To think people underestimate impact of advantages

[brasty]

I think lots of people underestimate the impact of advantages in their life.
So having parents who value education and encourage you.
Having parents who find the best school for you.
Having loving parents who create a loving environment to grow up in.
Getting help with house deposits.
Having a parent who will help you out when things go wrong.

All or some of these things makes it so much easier to have a good life. Yet so many people underestimate the impact.

And disadvantages (or advantages) kind of go together and multiply. Poorer people are more likely to have housing problems, which take up time/energy, to suffer health problems, to have problems with transport etc. They are literally blocked from access to things.

Where I live there are 2 towns only about 25 miles apart. One is just outside Detroit & has quite a lot of violent crime, often with guns involved. The other is a naice small town with good restaurants and pretty artsy shops. IT also has a large retirement community which skews the figures, but people in the poor town have an average life expectancy 20 years lower than the nice town! If money can affect someone's life that much, it's hard to deny its influence.

I agree with so much in this thread, especially the fact that having a 'safety net' in terms of your advantages is so beneficial.

For example a few years ago I was able to take the risk of accepting a higher-paid one year work contract with the possibility of it being extended but with no guarantee, rather than a lower paid but permanent role with a lot less career prospects.

I knew that if I were to be out of work for eg a few months if the one year contract job wasn't renewed then, if worst came to worst, my parents would be able to help tide me over financially. So having that safety net effectively enabled me to take the one year contract, which as it turns out was renewed. But my upwards career trajectory simply wouldn't have been possible if I had needed to play if safe and take the lower paid secure job with less career prospects.

Offred2 I know people who have set up their own businesses knowing they have a safety net. One is way better off now as a result, the other has not made a success of it and is closing their business down at the moment. But the friend who is closing their business down has parents with money who are supportive. So was able to take the risk knowing that their mortgage would still be paid and the family would not be evicted. But you are right, even if you never use it, a safety net allows you to take those risks.

It's easy not to appreciate your own privilege. So many people become blind to it. I have to keep myself in check when people tell me in lucky because of my successful career and good salary. My instinct is to feel that I've worked bloody hard for it (I have).
But when I think about it I've had lots of advantages just by luck of birth. Born with a good brain to start with, parents who were focused on the importance of education, private primary school, grammar secondary school, parents supported me through uni, parents who encouraged me to save money, getting in the property ladder when £5k was still enough for a deposit etc.
After failing in my first career I decided to qualify as a solicitor. Yes I had a few years that were hell on earth - working full time, going to college in the evenings, horrendously in debt to pay the fees. It's easier to remember that bit. But the earlier stuff was just as much responsible for my eventual success as the hard work years.
What does get on my tits though is being told I'm "lucky" by someone who has had as many, if not more, advantages than me but didn't fancy doing the grafting.

I also meant to say I've seen "too many" advantages backfire on the recipients spectacularly.
It's character building to have to struggle or strive to succeed to some extent and is hugely rewarding to triumph as a result of your own efforts.

My PIL were very well off (dead now). Four children, money doled out regularly, houses, cars, holidays bought etc. Apart from my H who has a very strong independent streak and work ethic (compounded by me refusing to accept funds towards a house as I knew it world come with strings attached), the money ruined them.
Two of them never had jobs. This is despite my SIL having done three degrees (we call her Diana Ross). The other stormed out of jobs after a few weeks or months because he didn't like people telling him what to do, and because he could.
Any difficulty faced had the same solution - they went to Daddy with their hand out.
None of them ever had a proper partner and all had alcohol dependence issues.
The middle brother became a heroin addict and died in his early 40s.
The other two are very unhappy with their lot - they each have a house but have already blown the substantial amount of money their parents left them. And now there is no more ...

I grew up in a sink hole estate, both my parents worked to provide for their children, looking back I was always jealous of my friends who's parents didn't work because they managed to have foreign holidays and the latest trainers. This was never an option for me being the eldest of 5 children.
But what I have learnt is to mange from my parents and whilst materialisticly I didn't have everything what I did have is 2 parents who provided love and support for their kids.

Since I've had my son I've been to uni and now have a reasonable job, my husbands lost both his parents a few years ago who saved their whole lives. With the inheritance we decided to put the money into property for our children as any step up we can provide for our children we will do.

Yes due to my husbands loss we are able to provide a much more stable future for our kids. For me education is paramount and when we bought our first house we made the decision to buy a cheaper house in a less desirable part of town to then pay for our son to go to private school because that was what's best for him. He's now at high school and still privately educated, we also have a 4 year old who will follow the private education path,the next 2 years will be hard financially but a few sacrifices for my kids is what we signed up for when we became parents.

honeylulu Maybe they would have been the same if they had grown up in poverty? Encouraging dependence on parents, rather than independence, happens in poor families as well. The results are just more visible to outsiders.

You might be right brasty. I guess we just don't know.
My sister is much closer to and dependent on our parents. I couldn't wait to get out there and live my own life. Nature over nature, maybe.

Always grateful for the upbringing I had, even though happiness was not much a part of it. But I am also always aware that some people's lives are a continuous struggle, and the more opportunities open to all the better. Education being of prime importance, but this needs to be backed up with a supportive home environment. Sometimes help is needed in just establishing this otherwise the wheel will just go round and round without gaining ground. Sympathy, education, enlightenment compassion and resources in abundance. Everyone deserves to better their lives.

