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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think losing your career is almost like a bereavement

133 replies

misjudgement · 08/08/2017 15:51

I won't go into the ins and outs, but I am struggling with who I am and with what my identity now is.

Yes I am looking into retraining but it isn't what I did. And I have lost something that was a huge huge part of my life.

OP posts:
Gribbit · 10/08/2017 18:59

I'm so glad you posted this. I can't find myself at all since finishing fostering. It felt so amazing. I can't go back to it, and my life has gone all to shit since.

ILikTheBred · 10/08/2017 21:39

Thanks for posting this OP. I left a long career that I had vested so much in - years of hard work, a good part of my identity - due to burn out and stress caused by organisational failure.

For me it has felt more like the break up of a marriage that was once great and then turned sour. I miss it so much, even though what I left wasn't good for my mental health. It feels like being still in love with an errant partner who held all the cards and, even though rationally I know it was the right thing, I am finding it very hard to move on.

malificent7 · 10/08/2017 22:36

I think the stress of many jobs causes mental health issues

I have lost a few careers due to mh and it is devastating but ive learned not to take it to heart. Really a career isna way of making money and i think we need to adapt to survive.

My career in teaching has sadly flopped but i have dd and she's more important.

misjudgement · 11/08/2017 10:32

I think you are correct about that malificent

OP posts:
Morphene · 11/08/2017 10:57

For some people, work is about money and jobs are interchangeable. They may still have self identity associated with being rich, or being self-sufficient etc. That can take a hit if they lose their wealth or self-sufficiency...but it is less likely (though certainly not impossible) that they will feel the loss acutely and have it affect their mental state in a longer term way.

Other people identify very strongly with their career. They don't teach...they are a teacher.

Just like I don't do science, I am a scientist.

If I had to stop doing science, I don't know if my identity as a scientist would persist, or if I would suddenly become a 'failed scientist'. It would be reasonably common for the latter response to lead to depression and other mental illness.

I think the important thing to note is that 'role loss' is a real concept within the literature on mental health, and an accepted cause of depression.

One strategy for avoiding this, is obviously to diversify your self-identity. If all your self-esteem is locked up in one element, then losing that element could be devastating. This is why so many elite athletes struggle after they retire. Some of them have had nothing else in their lives since they were children. It is also why I worry about the people on MN who say 'I am a mother, and my children are all that matter to me'. It is why 'empty nest' syndrome is a real problem.

From where the OP is, having lost an identity, or having had it poisoned and turned into a negative, the way forward is to properly examine what else you are. You undoubtedly DO have other roles and identities, so focus a little more on those, until you find a new goal or identity emerging from the ashes so to speak.

Keep correcting any negative mental commentary. You can still be a teacher even if you aren't a professional any more. You still were a teacher, even if it fell apart at the end. You still have all the triumphs and all the differences you made in peoples lives as a teacher. They aren't wiped out by you stopping the job. They are real and continue to change the world. Stopping doesn't negate having done it in the first place if you see what I mean...

allthingsred · 11/08/2017 11:06

Yanbu I'm watching a friend go through this loss of identity for the past 12 months.
She went on holiday came back to no job. There is of course more to it. But essentially she had worked for the same company for 16 yrs & since she has left
She is struggling to find a place where she fits. Had 3 jobs moved house 3 times.
And split up with husband too.
It's like the loss of her career as caused a mini breakdown in her. As a friend uou support her. But its so sad to see

Dowser · 11/08/2017 11:10

Of course it is.( replying to original question)
Any major life change incurs a loss.
Change or loss of home
Loss of a loved one
Loss of a job
Loss of a beloved pet.
Financial losses

All of these bring up a grief response.
You need to mourn your loss and reinvest your energy into your future.

EssentialHummus · 11/08/2017 11:12

Great post morph

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