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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

neighbour betrayal

93 replies

Diana37000 · 07/08/2017 04:51

really upset. Moved in 3 yrs ago. Widowed neighbour next door, nearly 70 but v.active and looks 50. Made friends, without being in each others' pockets. Told her lots of stuff in confidence. Have applied for planning permission for extension. Only she had objected, on an irrational basis, which doesn't even make sense to the council officer or builder. They advised us to chat to her. We tried this morning but she won't budge. Realise now that she was never a friend, just interested in gossip and knowing what was going on. Feel v hurt. Husband used this example to tell the kids never to trust anyone!!

OP posts:

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 07/08/2017 04:54

If council etc saying it's irrational objection will they uphold it??

araiwa · 07/08/2017 04:54

She has the right to object

Just because she objects doesnt mean the council will agree with her

echt · 07/08/2017 05:09

I don't get how she's betrayed you. Leaving aside the irrational nature of her objection which, if it is, will not be upheld, she has the right to protect her own interests.

As an instance, I have good relations with my NDN but it did not prevent me from objecting to their plans for renovation, which as it happens, would have been knocked back by council. The point is, they did not take umbrage, and I am still on good terms with them.

nikiforov · 07/08/2017 05:20

Maybe she's concerned it'll somehow lower the value of her own property. She's allowed to object.

Is there another reason you've stopped trusting her and turned your kids against her?

aurynne · 07/08/2017 05:39

I very much doubt it is "irrational".

There will be a reason, and if instead of whingeing about it you actually consider yourself her real friend, you would try to understand her.

notquiteruralbliss · 07/08/2017 05:54

Did you not discuss your extension plans with her first? We discussed ours with NDN before submitting and made revisions to ensure they were happy.

olliegarchy99 · 07/08/2017 06:09

what not quite said
My NDN submitted a plan for a huge extension shortly after they moved in without mentioning it to me and the first I knew of it was the planning notice on the gate. Admittedly they had been a bit off and 'all about them' after they moved in and as the two houses share an access road it did impact on me considerably. They have done nothing to repair the damage from heavy vehicles!
A little consideration and consultation before you request planning permission goes a very long way.
She could be hurt and feeling ignored. Do talk to her and reassure her (my neighbours never did apologise and their subsequent actions just reinforced how selfish and uncaring they are).

lidoshuffle · 07/08/2017 06:35

Teaching your children never to trust anyone because your neighbour has concerns (you say irrational; maybe, maybe not) about an extension seems a bit over the top.

newdaylight · 07/08/2017 06:44

Betrayal? What??

SpartacusSaiman · 07/08/2017 06:44

Your husband is being a dick in this situation. He could use it to teach the kids how that you can disagree with people and still get on.

The only irrational behaviour pi see here pis you and your husbands. She does not have to sit back and voice objections because you are friends.

If you were a friend you want her to.

SpartacusSaiman · 07/08/2017 06:45

Oh and its not a betrayl

wowfudge · 07/08/2017 06:49

She has the right to object. You don't have to fall out over it. Did you tell her your plans before making the planning application? If her objection is irrational, it won't stand up and won't stop you from getting planning permission. Btw - your neighbour may be feeling hurt that you have decided to build an extension which impacts on her, etc, etc.

RaymondinaReddington · 07/08/2017 06:53

Agree with the posters above. So she has a different opinion to you. That's not a betrayal.

She's 70 and (in my experience)people of that she can be easily upset by planning apllications. THe council will only reject abdvapplicationif the objections are reasonable. You will want to keep her on side while you do any work.
Don't blow this out of proportion and go back to cordial relations without overinvesting yourself - i.e. no more sharing of sensitive information.

RaymondinaReddington · 07/08/2017 06:54

... agree that your husband sounds like a bit of a dick in his dealings with the children. All calm down.

SleepFreeZone · 07/08/2017 06:56

She can object but the council won't necessarily uphold her objection. I wouldn't worry about it.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 07/08/2017 06:57

Perhaps she doesnt want a summer of hellish builders?

yes, NDNs I'm looking at you, and NDSs the other side, and the people over the road

DressedCrab · 07/08/2017 07:02

Your husband needs to get a grip. She's entitled to object if it's going to disturb her. Maybe she feels you are betraying her.

Anatidae · 07/08/2017 07:06

Did she bring the worried up when you discussed the plans before submitting them?

You did discuss with her before submitting them I assume? Because it would be massively unreasonable of you not to. We are hoping to do some work in a few years. We will of course talk to both sets of neighbours at the drawing stage and make sure both are totally happy and have no objections to our plans. We hope to live here for a long time and would rather adjust any plan than piss off our neighbours.

LadyLapsang · 07/08/2017 07:17

You and your husband sound like you lack insight / empathy. Your language about her being irrational and your DH's comment about never trusting anyone make me think you are pretty odd. Your extension may impact on her enjoyment of her property and the noise will certainly be a pain while it is built.

MagentaRocks · 07/08/2017 07:28

It's going to impact on your neighbours even if it is just the noise.

Saying it is a betrayal is a massive over reaction.

Quartz2208 · 07/08/2017 07:31

She hasnt betrayed you. She has simply put her needs first, yes her disliking it maybe irrational but it does not make it any less real. Very few friendships/relationships are so strong one party would sacrifice their own needs.

How did she find out, did you tell her, maybe she feels you broke the trust

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone · 07/08/2017 07:37

Husband used this example to tell the kids never to trust anyone!!

Seriously? She objected to planning.

Anatidae · 07/08/2017 07:47

If you didn't tell her and discuss prior to submitting the application, then you are the ones who have broken trust, not her.

Your husband is being g over dramatic and setting a terrible example to the kids. It's nothing to do with them and he is creating uneccessary drama and anxiety for them.

Go round, speak to her politely and respectfully and work through the objections.

greendale17 · 07/08/2017 07:52

So because she might have a few months of noise she has the right to object to an extension? Get a grip!

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2017 07:53

We had exactly the same thing happen to us with NDN. Dh went round with the plans and told them we were demolishing an old coal shed, which had been extended to form a utility and building a one storey extension. The one storey extension stuck out another meter than their house and ours is more set back than theirs as it's on a bend. They still objected. Her reasoning was that she wouldn't be able to see greenery out of her living room anymore as we had to remove part of the hedge to do it and it would kill her pyracantha (which it didn't). It was too far from their house to have any affect on light. We built it anyway and refused to amend the plans. She stopped speaking to us the moment we told them we were doing the work so changing our plans wouldn't have helped with neighbourly relations. She really couldn't see that their 2 storey extension looms far more over our house than our one storey ever could. She died earlier in the year, which is sad for her husband. I was sad as well as before this I thought we were friends. They made our lives awkward by parking their car infront of their house so the builders couldn't, returned flowers when sent and refused offers of window cleaning and car cleaning.

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