About this mum in the coffee shop

[Sallygoroundthemoon]

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

Yes, that's what I thought- imagine she might have been embarrassed that she had scolded her own child.

The same goes for how you can possibly know that all loud parenting is performance parenting? You don't.

I don't really care if it is performance parenting or no. Quiet performance parenting bothers me not a jot. Just keep the volume down when in an enclosed place.

Of course! Just that much of this thread seems to be deriding anyone who dares do anything interactive (and - dare I say it - educational) with their child in public in case someone else is offended by it

Thats not really true. We can all interact with out kids without channeling Brian Blessed and squealing at the top of our lungs at them. Normal conversation, normal reading would just be absorbed into the general hubub of a cafe, performance parenting goes way about the normal levels soley because the parent is showing off how great entitled they are and disregarding everyone else in the place.

The point is they're not seeking validation or even attention, they're getting on with their day and it's your insecurities leading you to believe that somehow a parent needs validation at all.

This. It think insecurity is a lot more common than performance parenting.

Why are you assuming everyone is as socially sophisticated as you. My Dad was a loud parent, it very clever and is equally a loud grandparent. We deliberately meet him with the DC at the London museums as we know they'll learn more from visiting with him than just us. Equally, I have a DC with a name that when used in this context and a loud Grandad speaking in this way, 'Did you know [insert child's name]' that would probably make someone of you look. I'm sure it sounds a bit pompous but he is completely oblivious.

He really is not a 'performance parent'.

I'm similar and always have been, I'm quite theatrical but don't always realise I look like an idiot.

hiphopcat seems that I hit a nerve there.

You should have heard all the praise I heaped on my DC when he managed to say "tree" aged 3, or when he pronounced his first F (now there's a useful sound). No doubt a "normal" parent would have found me OTT. You would have probably been sick. Shame you weren't there to put me in my place!

I was in the supermarket once and a toddler was looking at some plastic dinosaurs. He said "ooh, a tyrannosaurus!" And his dad replied
"I think you'll find that is an allosaurus actually" in a performance parenting condescending voice.

He just came across as such a wanker.

I love performance parenting, it is so entertaining!

I don't performance parent. I do however have to talk quite loudly to DD as she tends to retreat into her head when RL gets too boring. She's nearly 10.

Witnessed the ultimate MN annoying combo in a cafe last week. A mum performance parenting so loudly I could hear every word from across a very large, busy room. Whilst putting on an iPad & Peppa Pig (with no headphones, volume blaring) and commentating over it loudly whilst regularly looking up at the room for approval.

I agree with the OP who have said you just know when it's performance parenting. I love the sound of children and families enjoying themselves but knowing you're being given a show entirely for the benefit of the room and not the kids, it's extremely tedious!

willow2017

But most of the PP examples being given on this thread aren't about people bellowing or screaming or being particularly loud. The man in the supermarket wasn't shouting shopping list items at his child, just engaging them in an activity to keep them occupied and involved. Bloody good for him I reckon.

On another thread these types of activity would be suggested as a way to keep kids under control when out and about. Bloody contrary mumsnetters.

What I love is how there seem to be a number of identifying features of potential performance parents / inconsiderate people:

1. "You can't win. Give them tablets and people judge but if you read with them people judge."
2. "British people just clearly hate children" /"on the continent they're so much nicer and inclusive of children"
3. "If you don't want to deal with noise/children then don't go to a coffee shop, stay at home"
4. "Kids will be kids. So it's fine to run around like it's a play area."
5. "I'd be more than happy for somebody to tell me if my children were being annoying".
6. "People on this thread are being cruel and nasty about anyone who even dares to interact with their child"
7. "Yes... well... well some adults can be loud and inconsiderate when they make loud phone calls" (aye, and we think they're rude too)
8. "Some of us just happen to be very loud or have voices that carry"
9. "Who are you to tell me how I should interact with my child? I don't give a damn what you think."

Yet the reasonable view held by most on this thread is: do what you like as long as it's appropriate for the context and is considerate of others.

Never heard of performance parenting before. Hilarious! I'm going to look out for it.

Does a mother reading the same story over and over again loudly, in the seat next to me on a plane count? Because that was just fucking annoying.

