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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this mum in the coffee shop

826 replies

Sallygoroundthemoon · 10/08/2017 11:54

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

OP posts:
daffodil10 · 10/08/2017 22:24

Ohtoblazes. And another one who's missing the point it's about saying things to your child for the benefit of others. to vocalise the wonderful things you do with them to show what a fantastic parent you are - places you've been, languages, holidays etc etc. It's not about the volume it's about saying stuff so others think wow what an amazing parent

TeamCersei · 10/08/2017 22:30

Off topic slightly,
Do people actually call their children Tarquin?
Has anybody actually come across a child called 'Tarquin' in RL?

Yep I met an absolutely tiny baby called Tarquin at a picnic meet up. He'd be about 6 now.

That's made me happy.
It would make me really happy if I were to observe a parent Performance Parenting and the child was actually called Tarquin

What are the chances of that?

buckeejit · 10/08/2017 22:32

Good grief, I'm pretty sure people think I performance parent on the rare occasion I'm at a cafe, (I'm really not, just speaking loudly & clearly enough for ds to hear) & its interspersed with ignoring & iPad but I think it's sad to hear people talking or especially reading to a child in a monotone. Find a coffee shop with an upstairs that children are less likely to be in or wear headphones.

I do understand that some people do it for attention but that doesn't mean everyone is doing it for attention!

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 10/08/2017 22:34

daffodil the point is that many of the elements to determine who is a hateful performance parent are subjective - what is loud, what is appropriate, what comes across as boastful or snobbish or ridiculous.

Someone hearing me praising my child for using a full sentence that I could understand first time could think that I'm a show off and want the whole room to know how advanced little Tarquin's speech is. We are also a bilingual family so I suppose we should never leave the house in case we upset someone.

TeamCersei · 10/08/2017 22:34

I sell, among other things, childrens (new) books. You wouldn't believe the amount of mothers who treat it as a fucking library. The worst ones are the ones who stand in front of the box of books (no one else can get to it/see it) and proceed to read theatrically out loud a whole book. I think this is the worst kind, and i have to sit there fucking listening to it. Then they dump the book back in the box having had no intention of buying it. The books usually get put back in the box with bent corners so it no longer looks new which is another story....

They don't care that their children have more or less damaged the books and they can't be sold.

TeamCersei · 10/08/2017 22:41

Just be natural with your children ffs.
That's all there is to it.

There is no need for the projected tone of voice.
The falseness of tone
The loudness
The Looking around to see whether people notice what a good job you are doing.
The fake smiles.

Just Be Yourself.
Children can tell when you're being false.
Your child will appreciate it if you're natural with them, far more than the trying too hard shite.

Cinderllaspinkdresswasthebest · 10/08/2017 23:32

I'd like to apologise - I feel Neutrogena could be my cousin so guilty by being related Sad

Evidence so far:

  1. Can't grasp the basic concept that there are some places that it's not appropriate for her kiddiewinks to 'have a bit of a run round'.
  1. Happy for others to tell her children off - means she can carry on telling like minded friends what a 'cool and right on' parent she is while her offspring carry on being 'spirited children'.
  1. Writes a blog about how everyone is so 'angst' and what a 'relaxed' parent she is (I've heard you screeching like a banshee at the little darlings aka cousin!) Grin
  1. Erase all the above - I think it's the breast feeding mother until 34 on this morning whose kid weed on the carpet Shock
minimonkey11 · 10/08/2017 23:44

I'm taking my kids on holiday tomorrow. I shall PP to the max on the plane now :)

00100001 · 11/08/2017 00:40

Use popping on here to say

THIS THREAD IS AMAZING.

Full house on MN Bingo

Funny and witty posts and observations ✔️
People wilfully misinterprting the OP ✔️
...and MNers calling them up in it ✔️
That one poster who is a continuing dick ✔️
A nonsense post that makes no sense ✔️
Deleted comments ✔️
Tales similar to OP ✔️
Someone calling disablism ✔️
PPs suggesting ridiculous solutions ✔️
... And other PPs thinking they're condoning real life violence ✔️
Haven't RTFT ✔️

SleepingStandingUp · 11/08/2017 01:09

I'm guilty of this with food but only because I'm so paranoid about them judging. I shouldn't care, I know, but I hate the looks.

Ooh you want a packet of crisps at 9.30 am at the train station? Well that ok isn't it because you're a very clever boy who asked for them and you're going to be so clever and eat them aren't you even though you have your food through your tube so you're so awesome that you're going to eat the crisps like a big clever boy even though you are still learning how to eat food into your mouth and you really dont eat any foods at all so you're so wonderful for asking for yummy food etc....

