Festival and DH

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

DH and I are at a festival abroad, it's for DHs niche music interest which I don't mind but am not really a fan of. I was happy to come as I know he loves it and it's a dream festival for him.

We're on day 3 so far, 2 more days left and I am knackered. I am not in the best shape and it's a long walk to and from the festival to the little studio flat we're stopping in, plus standing around for hours watching bands etc. We've walked at least ten miles on each of the two days so far. My feet and legs are killing me.

So today DH wanted us to go and watch a couple of bands in the afternoon, come back here for some dinner and then go back for the evening. I opted to stay in the flat for the afternoon after explaining how I felt, will make dinner for when he gets back and then go to the evening shows.

DH has kicked off about this, said it's shit to go on his own, that he isn't having it for the rest of the week etc. That I shouldn't have agreed to come if I can't handle it. I feel really guilty now but we're only halfway through, and I thought it wouldn't matter for a few hours.

If it was the other way around I know for a fact I wouldn't have minded and I would have suggested this arrangement to him myself.

AIBU to have wanted to stay off this afternoon for a rest and sent DH on his own?

Well if he's rather not have come at all- great, Now you know that you can both skip the rest if it and to something else. That's his preferred option isn't it?

@ComeTheFuck0nBridget

Fairenuff he said he would rather have not come at all, which I think is just bloody daft

OMG one of the worst kinds of qualities in a man. When he won't go anywhere without you.

I have a friend right now who has the clingiest husband imaginable. He won't go shopping without her, or to someone else's house, or for a walk, or even to the doctors or dentist without her. He is literally like a child. This can become very wearing and tedious as the years wear on, when he is massively dependant on you for emotional support, and refuses to do anything unless you do it with him, or go anywhere, unless you go with him.

My friend has 2 kids (10 and 12,) and even though she frequently takes them places on her own - the park, the shopping centre, concerts etc; her husband won't take them anywhere - ever - unless she goes too. So she rarely gets a reprieve or any 'me-time.' I'd have had a nervous breakdown before now!

A grown man should be more than capable of watching a few bands on his own for the afternoon. He's being a complete baby. If you'd whinged every day, fine, but you've been really accommodating!

Also, his refusal to allow you a folding chair because he deems it "embarrassing" is even more childish. He sounds like Kevin The Teenager. Being embarrassed by stuff like that is not very punk...

So he doesn't like being on his own? Is that the problem here? Or is he sensitive about attending a festival that is not popular enough to get others to go along?

Either way, the not come at all comment would have had me checking flights home. Obviously this is a trip that won't be repeated so he'd better make the most of it now!

Hope things improve in the final couple of days for you OP!

Sorry bridget.Should have said 'wife'.

I'd tell him it's not your idea of a holiday, as you'd no idea it would be so physically demanding for you, and if he's not more considerate for the rest of the holiday, you'd be happier at home, and ditto next year after this experience.

DH has kicked off about this, said it's shit to go on his own, that he isn't having it for the rest of the week etc. That I shouldn't have agreed to come if I can't handle it. I feel really guilty now but we're only halfway through, and I thought it wouldn't matter for a few hours.

Yikes what a horrible reaction!

One of the great things about festivals is that you can go off on your own and not feel a loner cos everyone is their having fun and loving the festival.

Is he normally such a whiny baby (bubba can't be on his own) AND an aggressive over reactive twat at the same time?

He sounds like an arse. Who was he going to go with if you hadn't indulged him?

If you did feel like compromising (and don't feel like there's any obligation even to consider it after his arsery) could you get something to eat at the festival to save the trudging there and back? And eat it on the fold up chair (just the one - yours because it would of course be awful if he made himself look a dick even though he is ) you will naturally now be investing in?

So what did you do?

This is actually quite red-flaggy. Your H seems to be seeing you as something that exists only to meet his needs, whereas yours are unimportant. Is he the same about other things? Do you often have to acquiese to his wishes when you'd rather not, and then get snapped at and nagged for not showing sufficient enthusiasm?

Cotswold, no he doesn't like being on his own usually. Even when he's driving home from work, he always rings me or his Dad for a chat. I'm the opposite, I NEED alone time, and I'm.enjoying being on my own right now, although alone time wasn't what this was about.

Hipster, he does like things to go his own way. He's not an awful person but it's not unheard of for him to strop if things don't go exactly according to his plans.

