About this mum in the coffee shop

[Sallygoroundthemoon]

I am currently in a coffee shop having a nice cup of tea and catching up on my emails. It is fairly buzzing with chat and so on but not the sort of place with thumping music if you see what I mean. All good and to be expected in a coffee shop. However, there is a mum the other side of the shop reading stories to her toddler at the top of her voice, complete with pauses and shouts to make the toddler jump, silly voices and so on.

Now I am all one for reading to little ones and am not adverse to silly voices but AIBU to think that a nice coffee shop is not the place to be doing this so loudly? I've now heard the same story several times and it is driving me up the wall, not to mention being on edge waiting for the dramatic shouts. It just reeks of 'look at me, I'm a parent don't you know and I don't give a shit about anyone else'.

I imagine 'Performance parenting ' is far less prevalent than most posters on here think. I believe that most parents are oblivious to others when with their children.

Who does stuff to belittle other parents? And why?

I was on the bus the other day where two children got on and proceeded to (loudly) serenade the bus with renditions of nursery rhymes. I normally just tolerate things like that because you know, they're just kids but unfortunately my noise sensitivity levels that day were at a low point so I spent most of that journey with my hands over my ears crying to myself to make the noises STOP.

there's a fab new'ish coffee place where i live where people tend to go for a quiet chat or to read (as well as to eat drink obviously...). you do get a lot of mums in there with their kids however mostly it's fine as the children are supervised and don't make so much noise that you can't hear yourself think. that is, apart from two separate women that come in and literally treat the place like a creche/pre-school hall. their kids run around screaming/playing going up to any other child that might be sat at a table in an excitable way screaming; the mother does nothing other than smile. the worst is that they both (they aren't together but both have the same mindset) bring with the child a large toy ie pram or bike and actually encourage the said kid to run up and down playing on the fucking thing . sooner or later i just know i will go up to either one of them and remind them that it is a fucking coffee shop and not a creche and that (most of us if not all) aren't the slightest bit interested or impressed

neutrogena I think most people who do "performance parenting" probably are not doing it to belittle other parents, I think it's a lack of social awareness, they are wrapped up in what they are doing with little thought for anyone who has to listen.

@demirose87

I think most people who do "performance parenting" probably are not doing it to belittle other parents, I think it's a lack of social awareness, they are wrapped up in what they are doing with little thought for anyone who has to listen.

So then it's not 'performance parenting' is it?
It's just parenting....

I await with baited breath then, the thread about me in Morrison's with my DS in a wheelchair and the noise WE were making. I only see him once a week now so I'm all up for making him laugh and enjoy his time with me. Performance parenting indeed. But 2 fingers up to the people who will complain......

@ohhereweareagain

sooner or later i just know i will go up to either one of them and remind them that it is a fucking coffee shop and not a creche and that (most of us if not all) aren't the slightest bit interested or impressed

Why haven't you said something already? They have obviously done it more than once. What are you waiting for?

Neutrogena
Nobody could be that ignorant.

You would really risk disfiguring your child or potentially killing them (burns do not have to be huge on a child to kill them) just because your precious snowflake has the right to 'be a child' and run arround annoying people and getting in the way?

Ok as you were.

Coffee shops are not playgrounds, nor are they your house where you can read as loudly to your kid as you like and everyone else has to 'suck it up' .

People should learn awareness of others around them and read quietly I am sure their kid will thank them for it, they must be embassing for them.

neutro are you the type of parent that allows your child to ie at a vintage market pick up anything they like from a sellers table however delicate it may be or thumb through new childrens books that are for sale even if their fingers may be dirty having just eaten something sticky despite having no intention of buying one? would your children be called ie George or Otto or Clementine? Wouldn't want to interupt their creativity now would we ?

@dollydaydream114
Parents who adopt the loud, teacherish voice at places like zoos, museums, galleries etc also drive me mad. Brilliant that you're taking your kids to these places and that you're helping them learn: this is good. What's not good is that you want the 100 other people in the room, including the adults, to 'learn' from you as well and, ideally, be amazed at how clever you and your precious child are. "Oh LOOK, Hugo! These are paintings by VAN GOGH. Can you say 'Van Gogh'? He was from Holland. We went to Holland, didn't we? And we took you to lots of galleries and museums there because we are such excellent parents and at no point did we take you to soft play because that would be common. Now, WHAT FLOWERS ARE THESE? Yes, they're SUNFLOWERS, are they? Now, let's all sing the song you learnt about sunflowers at Middle-class Mummy & Toddler Club. I'm sure all these other people will join in and do all the actions because of course you do become distressed if everyone in the room doesn't do what you want, don't you darling? Oh, that lady is rolling her eyes at us? I expect she just doesn't understand because she doesn't have any children of her own."

Bah ha ha ha ha ha! That made me giggle uncontrollably!

She's obviously been employed by the coffee shop to deter those guests who are just lingering to use the free wifi.

Crap. I was reading to my toddler in a cafe the other day while waiting for a friend, trying to keep him quiet and entertained. When she arrived he went into the high chair and the toy dinosaurs came out. I don't think I was speaking any louder than I would in a normal conversation. Is this what I looked like?

Have to agree @PoorYorick, NO you don't sound like the woman referred to in the OP.

I think @Neutrogena is pulling our legs! well I sincerely hope so!

And, as has been said, people are fine with children being around, if they are WELL BEHAVED, and not running around like feral animals, because the parents can't control them, or don't want to, because 'it's nice to see kids being kids!'

