Asking DM & DDad to pay their way...

[Bringonthegin]

Apologies for the long post, have been dealing with this for years & wld appreciate some other views.
Will try to keep it as short as poss:
Backstory:
For the last 20 or so years, my parents have been hopeless with money. Simple fact of my life: plenty of it was made (Dad worked, Mum didn't) but then spent, with little thought about the future because the money could always be made. No pensions, savings. Recession hit, and everything changed. Money wasn't so easy to make, Dad was made bankrupt, their house ended up being re-mortgaged with a nightmare lender (story for another time) on horrendous interest rates. Dad didn't tell anyone how bad things really were. Fast forward to the month of my wedding (in 2010): I found myself in court, supporting my Dad & pleading for more time to pay mortgage arrears on their house bcs wld otherwise be evicted on my wedding day. I had found out about that 48 hours earlier as bailiffs had appeared & Mum called me, freaking out. My soon to be DH & I scraped together £20k to bail them out. None was ever paid back, only just recently finished paying that off ourselves . Fast forward to 2013: the lies had continued, bailiffs appeared at their house: no more chances. The house was repossessed, & they moved everything & themselves to my Grandmothers house. Not ideal. No money following sale of house after repossession, so suddenly they were basically homeless & penniless.
Fast forward some more: I set up a business in2014 to employ Dad, they moved in with us (GM by this time was v ill & in hospital: she died last year). They have lived with us ever since. They have use of my car (sold their own), we have not asked for a penny yet for groceries, bills etc, although they do sometimes pay towards food. Very stressful situation to date: I closed the business this year as had a breakdown in January (immense strain on my marriage being a factor). Dad now employed elsewhere, working all hours but earning good money. Mum working part time, but doing well.
Now they're earning, we want them to have enough to be able to rent somewhere of their own etc, but my question is this: in my position, would you now ask for some financial assistance towards bills & groceries? We will help them sort out somewhere to live (their credit history is a nightmare etc): it'll be local as they're brilliant with our child & we have family not too far away & their jobs are obvs important!
But we (DH &I) feel as though it wouldn't be unreasonable: do you agree?
There is much more to this as well, but wld appreciate your thoughts. Pls be gentle: this has been the most appallingly stressful nightmare. TIA.

What a tough time you've had and you have shown so much care and compassion. Yes I would ask for something, whilst still allowing them to save to move. What you don't want is them spending loads of money on treats for themselves whilst you are letting them live for free - not saying that would happen but that would be worst case sceniro and a token gesture (even a meal a week) sets the culture of them contributing to the house and not just themselves. Good luck

I agree with anecdoche - if you ask for payment (which would be entirely reasonable) I think they're likely to use it as an excuse to stay.

Given how bad they are with money, are they likely to successfully save, move out and stay out? If so, I'd push for that. If you think realistically they are with you for the long term, then they should pay their way

Tell them to leave.

You shouldn't have taken them on.

Absol fucking lutley I'd ask them for cash!!!!

And make them move out.

I would ask them to contribute and give them a move out date. What I would not do is agree to be a guarantor on any property the want to rent, they have already proved untrustworthy with money and I suspect
YOU will end up with a large rent arrears bill.

I am rather shocked that they haven't offered you any money for their keep now they are working. That's quite disturbing.

Your stress and business closing works in your favour now. You tell them that you and DH need your own space back. You are so glad they are back in work. Let's start flat hunting today.

Sounds like they don't give a flying shit about you though so I expect they'll want to stay and keep milking you no matter what the effect on you.

What does your DH think?

You need to stop being their safety net. I would want them out so I would get my own life back. Frankly, I'm surprised your husband has tolerated all this for so long. Your parents are taking complete advantage of you.

I agree that by asking them to pay towards their 'keep', you are giving them the message that their stay with you is permanent.
I think An honest talk with them is needed - you're so pleased that their situation is more positive, but your own family situation has been taking a back seat and you now need to re-focus on your DH and DC. You'd love to see them settled into a new home by Christmas and will help them with arrangements as much as you can.

Definitely get them out of your house as soon as possible. And don't be a guarantor for them.
If this was an older person telling us about their adult children being hopeless with money, I'd be just as appalled and I'd say the same.

This is wrecking your health and your marriage, as well as ruining your business. Don't let them get away with it any longer, and don't bail them out again.

