About this mum in the coffee shop

[Sallygoroundthemoon]

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

I imagine that this 'Performance Parenting' is far less common than a lot of people think it is.
I can understand that putting on a performance for your children is misconstrued as one put on for a wider audience, but I don't believe in most cases it is.
I believe that those who make a show for their children are unconcerned about what others think, secure in themselves.

Just because one assumes someone is 'Performance Parenting, doesn't mean they are.

Let's all live and let live.

Why can't people grasp the simple fact that reading or talking to your child in a normal voice isn't the problem.

The problem is what is normal.
I'm naturally low and quiet. Some people are higher and louder.

Oh please. We all know a parenting performance when we see it.

Today 08:26 LouBlue1507

YANBU how dare people parent their children and entertain them. They should just stick them in the corner where they can't be seen or heard or be given an iPad!

You may "parent" your children but do it quietly when you are in a quiet zone where others are having a drink or something to eat. Is it really so difficult to get your head around that?

By the by, the word parent is not a proper verb and hearing people use it as a verb is deeply irritating.

Being confident in parenting doesn't mean you have to ruin everyone else's day by your shouting and 'look at me' performance. There is a difference between interacting with your kids and ensuring the whole world knows what you are doing. It's really not a difficult concept.

live and let live
From someone who thinks it's other people's job to parent her kids in a cafe? What about letting other people live without your feral kids annoying them or putting them in danger? Works both ways, a concept you can't seem to grasp.

Let's all live and let live.

No. Let's not. Let's not be accommodating in an area where paying customers are trying to relax.

The loud "parenting" brigade should frequent the sort of cafe where pushchairs cluttter the entrance and where babyccinos are the norm. Then we know to avoid it.

I actually strongly suspect that the people who do this 'performance parenting' are not doing it for the benefit of the other diners. They're just insensitive and it doesn't occur to them that others would like to have their own conversations.

The loud nursery rhymes would annoy me particularly. I had to sing them over and over again for my DDs until I was sick of them. I wouldn't want to be forced to listen to them in a tea room, thanks.

I know a cafe within a small shop. It is down a steep, spiral staircase and there is no space in the shop to leave a small buggy, let alone one of these behemoth prams. It is quiet. There are no small children being loudly performed at.

There are hardly any places left these days that aren't totally geared towards children. My kids are grown up. I work with children through the week (and yes, I do actually like children) but during my down time I don't want to be listening to the shrieking and inane kiddy stuff. I've done my time. I tried to be respectful of others.

Oh no! IVe just seen this post (sorry haven't read whole thread as 18 pages now, but have read a bit).

I think this is me! ... well not literally! But it could be me! I often read to my kids, do silly songs, etc.... I try and be mindful of others as much as I can, and would not ever intentionally disturb anyone. If I thought I was annoying others, I'd shut up for sure! But sometimes I guess I assume others are chatting to the their for friends or reading the paper and not interested in me and my kids, so assume it's safe to read to my children, sing, make silly voices etc!! Never thought this might be seen as 'performing parenting' (never even heard that expression!) sometimes we just forget and lose ourselves in the moment with our kids! I love my kids and am probably guilty of being in the moment a lot with them, having fun!

Please don't assume that when someone is having fun with their kids it's performance parenting! If it annoys you, go over and ask them politely to keep the noise down a little! If they r having fun they may just have got carried away and not realised they were getting a bit loud and negatively impacting others such as you OP

Don't see this is as performance parenting at all. I see this as a mum reading to her child. If she is doing it over the top and loudly in a public place then yes, this is a bit unreasonable. But there are more things in life to worry about than this. Why do you have a right to sit quietly and read your emails than she has to enjoy a few stories in a different environment with her DC?

On balance it sounds like you ABU not the mum.

When I was waiting in the gynae clinic the other day there was an enthusiastic granny doing the same sort of thing to her grandsons. After a while of speaking about everyone in third person she then proclaimed 'oooooo DGC shall we sing a song'

A lady piped up......'please don't!'

