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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

neighbour betrayal

93 replies

Diana37000 · 07/08/2017 04:51

really upset. Moved in 3 yrs ago. Widowed neighbour next door, nearly 70 but v.active and looks 50. Made friends, without being in each others' pockets. Told her lots of stuff in confidence. Have applied for planning permission for extension. Only she had objected, on an irrational basis, which doesn't even make sense to the council officer or builder. They advised us to chat to her. We tried this morning but she won't budge. Realise now that she was never a friend, just interested in gossip and knowing what was going on. Feel v hurt. Husband used this example to tell the kids never to trust anyone!!

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/08/2017 11:30

I think you need to separate your friendship from her legitimate right to object. She may have thought it would not be made public. There are specific grounds upon which objections will be taken seriously , if you have anyone advising you on your project ask them to look it over and see if there is any room to reassure her or compromise.

KimmySchmidt1 · 07/08/2017 11:58

This reply has been deleted

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DonaldStott · 07/08/2017 12:16

Wow kimmy did you mean to be so offensive? People - especially old people!!! Bit of a sweeping generalisation.

Also warring neighbours are 'retarded' !!!!!

How horrid.

echt · 07/08/2017 12:34

She's 70 and (in my experience)people of that she can be easily upset by planning apllications. I'm guessing "age" is missing, but "easily"? So their opinions can be discounted because of being older?

OP refs to age, apparent age and liveliness - weird.

People (especially old people) get really crazy about property stuff

Lots of ageist shite.

OP still hasn't examined what the "irrational" objection was, which is a bit of a larf as she has been entirely irrational in confusing friendship with the perfect right to make objections to her planning. That would be a plan she hasn't detailed.

Diagram, please.

echt · 07/08/2017 12:35

Explained, not examined.

Booboobooboo84 · 07/08/2017 12:46

Well this seems like a bit of drama over nothing. She's entitled to object. She doesn't want you to have an extension and she's communicated that through the proper channels. So what her house is bigger that makes no difference. She has the right to object. You can be a bellend about it or you can be polite. Rather than moan on here and then moan that you've asked f your being unreasonable and getting upset when people say yes you are unreasonable.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2017 12:48

I think I understand what the op is saying, she was good friends with this woman, confided in her, and talked about the extension , the woman said nothing to her but formally objected. I can see why someone would be hurt by that,

Chapterandverse · 07/08/2017 12:58

I objected to plans for my SIL & BIL to build a house which would have been right on my doorstep.

Their kitchen window would've looked into my kitchen window!

They knew we objected, I told them to their face, as did dh.

Permission was turned down due to over crowding in the end...

Zarah123 · 07/08/2017 13:36

I thought this might be the case.

OP, she can object all she likes, but it's the council who decides.

I think you should repost this in the DIY/Property section, as you're just going to get people like Booboo here who want to have a go at you for no reason.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/property

TimeFliesWhenYoureHavingGin · 07/08/2017 13:51

From memory there has to be a certain amount of objections for your application to go to the planning committee and whilst the planning officer will have to consider any objections, they have to be valid points, I.e affecting light etc.

Your application won't be refused because of one objection unless it severely impacts on your neighbour.

I can understand you feeling hurt by this. I do however think your dh has gone WAY over the top, telling the kids not to trust anybody, seriously Hmm

Booboobooboo84 · 07/08/2017 14:09

Aw was I too mean @zarah123 she asked for an opinion and she got one several times. Her OP was bizarre what does age have to do with anything and her husbands response even more so. Trust no one kids because not everyone is going to bend over backwards to give you exactly what you want in life.

echt · 07/08/2017 14:12

Still waiting for the OP to say what her extension plans are and the nature the the NDN's "irrational " objections.

BlackandWhitepostcards · 07/08/2017 14:18

Op where are you based? Because my gran is going through something at the moment that sounds very similar and I'm wondering if you're her neighbour. The only thinks that makes me think you aren't is that you mention social media because my gran isn't on any social media.
My gran, after much soul searching, decided to object her neighbour's plans for an extension. She is poorly and does have a valid reason although I'm not sure that the neighbours agree that it's valid.

SpartacusSaiman · 07/08/2017 15:53

She hasnt betrayed you.

