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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About this mum in the coffee shop

826 replies

Sallygoroundthemoon · 10/08/2017 11:54

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

OP posts:

hiphopcat · 11/08/2017 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lweji · 11/08/2017 11:38

Some people are just loud.

The other day I had someone on the phone loudly discussing some local electoral procedures they were dealing with. Not the sort, I thought, that the public should hear, really. It involved candidate lists.

And not something I'd think anyone would want to brag about.

But there she was, shouting about it on the phone.

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 11/08/2017 11:40

I'm now just picturing Mr Noisy from the Mr Men books. Bless him.

InFairness · 11/08/2017 11:44

I imagine that this 'Performance Parenting' is far less common than a lot of people think it is.

I agree. People often assume things are about them when they're really not..

AWendyAteMyFitbit · 11/08/2017 11:44

@Lois 😂

sparklewater · 11/08/2017 11:47

infairness "People often assume things are about them when they're really not.."

EXACTLY this.

hiphopcat · 11/08/2017 11:48

@Neutrogena
Let's all live and let live

No, let's be more considerate and thoughtful around other people, and let's not be loud, arrogant twats who think the world gives a fuck about them and their badly disciplined 'spirited' children.

@nina2b

No. Let's not. (live and let live!) where paying customers are trying to relax.

The loud "parenting" brigade should frequent the sort of cafe where pushchairs cluttter the entrance and where babyccinos are the norm. Then we know to avoid it.

THIS ^ Maybe some place can be opened for these ghastly entitled parents to brag about their 'little angels,' and do their naff 'performance parenting' as loud as they like, in the company of each other. They will probably all end up imploding actually, and causing an earth tremor with their loudness, as they try to out-do each other! PMSL!

I do agree though, that 'performance parenting' doesn't seem to be that common. I mean, for every parent I see like this, I see 3 dozen that aren't like this. But the ones who are like this are fucking annoying!

Willow2017 · 11/08/2017 11:53

Being unecessary loud while doing anything is a P.I.A for the rest of us whether you are a mum or a businessman/woman. Discussing something so loudly that the whole shop/cafe/train can hear is selfish. What makes a person think that the whole world cares what you are doing/saying or how amazing you are at your job/parenting.

Give it a rest and talk normally, we really dont give two hoots how intelligent little Fred is or how much of an arse your boss is. Seriously we dont.

Marinade · 11/08/2017 11:55

@ Neutrogena

I don't think I have misinterpreted your comments or taken anything out of context.

Let's all live and let live - is this just a way of saying 'sod the rest of you, I will let my children do whatever I want'?

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 11:56

We don't tend to notice people doing things with their kids at a normal volume.

MaisyPops · 11/08/2017 12:22

if I'm reading to my kids in public I couldn't care less if I can be overheard by other people.
If it's the people on the table next to you and you're at a perfectly reasonable coffee shop volume then that's absolutely fine. Nobody is saying don't read to your kids.

If you are reading loudly then you are being rude and entitled and it will piss people off.
Other people's conversations / phone calls etc can be equally 'intrusive' and annoying if they are being noisy and you are looking for somewhere to be quiet.
Absolutely. Just like performance parents, they are inconsiderate and self-centred. The existence of other self-centred and rude people doesn't make it being excessively loud in public places acceptable, though it has been trotted out as an excuse already on this thread.
Don't be in public if that's the sort of mood you're in!
Yes, that's it. Don't tell the arseholes to be considerate, tell everyone else they should stay out of the way unless they are happy to have their coffee break ruined by obnoxious idiots.
It's link saying "if you think 'HELLO I'M ON THE TRAIN' calls are rude and unnecessary then the solution is not to use the train" or as other posters have said 'if you don't like children charging up and down a cafe then stay at home or go to a library'.

The majority of polite people shouldn't have to change their lives to accommodate people who are rude and entitled.

Neutrogena · 11/08/2017 12:29

@ilovesushi

I remember going shopping with my two in local Tesco metro and there was a school dad there very loudly and overtly getting his kids (same age as mine) to read out the shopping lists they had written for him. Made me feel shite because mine couldn't read or write at all and it would never have popped into my head to get a 3 year old and 5 year old to write the grocery list for me. Felt like a crap mum but then quickly got over it, when I realised it was all a performance to show the rest of the store what a wonderfully educationally advanced family they were. Have no issue with them doing the list per se, but it was the broadcasting of their brilliance that got me.

