of misery that abuse brings that is causing that. But be assured it is not your fault. If you don't have a relationship with your siblings then that is another injury from your parent's behaviour.

Oh and I'd be angrier at your mother too.

A therapist absolutely shouldn't be making you feel that your feelings are 'wrong' or judging you for them. That's the complete opposite of their job. No-one has the right to tell you that you 'should' forgive any abuse done to you - that's your decision, and only yours. YANBU.

I want to make one thing clear - I don't blame her for not leaving. That's not the issue I have with her. I don't agree with women who stay with violent partners when their children witness it, but I understand that it's not just as simple as leaving.

It's the fact she actively turned him toward us to protect herself that I won't ever forgive. My brother still has a scar on his back from the iron from one such day.

You are extremely eloquent op. You are entirely justified in how you feel. What a bloody awful situation for you and your siblings.