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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this mum in the coffee shop

826 replies

Sallygoroundthemoon · 10/08/2017 11:54

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

OP posts:
petitdonkey · 10/08/2017 13:58

I have always tried to be very quiet when dealing with my children in public and not be a performance parent. However, I do remember when they were quite young (think 3, 5, 7 ish) and in a cafe (waitrose, natch) a lady came up to me as she was leaving and said 'I just want to say what a lovely manner you have with your children'. I cried and never forgot it - maybe someone else listening thought that I was 'performance parenting'?

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 14:01

petitdonkey
They wouldn't think you were performance parenting. You were probably doing what any considerate and reasonable adult would have done.

Performance parents and parents who allow their children to run wild don't get sincere compliments.

As another poster put it, there's parenting and performance parenting. If you can't see the difference you're probably performing/inconsiderate.
You sound considerate.

TeamCersei · 10/08/2017 14:02

Parenting and performance parenting are 2 very different things

The first is natural, the second is false.
(similar to the difference between a genuine smile and a false smile)

Hissy · 10/08/2017 14:02

Chances of my kids being burnt by a boiling drink are very low - a risk I will take

My ds was in hospital for 10 days with burns to 13% of his body

2 ops, 2 years out of the sun, scarred for life.

Half a pudding bowl of boiling water from a steam inhalation accident

I cant ever unsee my child's flesh hanging off his legs before my very eyes.

You think a grande cappucino with it's steaming milk added would do an less to your child's FACE when he runs into someone with a tray?

Burns are an accident you blame yourself for. every single time. It's not the same as them falling out of a tree, getting hit by a car, picking up a car, getting bitten by a dog.

My ds and I have life long access to psych support if we should ever need it. On the NHS.

You think that offer would be made and funded if it wasn't absolutely needed? with the state of the NHS purse the way it is?

If ANYONE thinks its a risk worth taking to allow Mummy's Little Snowflake to run about in a cafe, near hot and scalding food/drinks, give yourself an almighty kick up the arse and parent your child.

NotMyPenguin · 10/08/2017 14:04

I think it's really nice when parents make an effort when reading books to their kids. I like the silly voices, I like the noises, and I think it's great that they're able to get into it and that they care about reading with their children.

I'd be too shy to do it, especially having read this thread and developed a new-found fear of being seen as a performance parent...

StealthPolarBear · 10/08/2017 14:05

Yes penguin. Especially when posters seem to think it's a proportionate reaction to scream in your eat and throw their drink at you.

Hissy · 10/08/2017 14:05

OK, he doesn't pick up cars anymore Grin

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 10/08/2017 14:05

What does she want.
An I read to my child knighthood.

mrsrhodgilbert · 10/08/2017 14:05

neutrogena Most cafes do not have a play area, not ones I've been to anyway.
My daughter is a waitress during university holidays and she and the rest of the staff live in fear of being knocked off their feet by children charging around. She carries trays of hot food and drink or full cups stacked up her arms. She can't see the floor often.she could very easily fall over a small child charging around. It is dangerous and it probably wouldn't be your child that got hurt. How can you not see this?
My friend runs a small cafe and she hates small children racing around but is too frightened of bad reviews that she won't speak up unless she is absolutely at the end of her tether.

Neutrogena · 10/08/2017 14:07

I performance parent for my kids. Not for the general public.
I call it 'parenting' .

A massive problem with us Brits is that we're too stiff, too socially embarrassed. That's why children get a much warmer welcome in the Mediterranean counties. They are not as uptight and bound by imaginary Victorian conventions about behavior.
One should see the joy in a child playing, not see the misery.
It's a choice whether to celebrate life, and I choose to celebrate. Not everyone does.

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 14:07

If ANYONE thinks its arisk worth takingto allow Mummy's Little Snowflake to run about in a cafe, near hot and scalding food/drinks, give yourself an almighty kick up the arse and parent your child
This. This. This.

NotMyPenguin - Nobody has an issue with reading books to children. It's lovely. A friend of mine reads books with lovely expression and I find myself smiling along when we do coffee.

The crucial thing is the volume and manner. My friend does it no louder than a normal, reasonable conversation for a coffee shop. Unless you were at a table with her you'd not really notice.

The performance parents do everything in a loud 'look at me' fashion / show zero consideration for others because they think their kids are the centre of the whole universe.

