Asking DM & DDad to pay their way...

[Bringonthegin]

Apologies for the long post, have been dealing with this for years & wld appreciate some other views.
Will try to keep it as short as poss:
Backstory:
For the last 20 or so years, my parents have been hopeless with money. Simple fact of my life: plenty of it was made (Dad worked, Mum didn't) but then spent, with little thought about the future because the money could always be made. No pensions, savings. Recession hit, and everything changed. Money wasn't so easy to make, Dad was made bankrupt, their house ended up being re-mortgaged with a nightmare lender (story for another time) on horrendous interest rates. Dad didn't tell anyone how bad things really were. Fast forward to the month of my wedding (in 2010): I found myself in court, supporting my Dad & pleading for more time to pay mortgage arrears on their house bcs wld otherwise be evicted on my wedding day. I had found out about that 48 hours earlier as bailiffs had appeared & Mum called me, freaking out. My soon to be DH & I scraped together £20k to bail them out. None was ever paid back, only just recently finished paying that off ourselves . Fast forward to 2013: the lies had continued, bailiffs appeared at their house: no more chances. The house was repossessed, & they moved everything & themselves to my Grandmothers house. Not ideal. No money following sale of house after repossession, so suddenly they were basically homeless & penniless.
Fast forward some more: I set up a business in2014 to employ Dad, they moved in with us (GM by this time was v ill & in hospital: she died last year). They have lived with us ever since. They have use of my car (sold their own), we have not asked for a penny yet for groceries, bills etc, although they do sometimes pay towards food. Very stressful situation to date: I closed the business this year as had a breakdown in January (immense strain on my marriage being a factor). Dad now employed elsewhere, working all hours but earning good money. Mum working part time, but doing well.
Now they're earning, we want them to have enough to be able to rent somewhere of their own etc, but my question is this: in my position, would you now ask for some financial assistance towards bills & groceries? We will help them sort out somewhere to live (their credit history is a nightmare etc): it'll be local as they're brilliant with our child & we have family not too far away & their jobs are obvs important!
But we (DH &I) feel as though it wouldn't be unreasonable: do you agree?
There is much more to this as well, but wld appreciate your thoughts. Pls be gentle: this has been the most appallingly stressful nightmare. TIA.

What a dreadful situation to find yourself in. You have been very very generous. Far more than most people.

Your parents are adults. Now thay are adults who are back on their feet you must give them a date to move out.

I would also be asking for the 20 grand back.

By being so kind you are enabling them to continue to be useless with money. Stop being responsible for them.

Wow, I've just read your responses & shut myself in the kitchen to have a little cry & re-group!
All to the good though: TBH I'd started to wonder if I was losing my mind or being a total b*tch to even ask. So helpful to get outside perspective on this: it's been so long winded, and embarrassing, it's been bloody difficult to talk about with anyone: I sound like a raving loony (I think) as it stretches credibility. Doubly hard actually seeing it in black & white: this is the first time I've ever written anything like this about it publically. I suspect if I'd read this (& it wasn't happening to me) I'd be saying much the same as most of you have.

DH & I want them in their own place by Christmas, we've decided to talk with them about it & to set that as a date.

Have also decided to ask to see bank statements so we know what their current position is exactly (we have no idea at the moment: it's not been volunteered). It's prompted us to think about how to handle the rent/guarantor side of things.

I've decided to ask for a contribution to our household running costs too: DH worked out tonight that we've spent an additional £20k on higher bills, groceries etc since they've been here (£5k a year!). Good grief.

Thank you all so much for the replies & good wishes: you've reassured me that I'm not being totally unreasonable! With hindsight I wish I'd been a more forceful with them earlier, to make changes, but that's easy to say now :-/

And yes, my DH is a bloomin' saint, and I know I'm amazingly lucky in that regard too!

I just can't believe they feel ok about staying with you for so long and not contributing - madness! You and your DH deserve a medal!

When you closed the business down, did they not see the effect it was having on you?

I'd want them out, there's a difference between being supportive vs. enabling their feckless behaviour.

They should have been paying their living costs long ago.

If they we're fair they'd have offered the moment they could offer something, anything, even just something towards the extra food, utilities, repairs on house

Your marriage needs to come first

Your family unit with DH has taken second place for years!?!

Do NOT ask to see bank statements!

Step away

You're too involved, you are not their parents!

Why do you think this is your problem to solve?

