Festival and DH

[ComeTheFuck0nBridget]

DH and I are at a festival abroad, it's for DHs niche music interest which I don't mind but am not really a fan of. I was happy to come as I know he loves it and it's a dream festival for him.

We're on day 3 so far, 2 more days left and I am knackered. I am not in the best shape and it's a long walk to and from the festival to the little studio flat we're stopping in, plus standing around for hours watching bands etc. We've walked at least ten miles on each of the two days so far. My feet and legs are killing me.

So today DH wanted us to go and watch a couple of bands in the afternoon, come back here for some dinner and then go back for the evening. I opted to stay in the flat for the afternoon after explaining how I felt, will make dinner for when he gets back and then go to the evening shows.

DH has kicked off about this, said it's shit to go on his own, that he isn't having it for the rest of the week etc. That I shouldn't have agreed to come if I can't handle it. I feel really guilty now but we're only halfway through, and I thought it wouldn't matter for a few hours.

If it was the other way around I know for a fact I wouldn't have minded and I would have suggested this arrangement to him myself.

AIBU to have wanted to stay off this afternoon for a rest and sent DH on his own?

lela That's a fucking great post.

Is he usually a wanker?

Yes @lela!!!!

Op this is your holiday too. It's not a gulag. He seems to have forgotten it's not all about him!

Why do you think it's great @TinklyLittleLaugh?

Because it's one which turns a little squabble between the OP and her DH (I think she's entirely NU, btw) into a larger reflection of the patriarchy and toxic masculinity?

@darkerweb I think lela's post just explained that because girls and boys are conditioned differently, that what can seem very selfish to women does not even register as selfish to men as we have been taught that our own needs take different priorities.

I actually think you are being unreasonable sorry.

I always try to turn a post round change the sex of the OP and protagonist and I am sure MN would be saying he's a twat to come on holiday with you then refuse to join you for the day on something you love and want him there for. Sorry 😐

To me this is like reading about life in a different universe. I just cannot imagine anyone being as selfish and unfeeling as your DH is being, or as willingly put-upon as you are being (by accompanying him at all, by not having your own holiday while staying at the place and perhaps just joining him for the highlights).

Niche interests are just that, for fans only. I'd have thought most fans would value being surrounded by and meeting like-minded people as a big part of the experience.

Why doesn't your OH want to interact with the other fans? Is he very antisocial? Difficulty making friends?

Really geekone? I would never agree to go on such a trip, feigning enthusiasm about anything for five days is way beyond my tolerance or sense of 'support'. I wouldn't be with such a clingy person.

But OPs made clear that if she'd declined to go he wouldn't have gone and would have stropped about that.

So basically 'do what I want, despite disliking and suffering through it, or I'll throw a strop and make your life miserable'. Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Lottie, those are difficult questions to answer. DH doesn't have many friends to be honest, he's not really interested, although he can easily chat to pretty much anyone.

I also don't think it's that strange for me to have come along with him, like I said before although it's not my choice of music I am enjoying myself in general. I sometimes go to gigs with him back home, and he will sometimes come along to things related to my hobbies.

Geekone, she has gone along, for 3 days. She's shattered and bordering on unwell. She's asking for an afternoon to chill, one, in 5 days. How is that unreasonable?? There is such a thing as compromise! If the genders were he other way around, it's likely the female DH would be offering to stay as well to keep the male OP company, maybe even look after them a bit.

Who cares if no one else has chairs? Bring one. If DH doesn't want one, he doesn't have to have one, but he has not business telling you can't use one.

OP have you braced yourself for the LTB posters?
I can't see how this post alone has made people think he's controlling, a bully, a pig or other choice terms.
You sound rather sound of mind and this isn't abusive in the slightest. It's annoying but when you've been with someone for 15-odd years you do know and accept their foibles if the relationship is to continue. Put your feet up and have a glass of wine.

@livefornaps

Less of the "we" please. Speak for yourself.

VladmirsPoutine

People like you have no place on MN

Would he accompany you on a five day intensive trip to do something you love and he doesn't?

Your clearly happy to put his interests first - do you not really have your own hobbies or holiday preferences? Surely the latter? Is 'just spending time together' a really big thing for you?

I just cannot conceive of doing this for DP (current or any previous BF) or they for me. So I can only conclude that you and I are very different people.

I have been on 'special interest holidays' where one person is less interested in the activity, of part of it, than the others. They've always found alternative activities for a day or two, everyone's happy.