I'm not denying that a secure financial background is a HUGE advantage but let's not fall into the lazy assumption that less well off parents don't care about their kids or are unable to give them an advantage in many areas. Stability, security, importance of education, emotional support etc is hugely important.

They are the people on here who earn lots of money, have no major worries but who state they have 'worked hard' to get where they are, dismissing the rest of us who work very hard but don't have their salaries or qualifications.

I grew up in a rectory style house, animals a-plenty, spacious grounds etc. Looking back I was spoilt. .But one thing that was lacking was emotional nourishment. My needs were not being met. I was often dismissed, growing up. It was all about keeping up with the Jones's and looking the 'part'. There were certain people that we were not allowed to play with and it was a very life-limiting childhood.

I failed to secure an attachment to my mother. And if you want my honest opinion, she's a snob. I would have rather lived in a shack and be equipped rightly to deal with the world, than live in a pretentious bubble where worth was valued by image, money.

At least when you are emotionally equipped (whether rich or poor), you can deal with what life has to throw at you.

Yes, it starts in the home. But it also starts in the mind: self-confidence, self-esteem, which as a child, you need parents who value you, as a person...because that all equates to self-love. And when you love yourself, you open a world of opportunity, although not necessarily monetary.

I agree with much of the above but I also think advantage is complicated. Contrast: Well off but emotionally distant parents dropping children at boarding school at eight because they went. Children lock down emotions and are not able to have good relationships with future partners and have huge amounts of unhappiness vs less money but supportive and loving parents and happy marriages. Perhaps the first lot do have high earning jobs, perhaps the second lot do too but which had the greater advantage.

These may be cliches but I look around me and I see the suffering that disconnected but well to do parents can inflict. This echoes down lives for a long time. As one psychologist I spoke to who deals with the fall out from wealthy families told me "We assume that neglect only effects certain economic groups and it's just not true".

Sorry just read Bbbbbb.
Well put

But this just comes back to the many different kinds of privilege. And it IS easier to provide support for your kids if you aren't juggling two low-paid jobs, cheap childcare, only one parent scenarios. That doesn't mean that a single parent on low income loves their kids any less, but they can't drive them to after school activities, or take them to amazing holidays, or just buy the equipment needed to 'pursue their passion'. They can be as enthusiastic as they want, but it doesn't give their child the extra opportunities that money can buy.

And of course people are utterly blind to their privilege. Most of the time they don't even have to ask for it to be given to them. As a teacher I always have the door opened for me as I walk around school. I don't even have to ask, it just gets held open. It would be very easy to just assume that doors open automatically, rather than seeing that someone has held it open, and that other people behind me (pupils) don't have the door held open for them.

You are so right Falange "I've worked hard for what I have" is one of the most irritating and superior phrases ever. I've worked hard in my life but do I work harder at my desk job than someone who is, for example, a carer for the elderly? Absolutely not! Is it harder work for each day to be a financial struggle and to not be able to afford things for your kids than it is to go to uni and do some exams? Of course it is. Implying that those who are less well off somehow haven't worked as hard is absolute rubbish.

I think that people from the top enjoy playing "bountiful" to those who have nothing but they are perfectly happy to let the struggling middle sink.

I often felt that way about my ex father in law. He was lucky enough to inherite a house from his parents and even after he and my ex mil split, the house sale ensured they could both go their separate ways and easy buy somewhere else each. He also grew up in a time where mortgages were easier to get and income was good.

He now has the attitude (which he passed on to my ex dp ) where he thinks "young people " just don't work hard enough which is why they don't have what he did He did work hard of course but forgets his big advantages he had along the way.

I on the other hand am not in line for any inheritances nor have I ever been in the position where my mum or dad cause "just help out" money wise if things go wrong. I'm pretty much on my own on that front!

You are totally right.

I have all of those advantages and am grateful for them every day. This cartoon brought it home. www.upworthy.com/a-short-comic-gives-the-simplest-most-perfect-explanation-of-privilege-ive-ever-seen

I do think people vastly underestimate their advantages in life... the cartoon sums it up well.
People also talk badly of people who haven't had it so easy... if they worked harder they could buy a home not rent...forgetting their parents/grandparents helped with deposit/large inheritance...etc...etc.. for many different things in life.
Some people make the best of what they have and others squander their huge advantage.

Flowersandbirds...

I agree carers for old/disabled work very hard and often for minimum wage..so anyone saying 'I worked hard..blah de blah..they should try working hard..blah de blah...' very irritating and often had life advantages that they quickly forgot.

YANBU. So many people work very very hard for very little, and the grinding impact of poverty on everything can never be underestimated.

I'm not sure if this is relevent to this topic but I feel it has some connections, somehow

I don't have all of the things you mention but my parents created a loving environment and would be there in a flash if I needed them. I fully appreciate that and equally they know they can call on me if they need help etc

I just looked back at the horrors in my life and wondered why? What and why did they happen? Have I been evil to receive evil. And my conclusion is that I dont deserve the crap I've had, I have been I'd like to think a good person. Just one who gets capped on constantly.
Luck? I don't know. Some people seem to breeze through life and get a privileged ride of life others don't. As to what to do it if it can be changed or altered (luck) I don't know.
I just hope that my children do better than me. I give them everything I can and will always be there for them and I hope that they always know that they can talk to me and that I love them.
The world is a mess. It's unfair to some. Life isn't a joy that it is for others.

Good luck xx