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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu not to split holiday bill 50/50

107 replies

SM1234 · 08/08/2017 08:55

Hi, I'm new to this so please bear with me....

DP has 2DS and we are going on our first holiday all together, usually when it's just the 2 of us we split costs and expenses 50/50. Aibu not to do this when there are 4 of us (DS 12 & 14).

DP earns more than me but I'm happy to put in a bit extra but not 50/50 - what would be fair?

Thanks

OP posts:

Blanketdog · 08/08/2017 10:59

I'd be wary of the childcare element too. Actually unless I really got on well with his kids I wouldn't go!

Lweji · 08/08/2017 11:01

DS 12 & 14

childcare

Blanketdog · 08/08/2017 11:04

Definitely no if it's self catering - serious risk of being unpaid help!

Minkyfluffster · 08/08/2017 11:06

In your shoes I would probably offer 1/3 knowing that I only really owed 1/4.

Jux · 08/08/2017 11:07

Do you pay for them at other times?
Do you give him money so he can support them during the time he has them when you're not there?
When else do you pay for his children?

I thnk if you were to pay 1/4 or whatever covers your share, and then pay for one or two meals or treats for all of you while there, it would be more than fair. I am assuming that you and dp won't be counting every penny spent while there, and balancing things to the penny.

BarbaraofSeville · 08/08/2017 11:11

The OP will only be running round cooking and cleaning for her DP and the DSs is she is daft enough to do so.

If she has any sense she will do what normal people do on holiday - lay on a sun lounger and read a book, have a drink, go for a swim, walk or visit somewhere interesting.

If they are not AI in a hotel the shopping and washing up etc will be shared between the 4 of them.

Hissy · 08/08/2017 11:11

Why does he expect you to pay for his kids?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/08/2017 11:13

YANBU - his children, his cost. You should pay for your share.

PovertyPain · 08/08/2017 11:20

I don't think the OP and her bf have actually had the discussion yet. IT reads like she's just preparing herself for the 'what ifs'. Hope it works out for you OP and please don't be so keen to please your bf and his children that you end up as skivy on holiday. The boys are old enough that everyone works together, so you can all relax and have fun.

Viviennemary · 08/08/2017 11:22

I agree you shouldn't split 50/50 this time. Especially as you earn less than he does and his children will probably eat adult sized meals. And it will be quite a lot extra. No. Don't do it.

Tinkerbec · 08/08/2017 11:22

When we go away with my Dd. I just pay. He buys a few meals etc.

He buys me stuff during the year so it works out. Doesn't bother me though really.

HoHoHoHo · 08/08/2017 11:23

I don’t think that you should pay for his children. I think there is an argument for money being family money if finances are shared but I think that shared finances mean that the lower earner has the same security and spending money as the lower earner.

My DP has children and earns more than me. He also owns half a flat with his ex. I don’t own a property and am unlikely to inherit so I have a lot of saving to do if I ever want to. While DP treats me to things and pays more than 50% of costs for when we do things I don’t have the security of home ownership and have less spending money each month. I think that it would be immensely unfair for me to be expected to pay for the children in this case. Luckily DP agrees and he actually pays the whole travel and accommodation cost, including for me when we go on holiday with the children as he appreciates having another adult there and says I help look after the children so it is only fair. I treat the children to things and buy dinner while we are there etc. but is my choice to do so and it is not expected.

I think family money goes both way and sharing finances means sharing security as well as costs of children.

heidiwine · 08/08/2017 11:26

He pays for his kids. You pay for yourself. That's what we do. I often pay for some meals out on holiday/excursions/treats but I consider them to be gifts to the kids and my DP.
DP earns a lot more than me though...

Thesingingtoad · 08/08/2017 11:33

If he had 10 children, would you have to pay 50% then? Of course not.

I think he should pay their hotel and travel expenses, and you pay for yours but maybe pay for treats, excursions etc.

ishallconquerthat · 08/08/2017 11:39

Well, the OP is gone so it doesn't make any difference what I think or post here.

But yes, if a guy is entitled enough to think the OP should pay for HIS DC's holidays, I don't think it's such a leap to think he might want her to do a lot of the work too, and "share" the load of whatever it is that teenagers need on holiday.

But of course I may be completely wrong. Perhaps the DP is used to travel by himself with his DCs, and in this case my assumption is probably wrong. But I think it's never a bad thing to be wary of entitled people.

HollyBuckets · 08/08/2017 12:13

As you don't live together or share finances, I don't think it should be 50/50. You're not really a blended family, where the DC treat you & your DP's home as their own. If you were, then a 50/50 split (or proportionate to your incomes) would be fair.

Are there fixed travel costs involved? eg train or plan fares? If so, he should be paying for his DC. Are you staying in a hotel or villa, with the DC in a separate room - again, your DP should be paying for his DC

I think it would probably be OK for you & he to share 50/50 things such as eating put, food shopping for the 4 of you, excursions etc. But given that your DP earns more than you, and they're his DC, really, he should be volunteering to pay 2/3rds as a rule of thumb.

SteppingOnToes · 09/08/2017 07:24

I don't get the whole 2/3 thing - at 12 and 14 they aren't likely to qualify for free child places or eat kids meals. They will cost what an adult would cost (bar alcohol) so she should be paying 1/4 IMO.

CPtart · 09/08/2017 07:48

I have 12 and 14 year old boys. They eat as much as me. They cost adult prices for holidays. You shouldn't be out of pocket here, you pay 1/4, he pays the rest. You're setting a precedent here too going forward, be careful.

NeverTwerkNaked · 09/08/2017 07:51

DP would have paid for me and his kids in this situation (certainly he did on day trips). When he came with me and my kids on holiday I just paid for it all (as had booked it before we met). Either way, the other one of us would have probably paid for some meals out/treated the kids etc.

You paying 1/4 is fair.

ElChan03 · 09/08/2017 08:00

Even if you did live together it should not be expected that you pay for his DC. If you pay anything it should be voluntarily and not because it's expected. Had recent similar issue with DP DD new school uniform, because we live together he expected me to share the cost. When I asked my friends they shouted me down and said mum and dad should pay not Dad's gf.

amimadtoconsiderthis2017 · 09/08/2017 08:05

I'd expect him to pay for his kids himself

HashiAsLarry · 09/08/2017 08:10

I had a df in a similar situation a while back. DP earned significantly more but expected her to pay half (appreciate that may not be the case here). DF felt she was happy to pay for meals out and some days out for the DC, but not half towards their accomodation and travel and it all.

In the end she decided to say she was happy to pay 50% of what the accomodation and travel would have cost for just the two of them, he could make the difference up while still planning on discretionary spending for meals and days out. I think it worked out about a third.

TBH everyone thought that was more than fair, except her DP. Who huffed off on holiday with his DC paying 100% whilst DF had a lovely break with a friend that cost a lot less

user53592952153 · 09/08/2017 08:26

You should pay 1/4 because you don't all live together as a family.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/08/2017 08:29

He should pay for his kids.

Charlieiscool · 09/08/2017 08:31

If you were earning more than him then it would be decent of you to pay half for his children, assumimg your relationship is at that level of commitment. Since he earns significantly more and they are his children then you paying half is ridiculous and he is a tight bastard who is using you if he puts pressure on you for money.

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