Festival and DH

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

DH and I are at a festival abroad, it's for DHs niche music interest which I don't mind but am not really a fan of. I was happy to come as I know he loves it and it's a dream festival for him.

We're on day 3 so far, 2 more days left and I am knackered. I am not in the best shape and it's a long walk to and from the festival to the little studio flat we're stopping in, plus standing around for hours watching bands etc. We've walked at least ten miles on each of the two days so far. My feet and legs are killing me.

So today DH wanted us to go and watch a couple of bands in the afternoon, come back here for some dinner and then go back for the evening. I opted to stay in the flat for the afternoon after explaining how I felt, will make dinner for when he gets back and then go to the evening shows.

DH has kicked off about this, said it's shit to go on his own, that he isn't having it for the rest of the week etc. That I shouldn't have agreed to come if I can't handle it. I feel really guilty now but we're only halfway through, and I thought it wouldn't matter for a few hours.

If it was the other way around I know for a fact I wouldn't have minded and I would have suggested this arrangement to him myself.

AIBU to have wanted to stay off this afternoon for a rest and sent DH on his own?

I did and I did. Divorced in my early 30s and I have a lovely DD and a lovely DH. Doesn't mean it's like that for everyone though.

Do you feel happy most of the time or not? Do you smile when you see him or think, "what is it this time". Do you feel contempt for his behaviour or him for yours?

In the short term I would just please myself. Because he's being an arse and why would you try to placate someone who doesn't care how you feel?

Sounds like he needs a bit of a wake up call. Agree with the pp - don't think of wasting time with him for 15 years, think of the future - I know lots of people who met their partner and had children in their mid to late 30's. Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this but google 'sunk costs fallacy' Good luck with whatever you decide!

:(

He doesn't sound like a very nice person. Also, even from the little you've said in your posts OP it's pretty clear that you know full well that he's not a very nice person too.

A few things:

• people saying don't waste the next 30 years with him just so as not to waste 15 are RIGHT. It's not 15 years wasted, it's just part of your life, you've done many other things and had good and bad in that 15 years I am sure but don't fall for the 'sunk costs' lie.

• I can understand the fear about not having children. It doubtless keeps many people (men as well as women) in bad relationships. But you can take control here too, there ARE options. If you left him, it's very likely that you would meet someone else and happily have a family. I had mine at 38 and 41 respectively. However, you're right in that some people don't meet the right person and some do but not in time to conceive. How about you think now about egg freezing? It's not a bad idea as an insurance policy even if you do stay with your partner. But if you don't, then it does give you an extra option should you not meet someone else in time to have children. I do know one person who did this, conceived with donor sperm, and then a few years later met the person she is now married to. Not an easy option, but just to say that there are options.

• most of all, I think from your posts that you are not happy with this person. If that's the case, leave him. Nothing is worth staying in a horrid relationship for. It won't ensure you have children, and if you're thinking he'll change - he probably won't.

Anyway - good luck.

OP when you initially posted I was of the opinion it was rather light-hearted and you were just moaning about the pains of married life and adjusting to someone else's needs and wants.
From your latest post then I'd strongly urge you to reconsider. You are 33 which is still very young and you can have another life with someone who'd not argue with you over a fucking festival. Thank your lucky stars that you don't have dc with this person - you can move on and live the life you want. You are a capable and reasonable person. Just because you've been with him for 15 years doesn't mean it's a waste - you've grown and learnt about yourself. I wish you well. LTB.

It's the weirdest things that can trigger a rethink too OP. I knew I had been unhappy for a while and h had done some
Pretty rubbish things in our marriage.But the final straw in my coming out and saying I was unhappy was when I had been due to go in for an operation and I didn't want him to come with me-I'm private about stuff like that and prefer to go it alone and it was easier for him to stay home with the kids-and he then asked my best friend to try and talk 'sense' into me...so many things about that annoyed me and I just realised he didn't know or care about how I felt about anything at all...(since then he's behaved even more despicably which has only sought to tell me that I made the right choice in saying I was unhappy-but that's another thread )
So don't, if you were, put this festival thing down as being trivial or ignore it is what I'm clumsily trying to say.

Oh OP. Having children with this selfish prick would be awful. You'd be doing absolutely everything for them and constantly sulked at and shouted at and pestered for sex - and he'd be demanding you park them at the grandparents just so he could drag you round another music festival.

33 is not too old to find someone else, possibly a potential father to DC. And, really, even if you don't find anyone else, you will still be happier, in the longterm, if you get rid of the current loser.

Do bear in mind that, as you don't have DC with him, you will be able to cut him out of your life completely (this will include being able to call the police if he won't fuck off: men like this sometimes do take a bit of getting rid of) - but you can do it. You've got a much better future ahead of you without him.

Good luck to you OP. Agree with previous - life is a lot longer than 15 years, especially with children! If you're now 33, that means you've been with this fellow since you were 18 (I'm guessing he's about the same age?)

People do a lot of growing up from 18. Sounds like you have and he hasn't!

OP you can't have children with this man. Who does he think will look after the baby when he wants you to go somewhere with him?

Having a child with him would be a very bad decision. Sorry to be so blunt.

dont do that to me again
Is he 5?

You are an adult and so is he, if he cant cope with going somewhere without you holding his hand then he is in trouble. You are not his nanny!
If he wants to trog 10 miles a day for his gig then thats his choice, you get to chose not to do it whether he likes it or not. He cant expect anyone to make themselves ill just so he gets to do what he wants.

It is selfish and it is controlling. The thing about controlling is it is insidius, they seem perfectly reasonable requests at first then they become demands and before you know it if you dont do what they want they blame you, you are the one who is being unreasonable, making them feel bad, not supporting them, they have a million and one reasons why its your fault and none of them are real. Someone who is only lovely when they are getting their own way isnt really lovely at all. Being sulky and aggressive when you dont do what he wants is a huge red flag.

Your oh needs to take responsibility for themselves and their actions and their own entertainment now and again. Hell I go to the theatre by myself now and again, its lovely not to be waiting on someone else to get there on time, not to have to do what someone else wants to do now and again.

Once you get home you need to rethink how the relationship actually works. A man who cannot even drive home without talking to someone on the phone (how dangerous is that) because he cant be alone has big problems. Its not your job to hold his hand through life. You need to talk to him and discuss this, if he cannot see what he is doing is wrong then you have to decide if you can live with this for another 15yrs. No adult needs to be 'bossed around' by another, you should have equal say and be an equal parnership.

Good luck, you really dont sound happy, its time you put yourself first, I know what I would do.