Toddler meanwhile just wants crisps and doesn't care whether people judge. He also then proceeds to scuff lots and make it look very much like I starve him and definately don't pump milk into his tummy

cambodianfoxhound · 11/08/2017 02:42

Its not so much annoying as cringe worthy. I find myself feeling so embarrassed for them. I totally agree, though it is not just people being loud its the performance aspect to it. Its not just parents either, I find sometimes in the office people will be doing performance phone calls and you can tell its not just for the benefit of the person they are talking to - they are putting on a performance for everyone in ear shot. Just total cringe.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 07:40

Hahaha another one here that repeats things in a Clear Teachery Voice for the benefit of a DC with speech delay.

Since when do teachers shriek?

MaisyPops · 11/08/2017 07:48

AwaywiththePixies27
What people forget is that most of us manage to teach 5 hours a day using a lower volume than some theatrical performance parents... and somehow the children still learn.

Clarity and volume are different things.

If we taught using some of the vocals from performance parents we'd have a sore throat and no voice by Christmas.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 07:56

However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly?*

Just leaving half the OP here for those thinking they're just being a miserable knob. They said in their OP. They've got no problem with it. They've got problems with it being done that loud you can hear it the other end of the shop.

I'm partially deaf. I sometimes shout without realising. But then my family and friends are balshy enough to tell me when I'm unintentionally yelling a bit loud.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 11/08/2017 07:59

MaisyPops DD had the most amazing teacher last year. Always the picture of serenity. One of the boys in the class was messing about once (they were going to line up as parents were coming in to do pickup) and she turned to him, told him off without even raising her voice one decibel. By the time she'd finished I almost felt like I should apologise too! Grin

user789653241 · 11/08/2017 08:23

I see lots of over performing parents at the library reading to their kids. It makes me smile to see very engaged children listening to mum with excited face, totally into the story. Sometimes my ds would stop and secretly join in to. We have choice to leave if we found it too noisy.
It's a totally different situation on the train/bus, when the child is more interested in watching outside, very quietly, and parents trying to force them to listen to them read, and there's no escape for us.Same when we just sat down at cafe and ordered some drinks.

LouBlue1507 · 11/08/2017 08:26

YANBU how dare people parent their children and entertain them. They should just stick them in the corner where they can't be seen or heard or be given an iPad!

squoosh · 11/08/2017 08:31

YANBU how dare people parent their children and entertain them. They should just stick them in the corner where they can't be seen or heard or be given an iPad!

Oh dear. Yet another unimaginative soul who is unable to grasp the idea of a middle ground between ignoring a child and interacting with a child in an unnecessarily loud way in an enclosed public space.

PandorasXbox · 11/08/2017 08:49

Nothing wrong with interacting with your dc just don't be a big gob about it. Nobody else cares or wants to hear it.

Neutrogena · 11/08/2017 08:56

Totally agree there is no need to perform to a wider audience to impress them. That's sad.
However, if putting on a funny voice will enrich the experience for my children, despite me looking a bit of a tit, that's what I will do.
Shouting/bellowing/screaming are unnecessary IMO.

MaisyPops · 11/08/2017 09:09

YANBU how dare people parent their children and entertain them. They should just stick them in the corner where they can't be seen or heard or be given an iPad!

Misses point entirely Grin
2 types of people:

  • people who understand there is a difference between reasonable parenting and performance parenting
  • people who performance parent
Willow2017 · 11/08/2017 09:15

Why can't people grasp the simple fact that reading or talking to your child in a normal voice isn't the problem. The problem is doing it at the top of your voice and the whole looking around to make sure everyone else in the cafe or train can see what s 'great' parent you are. It's pretty pathetic tbh. I don't want to hear your royal shakespear performance thanks. Normal talking noise in a coffee shop is fine but yelling and making people jump with your shrieks isn't.

cambodianfoxhound · 11/08/2017 09:18

i think a good rule of thumb here is that if you are worried about doing it or worried that other people think you are doing it, you are probably not doing it. They type that does this, really don't give a shit what other people think as has been evidenced by a number of people on this thread.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 11/08/2017 09:48

People try too hard at parenting partly because they have bought into the idea that life is a competition where we all have to win at the Game.

So we have been conditioned to believe that children have to succeed i.e. pass exams to get high paying jobs to buy lots of heavily advertised crap to make the economy work in favour of the top few per cent.

We are constantly told subliminally by advertising that we are not good enough unless we live up to the perfect lifestyle. All this is amplified by the new norm of broadcasting the state of your life, heavily edited on social media.

So some parents end up in a screwed up world where it is a race against time from before their conception to optimise the child's development. Performance parenting is just a result of the weird values we have created in modern society. The have to be seen to be doing it right.

It's sad really the pressure we put on parents. Parenting was not a verb until recently, people just had children and believed that bringing them up was a natural thing which all mammals have evolved to do well.