To think losing your career is almost like a bereavement

[misjudgement]

I won't go into the ins and outs, but I am struggling with who I am and with what my identity now is.

Yes I am looking into retraining but it isn't what I did. And I have lost something that was a huge huge part of my life.

So I'm allowed to class myself as bereaved if I have lost a distant aunt that I barely knew, but it isn't okay to say the loss of something that has been important to me day in day out for decades and is a part of how I think of myself is 'almost like a bereavement'?

TBH I don't think this is a semantic 'you are only allowed to use the word bereaved to describe loss of people' at all. I think this is straight up 'you aren't allowed to express your unhappiness because I've had it worse'.

My first career defined me hugely - it was some thing I started working towards in my teens, it required massive financial and time sacrifices to train, I moved countries for it, I burnt relationships for it. I worked evenings and weekends. I did a lot but it was worth it because I loved what I did. It wasn't a well paid career but it was a 'cool', high status and hard to get into career that people respected me for doing. And I loved it. I loved being WinnieTheCareer.

I didn't always have the same job, but I had a bunch of contracts in my field. Then I got sick. At first I was able to move jobs to move away from issue caused by my illness. Then I got worse. The problems were bigger.

I got sectioned. Spent some time in a psych ward. Came out. Tried to go back to work. Got sick again.

My consultant said she thought the job was a major trigger for the episodes and she thought it likely I'd never be able to work again. And I had to quit. It was devastating.

I felt like I'd wasted my life. I couldn't see a future. I was taking drugs that made me get fat, and stumble over my words and think slowly. I was dirt poor and relying on my DF for financial help so my house didn't get repossessed. I felt like I had died in some weird way - the cool, smart, competent interesting person I had been was gone and instead there was this useless leech who couldn't even leave the house. I know it sounds melodramatic but I was really in a bad way. And in some ways it was true. I never did get that person back. That person I used to be.

I was super lucky and was able to retrain with family help. I got married and had DD and I love my life now but it's entirely different to the one I thought I'd have and I think I did need to grieve for that for a while.

Sorry for the essay! to all who have had an awful time on this thread.

WinnietheMe

Similar to me and teaching, I couldn't manage my mental health and stay teaching. Although now my mental health condition is also impacting on my new job. I am slowly trying to help myself to redefine myself and come to terms with the fact that I will never achieve all that I wanted to because of my illness. I'm trying to redefine what feel about success. Which is difficult when everyone around you is talking about careers.

rebelnotaslave

I really get the struggle to redefine yourself without career success. I think illness makes you struggle with that on so many levels. It sucks.

I recognise the illness bit too. I had a breakdown a few years ago due to a bullying boss, disinterested employer, even less interested DH.

Id like to think the experience has made me richer but materialistic-wise, I'm on my hands and knees. Still. Again. As per.

Gonna take something drastic to change things.... Although I will still hope that several little ones will suffice 😊

It was horrible.hell.devastating.stress.tears.rifts...buuuut u can get through with support.don't give up.don't fester.if u plan to continue work don't wait too long.the longer u stay in depths of redudancy the worse u feel.the harder to motivate urself to work.get support and be comforted.ur not alonexx

Winnie

Very similar to me, the mental health problems I had involved being sectioned and long term strong medication that has changed me a lot. Have now lost a big part of 'myself'.

to all in fact. It's hard.

Kate thanks but I haven't been made redundant!

Rebel yes, those words resonated.

YANBU. You can spend say 2 hours per week with an elderly relative but, 60+ hours per week in your career. Totally get it

What rubbish, morpheme.

But you carry on saying 'you feel like you've been bereaved' if you like (shrug) it's clearly an important if meaningless way for you to express yourself. I would have thought there are plenty of other words but no.

"Bereave" comes from the Old English word "bereafian", meaning to deprive of, take away, plunder, seize or rob. Since the mid 17th century it has applied mostly to life, hope, loved ones and other possessions which aren't material. The past tenses bereaved and bereft have coexisted since the 14th century. They are now slightly differentiated in meaning: the word bereaved is usually applied to loved ones and bereft to circumstances.
I maintain that the loss of my career was the most profound loss of my life and had the most far reaching effects in my physical andental health - far more so than any personal loss or relationship breakdown. I'm not going to be guilted into not describing it as a form of bereavement.