Hissy · 10/08/2017 14:10

I do silly voices when I read to DS, he loves it and joins in. we do this AT HOME.

nobody else wants to hear me read to my child.

onemorecakeplease Ah those poor kids! I see this a bit when I take DS out, the flaming climbing frames are full of parents 'Jacinta, reach for my hand, help your brother Tarquin abseil down the other side"

Kids need to be kids, they need to play, invent and learn without being directed all the time.

Performance parenting is so sad. The only time I do anything like it is when DS is barged out of the way by an adult at a supermarket, or pushed in front of etc

'Yes darling, he/she WAS forgetting their manners, not everyone knows how to be polite I am afraid!"

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 14:12

'Yes darling, he/she WAS forgetting their manners, not everyone knows how to be polite I am afraid!
That's totally ok though.

If I'm out and someone does that I feel so tempted to say "excuse me. Of course I'll move out your way". But I'm not brave enough.

SelmaAndJubjub · 10/08/2017 14:13

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Hissy · 10/08/2017 14:14

That's why children get a much warmer welcome in the Mediterranean countries.

Funny enough... MOST kids in Mediterranean countries know how to behave... and if they were to step out of line, someone - not necessarily their parent would say something and it would be OK to do so.

I am willing to bet that you wouldn't take kindly to MiniNeutrogena being asked NOT to jump up and down on the cafe's sofas, or to kindly stop pouring all the sugar into a volcano shape...

SelmaAndJubjub · 10/08/2017 14:14

A massive problem with us Brits is that we're too stiff, too socially embarrassed. That's why children get a much warmer welcome in the Mediterranean counties

I invite you to try reading a book loudly in a restaurant in France.

StealthPolarBear · 10/08/2017 14:15

Selma - uncalled for. Has everyone on MN lost the ability to be civilised?

Hissy · 10/08/2017 14:15

If I'm out and someone does that I feel so tempted to say "excuse me. Of course I'll move out your way". But I'm not brave enough.

Do it. BE BRAVE! People DO need to be told.

Passive Aggression is so underrated Grin

Hissy · 10/08/2017 14:18

A massive problem with us Brits is that we're too stiff, too socially embarrassed. That's why children get a much warmer welcome in the Mediterranean counties

I invite you to try reading a book loudly in a restaurant in France.

Or Germany, Or Portugal, or Switzerland, or Brazil. it's BAD MANNERS!!

People in Egypt would stare at you. But then again, they do that anyway, and take photos, and follow you, but that's cos it's a weird place to live...

Dustbunny1900 · 10/08/2017 14:18

I'd be way too mortified to red in a loud silly voice and draw attention. In fact when I'm in public ( with or without my boys) I do everything I can NOT to attract anyone attention. I can't imagine WANTING all eyes on you ugh

Spikeyball · 10/08/2017 14:20

Selma, your 'derailments' are other people's normal.

sikedon · 10/08/2017 14:20

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TeamCersei · 10/08/2017 14:20

One should see the joy in a child playing

I see the joy in a child playing. Nothing better than seeing a child playing. In the garden, in the park, in the beach.

In a cafe? With hot food and drinks and people trying to enjoy a bit of relaxation? No.

bigbluebus · 10/08/2017 14:20

A massive problem with us Brits is that we're too stiff, too socially embarrassed. That's why children get a much warmer welcome in the Mediterranean counties. They are not as uptight and bound by imaginary Victorian conventions about behavior.

I have visited a number of Mediterranean countries and agree that children are far more welcome in restaurants etc there BUT they are well behaved and join in the family gathering/event. I have yet to see a badly behaved child in a restaurant in a Mediterranean country even later on at night - but then I don't make a habit of going on holiday to areas frequented by the British masses.

In fact the last time I did venture to a popular (with Brits) resort was when my DS was about 7 and we went with friends who had 4 children aged 7, 5, 3, 3. We went for a meal in a restaurant where we all sat at one table and the children chatted amongst themselves whilst staying sitting at the table. We were astounded when an older couple who were leaving the restaurant came up to us and commented on our "well behaved children". Goodness knows what they'd been subjected to elsewhere - our group were just doing what children should be doing in that environment - chatting and eating!

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 10/08/2017 14:22

Ugh. I have noticed a rise in ''performance parenting' one way conversations with babies clearly designed to attract attention/impress those nearby. It fails.