She decided to object and so did. She may have worried that saying it to you would have ended in an argument. Given the depth of your feelings over this, i can see her point. Especially since you have told her 'it means the world to you' and how it will 'improve your family life'

Fact is, if her objections are upheld you will need to compromise. As much as your extension means to you, she has the right to object if she feels it will impact her. The size of her house is not relevant, in the slightest.

You need to not take things so personally and you can not pin your dhs behavioir on the neighbour.

blankface · 07/08/2017 16:08

I do not know if the council will listen to anyone if there is an objection. I assumed any objection would be able to stop the work going ahead

Why on earth don't you familiarise yourself with the actual processes involved in planning permission and objection, instead of creating this unnecessary drama? It will be on your local council's website.

There are a set of criteria you have to abide by for an objection, simply not liking your NDNs plans will be laughed out of their office.

HipsterHunter · 07/08/2017 16:26

I assumed any objection would be able to stop the work going ahead.

How are you so uniformed of the planning process?

Quite frankly you sound paranoid and seriously unhinged.

Jaxhog · 07/08/2017 17:59

It's ALWAYS a good idea to talk to NDN about any extensions etc. so they can tell you about anything they're not happy with (however irrational). It saves a whole lot of trouble afterwards. It won't stop people objecting, but it IS something a friend would do.

She's probably thinking you're a shit for not telling her beforehand.

Jaxhog · 07/08/2017 18:09

I also can't believe that you feel betrayed by HER putting in an objection, when it is YOU who betrayed her by not having the courtesy to discuss your plans with her before putting in a planning application!

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to talk to you. I'd feel royally pissed off if I was your NDN.

With regard to objections, Council's have rules about what is/isn't allowed in applications. Just not liking the extension or the noise isn't enough.

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/08/2017 19:15

"I do not know if the council will listen to anyone if there is an objection. I assumed any objection would be able to stop the work going ahead."

It might be that objections are upheld and the planning proposal is either turned down or invited to amend certain aspects of the plan. It might be that objections are not upheld and the proposal is given planning consent, without amendment.

Can you tell us exactly what her objection was? Some of us may then be able to hazard a guess as to whether or not her objection will be upheld.

Anxietyreallyblows · 08/08/2017 09:21

She hasn't betrayed anyone. Though the plans may be good for you and your quality of life doesn't mean she should suck them up if they do the opposite for hers.

Did planning say it was irrational or do you? It's hard to see if she has a point and reas on and is exercising her right or if she's one of these that protests over nothing.

Your husband is a drama lama. His reaction does make me wonder if her request is that irrational.

If her request was fine then from the other side of hinges perhaps she wonders if your 'friendship' was just your way of keeping her sweet.

If she is irrational then it matters little and you could just ask her (though I suggest not doing this while you feel emotional about it). If it is seen as rational then you should consider that she has a right and point.

HeartburnCentral · 08/08/2017 09:26

What was her objections based on? What type of building work were you planning to do?

Allthebestnamesareused · 08/08/2017 09:48

What work are you planning?

What was her objection?

Let the MN jury decide.

Smudge100 · 08/08/2017 17:44

It could be worse. My neighbour, whom i considered a very good friend, was secretly having an affair with my DH. I came back from work one day to find them both gone. Then she sent me an email about three days later asking me if i'd got over the breakup of my marriage! That was five years ago, long enough for her to find out he's incorrigibly lazy and an alcoholic, i suppose. I would stop taking this so personally. The purpose of planning application notifications is to give people an opportunity to object. Just because she's a friend it doesn't mean she's waived the right to look after her own best interests.

LoislovesStewie · 08/08/2017 18:16

Look; I don't know what the extension is like or how it impacts on your NDN but ....she might be worried about noise,disruption, mess, will the extension overlook her house/garden. She is 70, she might have her home as she wants it and be concerned that all of those things will spoil her quiet enjoyment. She is entitled to object to the plans and yes your husband is behaving badly. She is innocent in this and he needs to stop being nasty. BTW I often note that building work takes much longer than we plan ,at 70 it might seem like an age.And some people are very sensitive to noise. Clearly I can only surmise, so you need to talk to her nicely.

Tapandgo · 08/08/2017 18:17

You apply for planning permission. (Your right)
She gave her views.( her right)
Planning will be decided by a committee when they weigh up the legality of the application and check if it meets all the conditions for planning to be agreed.
Your neighbours view is just one opinion and will be set against everything else.

Betrayal has nothing to do with it - and an odd interpretation.