Who is being disturbed by someone reading their emails in a cafe? If you're doing something so loudly that it disturbs other people then you need to be quieter.

Daffodil/TeamCersei/squoosh & more, have nailed it.

But I also agree there are performance "people" in all walks of life constantly seeking validation from the strangest places, a.k.a dicks.

Buckeejit - a reasonable volume and speaking expressively are not mutually exclusive are they? If so, since when?

I have never met a Tarquin, but I have encountered a, "Jocasta", whose mother could be a contender for the biggest p-parenter I think I've ever come across, but so was her dh! The pair of them together would have you squirming into your seat. He also called her "mummy" loudly and not just to their dcs .

LouBlue - did you even RTFT?

Performance parenting is awful, but this doesn't sound like it was necessarily that.

Heaven forbid people actually interact with their children and enjoy spending time with them. FFS.

FWIW if I'm reading to my kids in public I couldn't care less if I can be overheard by other people. Other people's conversations / phone calls etc can be equally 'intrusive' and annoying if they are being noisy and you are looking for somewhere to be quiet. Don't be in public if that's the sort of mood you're in!

It's not about being overheard though. It's about being so loud and over the top that you disturb other people. There is general noise in everyday life and anyone expecting to have silence would be totally unreasonable.

The usual hubbub or everyday life is pretty easy to ignore and filter out. It's much more difficult to filter out a PP because they want everyone to hear and applaud .

But sparkle, the op could hear her from the other side of the shop. In what world is that not ott, distracting and disdainful of what anyone else may be doing or trying to do. It could equally be a businessman taking a very loud phone call in a pompous manner knowing all ears are on him. Not that those ears have a choice.

Yy YouTheCat 👏🏻

I have managed to interact with my kids in a variety of places but never so loud that someone can hear me at the other end of a cafe!

It's not difficult, if you can't talk normally to your kid without the squeals and shouts to 'scare' them or acting like a farm of animals while making other people jump or get pissed off at the same thing over and over again them there is something far wrong with your filters.

Everyone expects talking in a cafe just not shouting and squealing from an adult vying for 'parent of the year' award.

LOOK AT YOU ALL CHATTING NICELY GOOD MUMS NETTERS I'M SOOOO PROUD OF YOU ALL

Don't think you said that loud enough Lois .

YOU CAN SPELL ARABICA DARLING CAN'T YOU?

A
R
A

NO DON'T PICK YOUR NOSE

B
I
C
A

NOW YOU TRY DARLING.

Depends how big the shop was Wendy ;)

And I'm not so sure that's true - if I'm in a bad mood then I can hone in on a slightly annoying noise and become obsessive about it. The other side of a normal-sized Starbucks would be nothing!

Agree about pompous businessman though - it's the performance parenting term I object to. Maybe the term should be performance living - annoying other people going about their nice quiet lives is not the sole preserve of parents! Don't we all get fucking judged enough already?

Oh yes loud BUSINESS MAN is also annoying, in fact all loud performance types are. Mind you my dm is a loud one but she's hard of hearing tbf.

BTW, if you happen to be next to me when I explain something scientific, political or historical to DS in as much detail as possible, don't be fooled in thinking that is not performance parenting. That is my normal parenting, poor child.

I remember going shopping with my two in local Tesco metro and there was a school dad there very loudly and overtly getting his kids (same age as mine) to read out the shopping lists they had written for him. Made me feel shite because mine couldn't read or write at all and it would never have popped into my head to get a 3 year old and 5 year old to write the grocery list for me. Felt like a crap mum but then quickly got over it, when I realised it was all a performance to show the rest of the store what a wonderfully educationally advanced family they were. Have no issue with them doing the list per se, but it was the broadcasting of their brilliance that got me.

Maybe we are all jealous? I've not much to brag loudly about I can't imagine me roaring on the train I MADE 90 POUNDS THIS WEEK AND MY DS EMPTIED THE BINS WITHOUT BEING ASKED