Sorry but letting your child run ragged around Costa is just the height of twattishness for a multitude of reasons. (Including spoiling the enjoyment of other customers, and health and safety reasons.)

My local Costa has had to put a combination lock on its toilet/restroom because of badly behaved children, with 'entitled' parents letting them piss about in there, flooding the floor, scribbling on the walls with sharpies, and shoving tons of loo roll down the toilet!

And no 'performance parenting' is NOT made up. Only people who are guilty of it are claiming that!!!

@4691IrradiatedHaggis

Red Dwarf?????

Yy RudeDog and others: the key word is "performance"! Genuinely connecting with your child shouldn't need to include vastly elevated volume levels and surreptitious glances around to see who's checking out your wonderful parenting...piss off no one cares. Get your validation elsewhere, gah.

It's not a new thing, have noticed it loads over the years when out with my dcs. We would have mini-picnics in the park etc when they were very young, where I would let them run about and sometimes read to them - at an audible yet expressive level - though they preferred being read to each bedtime tbh but to do any of that in an enclosed public place would make me cringe, smacks of total self-absorption. Hence the I-don't-give-a-shit posts I expect.

I await with baited breath then, the thread about me in Morrison's with my DS in a wheelchair and the noise WE were making. I only see him once a week now so I'm all up for making him laugh and enjoy his time with me
Nobody's saying people can't entertain their children. Nobody is saying people shouldn't laugh with their child. Not sure where all these defensive 'oh so parents can't even read to their children / people will complain if they laugh' responses come from. It's like 'but what about people on their phones? People having a chat in a group?' despite the difference between reasonable noise and shouting children being obvious

If the noise level is reasonable for a cafe or coffee place, nobody minds or cares.

Even if a child is slightly louder than youd expect but the parent is reasonable, most people would think there's a reason and they again, wouldn't care.

What annoys people is performance parenting and people who show zero consideration to others around them.

That is true whether someone is on their own, on the phone, in groups, with children.

Because neutro i am not a confrontational type and save it for what i consider to be more serious shit. It would more than likely upset and or embarrass the women as the coffee shop is pretty small and (usually...) quiet so i let it go but it ruins my 1/2 hour chill out and probably most if not all the other people in there. I am sure the women is a decent/nice women so the softer side of me lets it go but it is fucking annoying. I agree with what loads of other people have said in that reading to your kid in public is FINE BUT not so loud that everyone else in the vicinity can't focus on anything other than what the women is saying. fwiw i am a mum (all be it of a 15 year old) and when we used to go out for coffee i would bring a sticker book that would allow me 20 minutes to sit quietly as i tended to do vocal parenting ie telling dd how to spell etc when we were ie at home or in a playgroup situation....

@ohhereweareagain

neutro are you the type of parent that allows your child to ie at a vintage market pick up anything they like from a sellers table however delicate it may be or thumb through new childrens books that are for sale even if their fingers may be dirty having just eaten something sticky despite having no intention of buying one? would your children be called ie George or Otto or Clementine? Wouldn't want to interupt their creativity now would we ?

Nope, I wouldn't allow that.
My children's names are far more prosaic sadly....

Van Gogh was from North Brabant, not Holland, so the performance mummy in this scenario would be wrong too. Even funnier!

neutro nice one although sadly there are plenty that do (these times do qualify for a verbal response to the parent from my good self.....)

@@ohhereweareagain

Because neutro i am not a confrontational type and save it for what i consider to be more serious shit

You also wrote sooner or later i just know i will go up to either one of them and remind them that it is a fucking coffee shop

I don't understand - would you say something or not?

Let's be clear - if my kids were obviously pissing people off I'd do something. That's not on. But if they charge around a little and shout a bit, that's them being kids.
I get far more comments about "It's lovely seeing your little ones enjoy themselves" than "Please keep it down", so I'm doing something right.

You cannot please everyone all the time.

@CockAcid

I'd ban Neutrogena and her kids from any shop or business of mine.
Why are people getting so huffy about this? What's with all this 'parents just can't do the right thing?' shit? Are they really too dim to see the difference between reading to your children and making a grand performance of it? Really?!

Boo
We'll agree to disagree then.

Let them be kids in a park.

At what point will you teach your children appropriate behaviour in this kind of environment?

I vote you sit cross legged in front of her in rapture of her stories and everytime she finishes a story do the kiddie clap and sing again again. Repeat until she tones it down (or calls the police)

neutro would you include in that the waiting staff who will be thoroughly pissed off with your charging children but won't be allowed to say anything? Who are risking their own safety carrying hot food and drinks whilst dodging your children.

Neutrogena
You're missing the point.

Most people AREN'T going to come up to you and tell you that your kids are annoying the shit out of everyone, nor should they have to.

Most people do the same things in that situation: say nothing, make quiet comments to the people they're with, share a sympathetic look with the cafe staff that says 'we feel your pain'. People will only generally say something if it becomes a serious issue (because people will make judgements about the type of person who let's their kids run wild).

It doesn't mean you can take the odd positive comments as proof that it's acceptable to let your kids run about.

It's not the job of the general public to monitor your children's behaviour and teach them how to behave in public.

@mrsrhodgilbert

Why wouldn't waiting staff be allowed to say anything?
Anyone can tell off my kids if they are misbehaving..

@MaisyPops

It's not the job of the general public to monitor your children's behaviour and teach them how to behave in public.

It takes a village to raise a child.
People can condone or condemn their behaviour as they see fit.