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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About this mum in the coffee shop

826 replies

Sallygoroundthemoon · 10/08/2017 11:54

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 10/08/2017 19:52

@YouTheCat

I qas answering the question if its okbthat other people tell my kids off. Please read my other posts.

silkpyjamasallday · 10/08/2017 19:53

Well of course there is a middle ground, but that is never what comes up on threads here is it? Just the unrestrained vitriol of the echo chamber. It is very subjective as to what is 'performance parenting' and as to what is too loud, I think often because parents talk in a different tone of voice and emphasise the correct pronunciation of words it is picked up over and above other conversations at a similar volume because the flow of words is different, the sounds that most people drop like T or H are consciously included when speaking to children.

And to be honest I would much prefer to hear a parent engaging with their child however loudly and obnoxiously than hearing/seeing them being ignored or placated with tech by the parents.

squoosh · 10/08/2017 19:56

Again, the middle ground thing. I'd much rather a parent engaged with their child in an unobnoxious manner and using a moderate tone. As most manage to do.

YouTheCat · 10/08/2017 19:59

I have read your other posts. I'm just saying it is impossible to know whether a parent will welcome a stranger's input or become aggressive and defensive. That is why people don't tell off other people's children, generally.

I agree with squoosh.

Disastronaut · 10/08/2017 20:02

I think you'd all think me a performance parent. I talk to my kid all the time about the minutiae of our day. Maybe she's bored shitless, I don't know. I think I probably do it at slightly elevated volume too (I'm a bit deaf).

So, when you're busy judging me, consider that I might be thinking "God, am I being too loud? Is everyone looking at me? Am I making a holy show of myself?"

It's not necessarily that I'm a total dick.

Marinade · 10/08/2017 20:12

@Neutrogena - I find your attitude honestly baffling. Children dont annoy you so you therefore assume it to be your entitlement to knowingly let them annoy other people with scant regard to their choices, preferences and expectations? However, if you find yourself in a situation where someone is annoying you - think loud music blaring from headphones causing a nuisance - do you also think that is ok as reflecting that person's choice, or do you think - 'have a bit of consideration for the rest of us, turn the thing down?'

Do you realise that if everyone thought like you the world would indeed be full of inconsiderate individuals causing stress and annoyance to others? And rather than choosing to modify your children's behaviour when they could be construed as annoying or noisy, you believe that it is up to others to do the chastising because your children could do with learning boundaries from others as well as yourself? Just unbelievable.

ohhereweareagain · 10/08/2017 20:14

fmpov it isn't the volume that i have a problem with but the WAY the words are spoken. You can tell when it is done for effect the same way you can tell some people are just very effected in their behaviour (everything they say or do is done with the view that they want others to notice them and think how wonderful they are/how superior they are to us mere average mortals)

MrsGotobed · 10/08/2017 20:25

LMAO at squoosh referring to parents conversing with their children in the style of Brian Blessed Grin

RockyBird · 10/08/2017 20:32

Neutrogena

I completely ignore her. I wasn't attacking her, only adding my observations to the thread. I quite admire her gym bod actually.

KERALA1 · 10/08/2017 20:42

My friend used to performance parent when our kids were toddlers. In French. Which she did not speak. I used to die a little inside whenever she did it.

Goldenbear · 10/08/2017 20:55

Yabu to expect everyone to behave as you would. Some people are naturally louder than others, more animated than others, not as self-conscious as you, not as bothered as you. I haven't read a book in this setting but my 6 year old and 10 year old did ask me to be Brown Owl, Mr Tod and they were a mixture of bunnies and Jemima puddle duck. This was in a huge national trust Park that's open until 7 so when we started the game there wasn't anyone around as I don't want anyone to think I'm performance parenting. However, a family did come in with a preteen and they gave a bit of look but they were completely the other end of a massive playing field. The problem I had in stopping is that my 10 year old even joins in and he's heading in to the preteen strops. They really love it and are really happy and laughing, so I want to relish that, I'm not going to stop because people think I'm PPing- I'm absolutely not. The best times I had with my parents were when they let their guards down- danced with me in public, on holiday etc. Not the stuffy and stiff times. Mind you, my Dad does sound a bit like Brian Blessed and is a bit of a Maverick, so often I think you'll find that the people who do this have been brought up in a similar way.

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 21:02

I reckon you just get Performance People - the same people who are overly loud in engaging with their kids are likely the same people who are overly loud discussing their very important job, or very expensive shoes, or very exotic holidays. I know lots of folk like this, men, women, parents, non parents. I think they are commonly more known as dicks!