Goldenbear, to me your dad sounds like a person who actually get a good impression by other people. Yes, I have came across some very knowledgeable people at places and totally appreciate their input. (They often welcome strangers to listen to you too.)
He doesn't sound like one of performing parents at all.
You can see the clear difference by looking at the children.

You can see the clear difference by looking at the children
And the parent's mannerisms.

I was out for a walk the other day and there was a parent pointing out birds and wildlife to their child. It was adorable. The kids were engaged, all having fun.
And crucially the parent was just parenting rather than being a cross between Brian blessed and David Attenborough

I never heard of such a thing as performance parenting before I joined mumsnet, I find it a very silly term indeed. There are people who speak too loudly, whether someone on the phone shouting 'I'm on the train', businessmen thinking they're so important as they shout instructions down the phone to their secretary, and there's a mum entertaining their DC singing 'Baa baa black sheep' at the top of their voice.

I think they're so wrapped up in their world that they don't realise they're being annoying.

Sparkle
Witnessed the ultimate MN annoying combo in a cafe last week. A mum performance parenting so loudly I could hear every word from across a very large, busy room. Whilst putting on an iPad & Peppa Pig (with no headphones, volume blaring) and commentating over it loudly whilst regularly looking up at the room for approval

I agree with the OP who have said you just know when it's performance parenting. I love the sound of children and families enjoying themselves but knowing you're being given a show entirely for the benefit of the room and not the kids, it's extremely tedious!

This is the kind of thing people are talking about, not normal interactions with kids. Nobody minds people talking to their kids or showing them stuff or encourging them to learn its just you dont need to do it so loud the whole world can hear you while you look around to see if the rest of us can see how wonderful you are.

My local coffee shop is kid friendly and dog friendly, I have never noticed any excess noise made by parents talking to their kids. (In other cafes yes I have) I know that our baristas would probably say something just as they do when someones dog is starting to bark at another dog in the cafe, they are politely asked to either stop it or leave. Its just polite to respect other people dont want to listen to you or your kids (or your dog) over the top of the normal noise when they are out for a nice relaxing coffee/get together with friends.

Yes, they're engaged and there's sometimes a curiosity from others when he is speaking but he's always been like this much to the embarrassment of my brother when we were younger who didn't think it was cool to look educated. Now, he's always enlisting him for museum visits with his own children as like me he knows that they'll get more out of it with Grandad present.

mittens And those people who sit on the train having loud phone calls show no consideration for other people (and most likely think they're the next big thing in business because they're getting a train somewhere and can talk about mundane shite like 'Yes you tell mark to send me those accounts and I'LL decide what we do from there. Yes and when you do that remember that I need x y z doing because I want everyone to hear how fucking awesome I am') are putting on an inconsiderate performance.

Marking my place because the first few pages are hilarious (if not aggravating). I have never seen this before (or at least, not noticed). I think I would burst out laughing!!

willow2017

Yeah, I get that totally - and I if that's what the OP was talking about then yes, it's insanely annoying. But lots of other people seems to have taken the concept of perfomance parenting and started complaining about people just doing normal kid things.

maisypops

Very accusatory of you! My kids are not allowed to run around / do what they want / make a racket when we're out and about. If I am in public with them then I expect them to act accordingly. If they don't or can't, then we'll leave. I don't care what people think about me and how I deal with my kids in the slightest, although I'm pretty sure that makes me less likely to performance parent! ;)

@Willow

This is the kind of thing people are talking about, not normal interactions with kids. Nobody minds people talking to their kids or showing them stuff or encourging them to learn its just you dont need to do it so loud the whole world can hear you while you look around to see if the rest of us can see how wonderful you are

Say if they were doing it loudly (for the benefit of their children) but not caring what other people thought of them? What's that called?

Say if someone disciplines their child for misbehaving and raises their voice to do so - that's performance parenting right?

Sparkle
When you go through the thread the things I've said seem to be indicators of performance parenting do seem to stack up.

I do generally find that people who are quietly confident in their parenting or themselves manage to go about life just fine. There are undoubtedly many people on this thread who know they are considerate and know that their children behave appropriately. They're also the ones who are less likely to go around saying "I don't give a damn what you think about me and how I do things!"

People on this thread declaring "you can think what you like about me. If my kids want to run around then they can and I don't care if you want to sit and judge me" have get really been the ones who've had other posters tell them they've been unreasonable.