With BFs, either we choose a trip together that we'll both love, or do special interest things separately. So the whole 'tagging along' thing does bemuse me. I guess partly because I have interests of my own - which include 'sitting about reading' while other people do their thing!

So, from my pov, it sounds like your OH needs more friends who share his hobby. Then you wouldn't have to live in each others' pockets so much. To me this would be advantageous. Perhaps not to you though.

Well, I thought it was a very good point that related to how even in happy relationships it's women who are left to think of the family as a whole unit and complete the "wife work". You don't have to snap at me about it.

I don't think the op should leave her partner at all - but surely this shows that while she thinks for the both of them, on this particular occasion he is only thinking of himself and has forgotten it's meant to be a holiday for her too?

Hope you're enjoying that glass of wine, by the way, OP.

Still, less of the "it's women who ..."

You can say that 'In my relationship it's me who...' but giving you free reign to categorise behaviour by into male and female seems a little far-fetched.

You can say that 'In my relationship it's me who...' but giving you free reign to categorise behaviour by into male and female seems a little far-fetched. Depends whether you believe in the patriarchy and class analysis, doesn't it? I do. Even though I was raised by a feminist mother to please myself more than the norm.

Anyway, the most punk thing you can do is subvert the system and fuck the norms. So take a chair, sit your arse down if you want and a big two fingers to everyone's judgement. And tell your DH you aren't here to service his needs. You have needs too. And if he strops, I wouldn't feel at all guilty about not going back at all if it doesn't suit you.

A man who is 'lovely' only when he gets his own way in absolutely everything, and who sulks and tantrums and tries to guilt trip you at any entirely reasonable request you make to have your needs or wishes considered is not lovely at all. He's selfish, entitled - and yes, abusive.
Unfortunately, the core idea in your H's mind is that you exist for his benefit and must be constantly reminded of your place; that he is superior to you and his wishes must always be gratified.

It sounds like the best thing you could actually hope for in the future is that the miserable bastard gets nicked for using his phone while driving. That might go some way towards teaching him he isn't the centre of the universe.

is he someone (like me) who wouldn't have fun by themselves? I may be a "chump" but am nearly 60 and don't really like my own company that much.

So you can't have fun on your own, but you can have fun while accompanied by someone that you know full well is exhausted and miserable and is only there because you bullied them into it?

Can you not see how selfish that is? Making other people unhappy just so you can have your own way?

The OP only wanted her DP to watch bands by himself for ONE AFTERNOON so she could rest. It's a five-day event!

HurryUpAndWait Agreed. I've often thought the same!

@MrsTerryPratchett - you may but most people see 'blaming the patriarchy' as a mocking and patronising retort to RFs.

I also think 'twat' when I hear the term "toxic masculinity" but as quite a masculine woman who likes punk rock and 3rd wave ska (but like's company), I can't help but wonder if the comments about the man not wanting to go by himself would have been the same if he were the woman?

Do men need to enjoy a solitary lifestyle?

If the roles had been reversed then would we have been subjected to a story about a woman being raped at a festival and how the husband was negligent?

As an ex-feminist, this thread seems all about deriding the man for not wanting to go alone. Throw like a girl = acting like a chump?

I am deriding the guy for not going on his own

I'm on holiday and didn't fancy walking this morning. What did dh do? Throw a tantrum? Tell me I shouldn't have bothered coming? No, he went for a walk.

Anyway, back to the specifics; he is being unkind to you, you have feelings too, your feelings count.

Also, he's being a big baby. He's perfectly capable of enjoying himself at his favourite festival, surrounded by like-minded people, for an afternoon. I'd be asking what is wrong with him that he can't have fun without a family-member present. Why does he need his hand held all the time? It's weird. It's not because he wants to have fun with you, together - that doesn't work when you're faking, or suffering!

It's something about being uncomfortable in his own head, or being too concerned about appearances, if it isn't a control thing. His issues, not yours.

I can't help but wonder if the comments about the man not wanting to go by himself would have been the same if he were the woman?

A woman stropping and saying she coulnd't go by herself so you better bloody sort your shit out and come with me and enjoy it too - would certainly get the same comments.

A woman saying - I don't want to go by myself really, sorry I hadn't realised you were so bushed, why don't we both have a nice relaxing evening in together and recharge for tomorrow - not exactly as offensive although I still prefer people who can do things by themselves.