We split three years ago as a result of his infidelity with a mutual friend. They are no longer together – she was also married and she and ex have never been a ‘proper couple’. The dc knew her and her dd but we moved to another area of the city just before he told me, so ds1 remembers her vaguely and ds2 not at all afaik. They were 7 & 5 when we split.
When we split we just told the dc we weren’t getting on well and didn’t want to be arguing anymore. Unfortunately there were a lot of loud arguments as there was a period of 3 months between ex telling me about the affair and finally moving out. He had been a sahp (took advantage of that to shag the ow in our bed, sometimes leaving ds2 behind a stairgate 
) so the dc had always been close to both of us – I always sort of over-compensated for not being there by kind of ‘leading things’ at weekends and during school holidays (teacher) when ex would take a step back. He wanted to move out and never wanted to be left with the dc.
The dc seem to have coped well with the split and we share custody about 70/30 to me. Ex has never had a career, which was why he was sahp, and, aside from his infidelity, we were arguing a lot over his work plans, or lack of them, at the time of the split. He wants to be a writer (but never finishes anything), or a musician (plays in bands, mainly for beer money) and since the split receives £700 per month from his mother and works part time through an agency. He has no work ethic and will walk out of places if he deems the boss to be an ‘arsehole’, or the role to be beneath him for whatever reason.
Today, looking through ds1’s school books from last year, I found some autobiographical work they had done. In it ds1 wrote about the split and how horrible it was to hear us arguing and how it has affected his life having to live between two homes. It was obviously hard to read, but not really surprising. However, twice he stated that the reason we split was that ‘dad wanted to get a job, and mum didn’t want him to.’ He also writes that I ‘wouldn’t stop teaching’ as if it was my burning desire to teach that had come between me and ex! This version of events is so far from the truth as to be laughable, especially the first bit. I asked ds why he had written that and he said it’s just what he thought. Thinking about it, ex first got a job of sorts after moving out, so I can see why ds1 has confused cause and effect in that way.
The comment about my work I feel may come from ex, as I suspect that he denigrates me to the dc and, if I am ever late from work to collect them from his, will rant about how I put my job first. Ds1 complains about my job a lot – in terms of the fact I am sometimes busy at weekends, can’t ever come to sports days etc, and, worst of all, it causes him to attend before and after school clubs, which he hates. I always explain how it pays for everything (and I mean everything – ex buys them absolutely nothing except for what he feeds them on his days, and pays me nothing) but he obviously resents it.
I just feel awful and that I have failed ds (and his brother) twice over- by giving him a shit life where he heard us arguing, has a split life, I don’t have a good work life balance and his dad has no money and lives in a pretty shitty environment – and, because we failed to give him a proper explanation for what happened and now he has made up a spurious explanation that is potentially dangerous for him to believe, in a way, because it is so far from the truth.
And no, I don’t want to be cast as the bad guy, because I’m really not, and it’s just not fair. I deal with all the shit – ex doesn’t really parent when he has them, and I can’t cope with thinking ds1 sees me as this crazed career woman who pissed everything up the wall because she was so addicted to marking.
I know if I ask ex he will tell me not to tell them, but WIBU, sometime over the remainder of the summer, to give them a highly edited, non-emotional version of the truth?