You've sunk too much in already (financially, emotional, practical). Why aren't you drawing and enforcing normal boundaries here OP?

Your poor DH :(

I agree they should be contributing to expenses
AND repaying the first £20k. I think the second £20k is gone. They sound like leaches.

Do not be their guarantor.

If you do that you will end up paying their rent, in which case you might as well pay it up front now.

Asking to see their bank statements is weird. Their lack of money isn't actually your problem. Their inability to get a flat isn't your problem. They might have to be lodgers instead of proper renters until they've built up a better credit rating. They might have to declare as homeless to the council. Not. Your. Problem.

Why are you asking to see their bank statements?! That's a ridiculous thing to ask - they're not teenagers and you're not their parents. You're far far too involved here. Ask them to leave, ask them for rent, ask for your £40k (if you've spent £20k on top of the £20k bailing them out) but DO NOT ask to see their bank statements.

Wow! What are they like round the house? How can they sponge off you and think it's ok?

If they have 3 months rent in advance they can usually get a private rental - did they not go on the council list?

Why do you have to 'think' for them?

Do NOT ask to see bank statements

Do NOT go guarantor for them EVER

STEP AWAY you are not the parent!! Sit them down and tell them you need them out by 1st October, this gives them time to drag the fucking arse out of it, take the piss some more and means you might have them gone for the new year

And then apply for sainthood for your dh, hand on heart I would have left long ago if this way my dh

Don't be their guarantor.

It'd be cheaper to give them two months' rent upfront as a severance gift.

Don't be their guarantor.

It'd be cheaper to give them two months' rent upfront as a severance gift.

But if they are both working and you are covering:
Housing
House related bills
Food
Transport

What are they spending their money on now?

^ all the above. DON'T be their guarantor. You will be paying rent AND your own mortgage.

Just being nosey but how old are your DParents? If they have no provision for retirement, are the jobs they're currently working in an area that will let them carry on for a while, to try to build up some savings?

I agree with previous posters to kick them out. Things should never have been allowed to progress this far. They should've been made to stand on their own irresponsible feet a long time ago.

And for the sake of all that is holy, do NOT be their guarantor. That's just an open invitation to end up paying their rent as well as your own (mortgage). Your parents will use that to never pay their rent and will expect you to bail them out as soon as the first week of rent is due.

Your husband is an absolute saint. There's no way in hell I'd have bailed my future inlaws out like that, let alone continued doing it after we were married. Quite frankly, I'd have divorced you by now just to protect my own financial security.

Was there any inheritance when your DGM died? Where did that go?

I'd give them nothing more. They are taking the piss, family or not.

You've been more than accommodating of them for years - I think it would be eminently reasonable to ask them for something in return!

Preferably the return of the £20k; but failing that, at the very LEAST they could contribute to household expenditure.

However, given the stresses and strains, I'd consider asking them to find somewhere else to live, but I can guarantee that if you do that, they will feel it absolves them of ANY need to give you any financial recompense.

Do not allow them to take the piss out of you any longer though - either go for the money, or get them out and assure them that no further financial assistance will be coming their way.

And NO do NOT be a guarantor for them!! Absolutely not! Cut your financial ties with them, they are total liabilities!

I would make a clean break, if you can, and not ask for any money to be repaid - sounds like it won't be anyway? If you can afford to forgo it and your DH agrees.

Focus the energy on getting them into their own place WITHOUT you and DH going guarantor. Just salvage what you can eg sounds like you still have a good relationship with them and it is great they are good with your child.

Close this chapter and look to the future. You have done over and above to date.

You and DH have already done way more than could ever reasonably be asked. Unless you want them to be a profound burden on you til they die, start training them to get out and live like adults.

You must now put your marriage and child first, and also avoid the risk of enabling their inadequate behaviour.

Of course they should contribute. No question.

Once they are gone I think you need counselling in respect of your relationship with them. It's not healthy. Do not be their guarantor.

Christ don't be their guarantor man, that's the road to madness.

Your parents sound like parasites. Tell them you want paying back the 20k and they need to move into their own place now they're back on their feet. You are not responsible for them.

Op, please update us on the outcome

I've rarely seen such blatant disregard for a grown child's financial well-being & marriage, your parents should be truly ashamed of themselves and the choices they've made (it's not everything happening through bad luck, they CHOSE to manage finances poorly whilst the sun was shining then leeched off you for years when it rained