How do you know it was performance parenting?
Do you think it could be insecurity about your parenting makes you think it was performance parenting to ease the burden/guilt?
If it made you feel sh1te so quickly then then it seems your belief in yourself as a good parent is low.
I bet you're a great parent, but maybe you're not secure in that.
I know a lot of people in my NCT group have doubts all the time that they are doing a good job (which they all are)

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 12:32

Maisy, in our library children regularly run and scream. I don't go there often and thank god there's a fantastic rock pub across the road which is infinitely more relaxing to sit and read in.

Goldenbear · 11/08/2017 12:34

I do think some people have a problem with this type of parent because it makes them feel a bit inadequate as a parent- so it's more about their insecurities. I don't think it's good to model such disdain towards others and I want my children to think it's good to learn, ask questions be enquiring etc. So I wouldn't put parents down or look at them oddly if I saw this. A previous poster alluded to that with the Dad and the Tesco shopping list. Personally, I wouldn't bat an eyelid at this as a majority of parents in my local supermarket get their children to help in this way. Equally, I would think that it was maybe helping a child who is struggling with reading and writing as my DD'S teacher has made similar suggestions. When she didn't want to attend school in Reception class she gave her a book to draw in and to indicate every day with a smiley face, sad face or cross face as to how she was feeling. She suggested I should encourage her to articulate her emotions and talk about her school day during normal activities like grocery shopping as it wasn't as intense. No doubt if people had heard us then I would've be labelled a pp!

Neutrogena · 11/08/2017 12:35

@marinade

Let's all live and let live - is this just a way of saying 'sod the rest of you, I will let my children do whatever I want'?

Not at all, just that I hope there would be more tolerance for difference in the world than I read on here.
There's a real sense that conventions must be adhered to, and painful self-consciousness among many posts.
I'm not seeing a lot of self-esteem or self-love, and that's sad as we all should be kind to ourselves and others.

CockacidalManiac · 11/08/2017 12:35

I do think some people have a problem with this type of parent because it makes them feel a bit inadequate as a parent- so it's more about their insecurities.

Nah. It's because they're a PITA.

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 12:37

Why should people have to tolerate your children careering around a coffee shop? A coffee shop is not a playground. It is not a park. If your kids want to run about and be noisy then take them somewhere more appropriate or teach them to behave in different environments.

Mittens1969 · 11/08/2017 12:37

It won't be because they're performing to the gallery, they just don't think at all. They're only thinking about getting through the meal without having to deal with a tantrum. If you're upset ask them to quieten down and if they ignore and continue the noise then complain.

But it's not always about you and the others in the cafe. A gentle reminder to be considerate may be all that's needed.

squoosh · 11/08/2017 12:39

I do think some people have a problem with this type of parent because it makes them feel a bit inadequate as a parent- so it's more about their insecurities.

Funny. I think loud parenting as described in the OP often comes from a place of insecurity. Seeking validation from strangers. It's perfectly possible to speak in a moderate tone about a wide range of things with one's child. Why does ratcheting the volume up to 11 make it more impressive to some?

Goldenbear · 11/08/2017 12:44

Well I find it a PITA that I can't be my natural self as a mother which is to engage with my children without getting looked at. I'm visiting my Mum 4 hrs away from where I live and there seems quite a contrast in parental approach. There are quite a few self-conscious parents but at the same time they are very loud about their strictness, I find it all a bit boring!

Neutrogena · 11/08/2017 12:44

I agree that 'Performance Parenting' is a sign of insecurity. Any form of showing off by an adult indicates an insecurity.

However, I think a lot of the time the accuser is somewhat insecure and assigns the 'Performance Parenting' label on what is 'Parenting', to makes themselves feel better.
That story about the supermarket is case in point.

sparklewater · 11/08/2017 12:45

The majority of polite people shouldn't have to change their lives to accommodate people who are rude and entitled.

Of course! Just that much of this thread seems to be deriding anyone who dares do anything interactive (and - dare I say it - educational) with their child in public in case someone else is offended by it.

squoosh · 11/08/2017 12:46

Just that much of this thread seems to be deriding anyone who dares do anything interactive (and - dare I say it - educational) with their child in public in case someone else is offended by it.

Maybe in your head.

Goldenbear · 11/08/2017 12:47

The point is they're not seeking validation or even attention, they're getting on with their day and it's your insecurities leading you to believe that somehow a parent needs validation at all.

YouTheCat · 11/08/2017 12:48

I'm not insecure about my parenting. My kids are 22.

No one has said that people shouldn't interact with their kids. Many people have said don't make your noise and behaviour impact hugely on those around you. I think that is fair.

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