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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think losing your career is almost like a bereavement

133 replies

misjudgement · 08/08/2017 15:51

I won't go into the ins and outs, but I am struggling with who I am and with what my identity now is.

Yes I am looking into retraining but it isn't what I did. And I have lost something that was a huge huge part of my life.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 08/08/2017 22:49

At the point your career is taken from you might not see a new chapter as possible.
Losing my career was harder for me than any personal bereavement I've had.

mysteryfairy · 08/08/2017 22:57

I think it's fair to say that for some people it feels like a bereavement at the time. I think it depends on so many factors like what you do, how big a part of your life work is and how long you've been in a role or workplace as to how grief stricken, lost and disorientated you feel. Hopefully the difference is that there will be new opportunities that mean you look back on it as a positive event that opened up a new chapter for you and in the long term it won't feel like a bereavement any more.

Ceebs85 · 08/08/2017 23:07

Our roles in life are what define us as people. We're born to 'do' and to fulfil roles. When we lose one, any one of them that's a huge loss so the way you're feeling is completely

Do the reasons you lost your career mean you have to do something completely different? Maybe think about which elements of it were most important to you and think about other jobs which may give you similar sense of worth.

Lucyandpoppy · 08/08/2017 23:07

I think the difference is also in being proactive and knowing that if you work hard enough, things can change (discounting people who have lost jobs due to health issues or other circumstances where personal effort can't change much) if you put effort into retraining, finding a new career that you love then you can with time change things and go back to having a job that you enjoy.

No amount of personal effort can bring someone back from the dead though.

I do think it is sad sometimes when a chapter in your life ends - be it finishing education, a job, moving house - they can all be very stressful and a period of great adjustment but I honestly find it tasteless to compare it to losing a loved one.

OllyBJolly · 08/08/2017 23:15

I think the difference is also in being proactive and knowing that if you work hard enough, things can change

Not always. For many people, it doesn't matter how hard they work, how many extra miles they go for their employer, that commitment is not returned and they are thrown on the scrapheap with minimal redundancy pay and the next employer thinking exactly like you, there must be something wrong with them if they don't have a job...

We identify so much with our job role. What's the first question you ask to break the ice when you meet someone? What do you do? Yes, for some people a job is just a paycheck. For many others, including me, it's who you are. I love my job. I get so much joy out of it and feel I make a real difference to the world. If I was to lose it, I would be bereft.

ilovesooty · 08/08/2017 23:15

Honestly I've lost people I loved either through death or through relationship breakdown. I still say losing my career caused more profound misery at the time than any other loss.

ThanksForAllTheFish · 08/08/2017 23:16

I agree OP, it can feel like a bereavement. You spend years working 7+ hours a day, 5 days a week at the same place and then it's just gone. For all the good and bad that comes with any job it's hard to have it taken away (when wasn't your choice)

I was made redundant 2 years ago and have been floating between various jobs ever since - mainly agency and contract work as that's all that is on offer in my sector these days. I feel like I can never get back the career that I once had. Well maybe one day but not for the foreseeable future anyway.

As for retraining - in what? I can't think of anything else I would actually like to do. Plus there is such a lack of jobs at the moment where I live that even if I did retrain I might not get a job at the end of it.
Even if I did find something, I simply could not afford to be a student again - we just scrape by as it is, so I'm stuck where I am for the moment. I'm hoping things will get better in a few years and companies will start properly hiring staff again (rather than just hiring temps for 6 months at a time).

I feel for you OP, I really do. It's a particularly rubbish time to have to start all over. I can only see things getting worse given the current (and future predictions re: brexit) economic state of the UK. You will get through and find other work but it might not be the same as your previous career.

WeAllHaveWings · 08/08/2017 23:52

I was made redundant after 24 years in my career and had to change to something else. I lost my work "family" that I'd grown up with, my identity, it was stressful, financially crippling, and hard work finding something new and adapting in my late 40s.

YABU. It is stressful but a career/job is replaceable. Unless you are comparing it to the death of maybe a plant, never ever a person.

pnutter · 08/08/2017 23:56

YANBU along with the career or job goes all your friends your day to day routine. Ok, not as emotionally painful as losing my dad but still very hard to get to grips with.

pnutter · 08/08/2017 23:59

For context i lost my career after 12 years. And my dad soon after i lost my career. Both hurt ..in different ways i suppose but i dont think you are being unreasonable. All the best op.

stroan · 09/08/2017 00:10

Thank you for posting this, it's really helped me to make sense of my current situation and almost come to terms with how lost I feel. I think bereavement is maybe a stronger term than I'd use, but I understand the sentiment.

I was made redundant at the end of my mat leave. It was a job I had loved and was incredibly good at, despite some very bumpy times during pregnancy. I was due to go back 4 days per week which was perfect for our needs.

I found a contract role and the employers amazingly agreed to let me do 4 days. It comes to an end on Thursday after 7 months and there are no jobs on the market that I could apply for. Not a single one.

If a job does come up, I have to hope that I could negotiate part time/flexible working because having one day off with DD is massively important to me. Finding a job that I enjoy or offers career potential is too much of an ask. Can't afford to retrain or to take a huge pay cut to learn on the job.