They have no consideration for anyone but themselves, don't keep helping them to get away with it.

but my question is this: in my position, would you now ask for some financial assistance towards bills & groceries?

Christ, I'd tell them to get the hell out and start paying me back for everything they owed me! Your DH is a saint, btw.

Agree with pps. I'd make getting rid of the top priority over getting any money for their keep. If you think they'll use you asking for money will end up being used as an excuse to stay longer, I wouldn't want to do that.

Oh gosh - what a stressful time! You and your DH sound very patient and forgiving. I'd ask to set up a payment plan to pay back the 20k, ask them to move out and contribute. Don't be a guarantor for them as it may turn out the same which won't be good for your health or credit score.

I would ask them to leave
if not, then ask them to pay market rate

I would also ask for everything back that you paid for them.

did your grandmother own her home? I am concerned that if they inherited money, they would not have told you, in order to avoid being asked to pay you anything to cover their debts.

If they were teenagers and working, they would be expected to pay their way so why should they be any different?

I can't even begin to imagine the stress you are under, especially given you've had a breakdown. I think this is one of those times where you need to be a bit selfish on order to look after yourself.

I'd ask for a contribution to food and then get the ball rolling with them moving out on their own. Pretty much like a teenager, it will get them into the habit of budgeting and accounting for their money again.

Remember though, take care of yourself more.

They're both earning. Letting agents like 3 months worth of payslips usually. Assuming they have that, give them two months to move out. They have no overheads. Unless rents are thousands where you live, the deposit and first months rent upfront shouldn't be too hard to find considerimg they have no overheads. They really don't give a shit about you, do they? I agree with pps. Stop being their safety net.

I would be worried that asking them for rent as it were would make them feel they had a right to stay.

I would rather tell them they need to start saving X amount so they can move out by Y date.

I'm very surprised they haven't brought this up themselves! They must surely realise that you and DH have done over and above for them, I can't believe that they haven't insisted on contributing .

Besides that it doesn't seem there's been any suggestion they might try to pay back the money you had to scramble to get when you first bailed them out which is just as shocking to me.

Wow OP they really are taking you for granted, surely you cannot carry on like this? You really need to decide with DH what kind of time frame to give them for moving out. While they're still with you they should be contributing something towards household expenses too.

Blimey OP you have gone above and beyond for them, when they really haven't helped themselves and don't seem to pay you much respect.

I agree, ask them to start paying back the £20k rather than a contribution to houshold costs. That way you can keep it going when they move out.

If you don't start it now, then there will always be an excuse. You could ask for a larger payment while they live with you, then reduce it when they have their own housing costs.

I would ask them to leave as soon as is reasonably possible but agree that you should not risk your credit rating for them. Not when they have proven themsleves to be so unreliable.

I could forgive the first failure and denial of repossession and bankruptcy etc, but to not learn from that is just not on (and it doesn't sound like they have mental health issues).

It is no wonder that you have been so stressed and become unwell. I hope you can get this resolved soon and get your life and your health back.

Give them a date when you need them to leave and, if they haven't found somewhere by then, put them out anyway.
They can then report to the council as homeless.
It is time your parents faced some consequences for their ways.

Am quite staggered how cosy they have made themselves as you are put through the wringer. I know it's normally a good thing to give a helping hand, support family members but you and DH have gone above and beyond. Your health has suffered and now your marriage.

Of the whole account the lies had continued that phrase really jumped out at me. That was a few years' ago but I would take anything they say with a big fat pinch of salt.

Of course you wouldn't be unreasonable - it's the least that should happen without any prompting. How can they just leech off you to the point where you suffer a breakdown and still not offer any reciprocal help? Where is their self respect and gratitude?

Frankly they should be paying you back the £20K. Outrageous that they were prepared to take this with no intention of trying to repay it from a newly married couple.

I really feel for you. I think your parents have to an extent become infantilised by you rescuing them. I speak from bitter experience. You sound like you still love them very much and still want to preserve your relationship and I think the only way to do that is to frame their moving out positively as another step in their financial recovery - you might need to offer to help though...

Christ on a bike. They are adults, you are not responsible for them or their crap decisions.

Boot them out asap. In the long term you might need counselling to get your life back on track. It sounds nightmarish.