Battleaxe, if I hadn't come he wouldn't have gone. He asked a friend who he normally goes to gigs with but they couldn't afford to go as it's abroad

Livefornaps, I stayed at the flat. I couldn't do it, if I'd gone I wouldn't have been able to go back this evening for the main bands and he would have been even more annoyed

Reanimated, it's not out of character for him to be like this. I knew exactly how he would react before I even told him I was stopping back today, for example.

Sorry OP, but after that last post, a load of warning bells are going off. Him getting 'annoyed' and going off on one to 'punish' you for not doing what he wants is horribly controlling.

And unfortunately, this is a trait that some men have. I don't know why they are like this.

What an idiot. He has massively hiked expectations about every second of this trip and one thing being less than optimum has made him kick off like a 2yo. And I bet he IS tired and running on adrenaline too, and that's part of it.

I also follow my DP around to exhausting niche musical events and he'd just see a nice opportunity for us to refresh ourselves and have more to talk about when we met up again.

Has he stomped off now? See if he slinks back later apologizing for being an arse. If he doesn't maybe then you've got a bigger problem.

He's a selfish fuckwit.

My ex was like this. If I suggested doing things separately he would say refuse and say that we had "to move as a unit".

Actually, was thinking about that fucking "move as a unit" phrase last week when I was on holiday in Iceland with my 15 year old son. We like different things, so some days we did different things for a few hours in the afternoon then met up at pre-arranged time and place.

A 15 year old boy with Aspergers can manage to spent an afternoon on his own in a unknown place, but your husband can't!

He's being controlling.

What a precious little prick OP. Well done you for sticking to your guns. Bullying others into doing things your way is kind of the opposite of the ethos of punk,tell him. Twunt.

x-post with OP. Hm, yes. Not great is it.

Sorry Seeingadistance but I am giggling away at "we have to move as a unit", what a nob, like he's in a war film.

Lila, yes he's gone, he definitely won't apologise when he gets back though.

I do think he's tired as well though which doesn't help, the festival starts at 2pm and the last band finishes at 2am, but he refuses to rest properly. He is always an early riser but he woke up at 5:30 this morning and then just dozed on and off before getting up at about 8am. He's also a bit stressed out about work at the moment too.

Do you have children? How long have you been married? surely you've always known this about him.
Either way YANBU - it must get so tiring having to be 'on' all the time - similarly to you I crave alone time. I need to recharge my batteries solo. Festivals are my idea of hell. Cheers to you

Seeingadistance, "moving as a unit" made me laugh.

To the people that are saying he is controlling though, I'm not sure. I've seen examples of controlling men and they always seem so mean, he's not mean and he's very generous with his money, he doesn't do anything awful he just can be a bit bossy and to be fair it often works quite well as I am the exact opposite, I'm not bossy at all and can be a bit floaty at times so I think we usually work quite well.

I won't lie, it is a bit exhausting sometimes but in general he is a good husband.

Vladimir, no children and we've been together 15 years.

SIGH so now you have the whole day to yourself OP, knowing that your selfish twunt of a husband is going to be in a snarky mood when he gets back. It's gonna be hard to enjoy it.

Oh joy.

Makes you wonder why men behave like this really doesn't it?!

He's a bully.

Nasty to strop because you're legitimately tired. Definitely try to find a folding chair and make him carry it. Tell him if he's not more understanding you won't go with him again.

I think that on the face of it, you're being entirely reasonable but,

would your husband have gone if he thought about you sitting it out?

is he someone (like me) who wouldn't have fun by themselves? I may be a "chump" but am nearly 60 and don't really like my own company that much.

Are you telling him to 'go by himself' with as much good grace as you think you are?

Could you not suck it up for a day or two? My DH has when I was a motorbiker and I have for him at boring mountainbike 24 hour races.

HipHop, I think all men are susceptible to it to a degree, and i think it comes from cultural norms and upbringing. Boys and men are raised believing their wants matter and that they are entitled to be happy in a way not many girls are - in fact girls are trained the opposite, that to be good and loveable they should put themselves last. So it can seem to women that men are being stunningly selfish and manipulative, because rather than biting their tongues and going without and bending over backwards to accommodate others, they say what they want and aren't in the least embarrassed to do what it takes to get it,up to and including taking advantage of the fact the women in their lives are trained to feel responsible for their happiness. So the two dynamics play very well together to keep a lot of women living lives of quiet desperation and self sacrifice, and a lot of men quite perfectly satisfied thank you, without ever thinking they'd a done anything more than be assertive. Thank you the patriarchy!

Just point out that as it is not your ideal holiday he is being completely out of order not to let you recover if you need to. i suppose it depends on the festival but sometime on to look around on your own is quite enjoyable.