I've spent all evening stewing over my career and trying to figure out where it went so badly wrong. I have 15 years experience and nothing but good feedback, but feel so hopeless and lost.

HillaryWinshaw · 09/08/2017 00:24

I understand completely, it makes you question the very essence of who you are. It felt like a bereavement to me, too. I went in a different direction (backwards, in some ways, but in a way that suited me) and I'm now in a really good place - and better than it even was before. I thank God every day for the possibility that came my way, because the previous 9 months had been the worst of my life. Sending good thoughts to you, OP. Hang in there.

malificent7 · 09/08/2017 00:33

I wish people wouldnt take their lives after redundancy.... so very sad.
Yanbu but i am quick to get on the case when a job dosnt work out.
I was a teacher.... now hoping to retrain in radiography or perhaps something else more creative.

BanginChoons · 09/08/2017 00:35

I lost my child. It is not the slightest bit comparable to losing a job.

BlindYeo · 09/08/2017 00:44

end so sorry for your loss Flowers and for yours bangin

YANBU OP although bereavement is too strong a word. Huge sense of self-worth, self-identity and life structure tied up in work.

Out2pasture · 09/08/2017 00:48

I certainly grieved my job loss, my identity my sense of pride, my family and community role when I was made redundant. It was a bitter pill to swallow.

sazza76 · 09/08/2017 01:58

YANBU
I used to be a nurse, I loved my job was making a good career moving up the bands doing lots of training. It was a part of my identity. I had to leave due to sudden illhealth, they medically retired me at not even 30. It took me years to accept, and I still make a point of dropping it into conversation. I felt lost and I went though all

the grief stages.
I've now accepted it as I have moved on k rr a different chapter in my work life and it's given me back my confidence and self belief.

WinnieTheMe · 09/08/2017 02:30

I have lost people I loved and I lost my career due to mental ill health. There were definite similarities for me. For me, it meant letting go of so many hopea and dreams, acknowledging so much time and effort and training had gone to waste, and losing this huge sense of who I was. I used my career to define me hugely and losing that was so painful and disorienting.

It took me three years to begin to get myself back on my feet. These days I have a new career I love, but I still remember the old one. I still mourn the person who did that and loved it so much.

Redsrule · 09/08/2017 07:33

Like all comments it a matter of context. It might be comparable to the loss of an aged grandparent for example but no way to the loss of a child. I would give up my career in a heartbeat to have my DH back. I would agree it is a grievous loss but bereavement, no way,

kingfishergreen · 09/08/2017 07:39

In 2012 the company I worked for went bust. I'd been working with that team for four years, we worked long hours and forged friendships. I have always been work-focused.

When the company ended, I felt like I'd lost myself. 80% of 'me' (time wise) was that job. I spent 80% of my waking time with that team. Everything I'd been working on and striving for, no longer mattered.

And yes, I grieved, and it felt like a bereavement. I was disappointed in myself that I cared so much about something that was, empirically, meaningless.

pinkdelight · 09/08/2017 08:07

Yanbu. Top execs get 'outplacement' supporting worth tens of thousands as part of their severance packages, because it's understood that losing a job is so hard emotionally as well as practically. The career companies help them to get new jobs but the counselling is just as integral. As some pp's alluded, a career can define us, right down to who our friends and even partners are, and often it's a massive shock to realise that it was the job that gave the identity, power and influence, and when it's gone, we need to redefine ourselves from scratch. It's a tough but often rewarding and ultimately positive process but of course it helps a lot to have all that support. Everyone else just has to muddle through on their own and figure it out for free.

pinkdelight · 09/08/2017 08:12

One other thing - if bereavement as an analogy troubles people, another way to think of it is as a loss of faith. As kingfisher says above, it can really feel like a loss at that spiritual level. The thing that gave us meaning and purpose feels to have gone and after feeling that way it's hard to believe again.

Anatidae · 09/08/2017 08:28

Yanbu

I'd say bereavement probably isn't the most sensitive choice of words but it is a deep loss. When I came back from maternity leave I was demoted. Had previously been a high achiever with excellent scores etc on appraisals. As soon as I told them I was pregnant I was sidelined. I came back to technically the same grade but in reality a much lower job.
My confidence is totally shot and it's led to some serious depression. And ironically, me feeling like I'm no good at my job at all :(

histinyhandsarefrozen · 09/08/2017 09:18

Bereavement IS a poor choice of words and I am surprised people continue to use it. Why not say it was a terrible loss or I had to grieve?
Otherwise I hear you saying that you think losing your career was as bad as losing your five year old in a traffic accident. Surely no one thinks that, not really.

Blodplod · 09/08/2017 09:28

Whilst I can't liken it to a bereavement exactly, I do agree mostly with how you are feeling. I got made redundant 4 years ago and it totally floored me. I didn't work 'properly' since, lost loads of self esteem, had massive anxiety issues etc.. however, 4 weeks ago I started a new job in my old industry.. a big step back into my old world. It's all come flooding back and it feels like I've never been away. The feedback I'm getting from new employers is very positive.. my only regret is why I didn't do this a couple of years ago and allow my bitterness, lack of confidence and anxiety get in the way. But hey ho, I'm back in the saddle now. My only advice is there's loads of options out there for you. Don't let this setback ruin your life.