Hmm...Every major life event is relative. The death of an elderly relative who you hardly see is not going to impact on your life in the same way as the loss of a close family member.

Similarly a job loss can be devastating for so many reasons and affects everyone differently. If you haven't experienced a close bereavement it probably could be traumatic.

My husband died three and a half years ago, my mum died three years ago tomorrow. 12 months later I was made redundant from a career I had had for 21 years. In my circumstances it didn't compare, in fact I felt nothing.

I am now a mature student studying to practice in a completely different field and am thankful for being pushed out of my comfort zone. I still mourn my husband and mum but life for my kids and me goes on as it does for us all x

Keep on saying it then- I will reserve my sympathy for those who've lost their career yet still have plenty of sensitivity and understanding the language they chose to use to describe it.

So how do you feel, histinyhands, about those who use the word to describe a loss of, say, elderly parents or some other family member that really cannot be compared to losing a child?

Do people have to pretend the loss of someone who might have been ready to go, or was perhaps not that deeply loved, is deeper than something that may be the only thing that stands between them and suicide?

(thinking of one person I know who is struggling with MH issues and for whom love of what she does is often the only thing that makes her get up in the morning)

When I go (hopefully at a ripe old age) I don't want my grandchildren to feel obliged to make my death into a bigger thing than it is just to satisfy someone's sense of verbal hierarchy. That, I think, would be deeply insensitive. But at the same time, I want them to recognise that for someone else the loss of an elderly parent or grandparent might have a different impact.

It's not insensitive to use a word that you feel describes how you feel. Is it insensitive if I say my granddad's death didn't really affect me to someone who's grandparents death did?

I don't think you have the right to tell someone how they can or can't use language to describe their situation. Many people have already said they agree it isn't comparable to the death of a child or spouse. But that isn't what the word is exclusively used for.

I will reserve my sympathy for those who've lost their career yet still have plenty of sensitivity and understanding the language they chose to use to describe it

That is of course your right, but I can't say I'm too bothered about the responses of people who don't bother to read the etymology and the points conveyed, and think it's their right to tell others what vocabulary they can use to describe life events.

I don't think you have the right to tell someone how they can or can't use language to describe their situation
Spot on.

What a good post, Cory

Ilove - thank you for the reference to the word bereafian - i used the word bereft to describe my experiences, it looks as though its derived from the same word of origin.

I understand the bereavement process and the process of major change or transition to be quite similar. The difference for me is that change or transition are, by and large, not final or absolute, whereas death is. Therefore bereaved isn't a word i personally use.

www.changetoolkit.org.uk/the-john-fisher-personal-transition-curve/

Not judging anyone's words, just giving my thoughts...I can understand why people would liken it to a bereavement, as its very personal to them and we cannot assume on their behalf.

Its difficult to convey and define, certainly.

When I lost my mum, someone told me they knew exactly how I felt because they'd lost their cat. I didn't think much of her either.

I understand the etymology. I understand that meanings evolve. I understand that two bereaved parents on this thread said they cant understand why people use that particular phrase about career loss.

Fortunately the english language is rich and most people here have eloquently and colourfully described their sense of loss without resorting to it.

No one should disrespect anyone else's experience whatever it is, by telling them they know exactly how they feel.

Let's agree on that.

And I do totally sympathise with the predicament many here have found themselves in.

I write but haven't been able to get my last two books published- and it feels more than that simple fact - it feels like the universe is saying 'fuck you, call yourself a fucking writer? you're a loser' etc etc ad nauseous.

ilovesooty and cory you have said everything I am thinking.

I've gone through anger and guilt and now I just feel sad.

Maybe one day I'll accept it. I doubt it at the moment!

Would you mind if I PMd you ilovesooty?

Not at all

Thank you for posting this. I've recently resigned from my job because of childcare costs and I've been feeling really down and upset about it. Friend basically said just go back to it when kids are at school but my job isn't that kind of job, you can't just pop back in after 5 years with a smile and a handshake. It took years to get where I was. Now I've left I'm confused as I'm not sure id want to go back anyway? Confused/upset/angry.
You are right OP and thank you for making me feel a bit less alone