Yes! Some people are just selfish and self-absorbed.

Basic manners and courtesy cost nothing.

nomorebabiesyet · 10/08/2017 21:04

Goldenbear that sounds lovely. I played chase with my kids at the park once and got dirty looks! Its a park ffs!

Louiselouie0890 · 10/08/2017 21:05

I've seen threads with people moaning about tablets mo lies etc and now one about reading a book. Seems parents can't win

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 21:16

Louiselouie0890
People can have preferences on entertaining methods. It's reasonable to debate them sensibly.
Most wouldn't be this irritated by someone's choice even if they held strong opinions (e.g I'd rather not see kids glued to tablets when I'm out but as long as they don't have the volume up I couldn't give a shit).

What's got people annoyed is that performance parenting and parents letting their kids be loud and run around affects other people and is rude.

Goldenbear · 10/08/2017 21:25

Nomorebabiesyet, I'm visiting my Mum who lives very near to this NT property so I can make the most of the late night opening without getting frowned at! I've even gone on the swings- again as there was no one around! The problem is I actually enjoy this stuff. I enjoyed the Gruffalo and Room on a Broom song books so much and the making of the Gruffalo on the DVD when I got them for my DD a couple of years back, that it became a family joke about my obsession with Julia Donaldson song books - my DH actually photo shopped a birthday card that had a theme around all this. I'm gutted to see I'm missing out on her songbook session at the Edinburgh Fringe on Sunday and she's signing books I think. My DH sees this as a blessed relief! My point is I was like this as a child and my DC are quite similar, particularly my DD who actually glows doing all that songbook stuff with me. I've never been cool though!

nomorebabiesyet · 10/08/2017 21:27

Carry on and enjoy it golden! My mum never took me to the park or anything like that! Your doing ana amazing job. And they will do the same with theirs. When i get my car i hope to do similar with mine

youarenotkiddingme · 10/08/2017 21:34

There's engaging.

Then there's pretending thinking your on the west end stage instead of in costa!

daffodil10 · 10/08/2017 21:36

Just read the whole thread, I honestly think there are some people who haven't read the original post.

It has nothing to do with the entertaining your children by reading to them or talking to them. It's about those mums who feel the need to treat entertaining their child as a performance for the rest of us. By exclaiming loudly about their recent visit to the Tate or how fantastic their child is at mandarin all
In the vain hope that someone will say "wow what an amazing parent you just be."

If you are one of these mums I feel sorry for you. If your children are beautifully behaved and you are entertaining them quietly, your co-customers will already applaud your parenting without the need for you to put on a show.

Neutrogena · 10/08/2017 21:39

@Marinade

I think you have taken my pists iut of context, but maybe I haven't articulated myself that well.
Either, I don't think it's that unbelievable, just different. No worse, no better.
Time for bed now. I have enjoyed this thread. Thsnks everyone for participating.

MaisyPops · 10/08/2017 21:48

Well said daffodil10
That is exactly what most of us have been saying.

I love what an earlier poster said: There's parenting and then there's showy, inconsiderate performance parenting. If you can't tell the difference, you probably do the latter because anyone who entertains their kids in a considerate manner knows the difference.

hiphopcat · 10/08/2017 22:04

@maisypops

The same people who are overly loud in engaging with their kids are likely the same people who are overly loud discussing their very important job, or very expensive shoes, or very exotic holidays. I know lots of folk like this, men, women, parents, non parents. I think they are commonly more known as dicks!

100% this ^

Also, I am willing to bet that these people also scream and shout loudly when shagging too; just to let people know they're doing it. Grin

Coz it makes you ever so special and clever if you have sex you know. Wink

zeezeek · 10/08/2017 22:06

When I retire I want to open a coffee shop with great coffee, fab cakes and pastries, packed bookshelves and big comfy sofas. More importantly I will not allow anyone under the age of 25 to cross the threshold and absolutely no loud conversations on mobiles or otherwise. To do so will result in a lifetime ban....it'll be bliss WinkGrinGrin

fullofhope03 · 10/08/2017 22:09

@nina2b - Beautifully put Flowers

OhtoblazeswithElvira · 10/08/2017 22:19

Hahaha another one here that repeats things in a Clear Teachery Voice for the benefit of a DC with speech delay. No doubt I have been getting on people's tits Grin there was me thinking that people don't give a fuck about me, just like I don't give a fuck about them Grin

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