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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

neighbour betrayal

93 replies

Diana37000 · 07/08/2017 04:51

really upset. Moved in 3 yrs ago. Widowed neighbour next door, nearly 70 but v.active and looks 50. Made friends, without being in each others' pockets. Told her lots of stuff in confidence. Have applied for planning permission for extension. Only she had objected, on an irrational basis, which doesn't even make sense to the council officer or builder. They advised us to chat to her. We tried this morning but she won't budge. Realise now that she was never a friend, just interested in gossip and knowing what was going on. Feel v hurt. Husband used this example to tell the kids never to trust anyone!!

OP posts:

Zarah123 · 07/08/2017 07:55

Maybe OP did talk to neighbour about extension, and then neighbour objected without discussing her concerns with OP? That could be why OP feels betrayed.

OP, surely it's up to the council to discuss her objection with her, not you?

rightsofwomen · 07/08/2017 07:57

She has every right to object to your extension, completely independently of your friendship.

I had the same with my neighbour. It was a difficult time, but we were mature and honest and all was fine in the end.

MagentaRocks · 07/08/2017 07:58

greendale I didn't say she had a right to complain because of the noise. Only that whatever happens will impact her. No need to tell me to get a grip.

I personally wouldn't object on those grounds but the op is massively over reacting about betrayal.

Zarah123 · 07/08/2017 08:00

I think OP understands that neighbour has the right to object!

If the neighbour's objection is nonsensical, then she could just be jealous or a busy body.

LIZS · 07/08/2017 08:04

If the grounds for her objection doesn't meet one of the criteria for complaint (parking, not in keeping etc) it won't influence the council's decision. Is her letter online? Better to work with her if possible though. If she's normally pleasant there must be something about what you propose which has made her uneasy.

Gazelda · 07/08/2017 08:06

So did you expect her not to object because you're friendly?

IdentifiesAsYoda · 07/08/2017 08:10

Did you talk to her before submitting plans

I think you need to cool the emotional temperature a bit. Betrayal is too strong a word. Inconvenience, yes, and annoying if you've talked to her and she gave no indication of concerns.

Some people are anxious about change both our (non-elderly) neighbours were concerned when we had works done. They were just a bit worried. Irrationally, yes.

One thing's for sure, if you get too emotional this will not go well

Babbitywabbit · 07/08/2017 08:10

It's impossible to say whether YABU just from what you've said. She may well have justified concerns.

Are you measuring friendship by the extent to which someone agrees with you and goes along with what you want? I'm Tending to agree with the poster who said you and your dh seem to lack an understanding of friendships and emotions....Did you assume that because the neighbour had been friendly, she would go along with whatever you want

IdentifiesAsYoda · 07/08/2017 08:12

Can you explain why her age, or the age she looks, is relevant?

IdentifiesAsYoda · 07/08/2017 08:15

If you did talk to her and she gave no indication of concerns, then it's maybe even more important you cool your emotions.

This could be because she wants to appraach this in a logical business-like way

CoughLaughFart · 07/08/2017 08:16

Imagine if you bought Chat or Take A Break because of the headline 'Betrayed by my own neighbour'. You'd want your money back when you flicked to page 19 and discovered she'd only objected to the extension.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 07/08/2017 08:17

*Cough8

Yes indeed. I'd at the very least expect it to be a story about neighbour sleeping with my father

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/08/2017 08:30

"If you didn't tell her and discuss prior to submitting the application, then you are the ones who have broken trust, not her."

Agree with this ^, but even if you had told her (and discussed any concerns) ahead of your application, she still has the right to object on the basis of her concerns ... and there is no need for her objection to cause an all out breakdown in neighbourly relations. That is part of the planning application process.

Her concerns are not irrational to her and you weren't her friend in the first place to be so dismissive of them. After all, if her objection is not valid, then it will not result in your application being turned down.

"Husband used this example to tell the kids never to trust anyone!!"

eddielizzard · 07/08/2017 08:40

bloody hell. she was being friendly! doesn't mean she has to support your ever action. maybe your extension is going to make her miserable. have you thought about how it'll impact her? and if she has reasonable grounds to object then you should accept that. if it's unreasonable, you'll still get planning. you have to live next door to her, so i;d take a massive breath and try and calm down.

bellabasset · 07/08/2017 08:50

My dsis and her neighbours in London have experienced many disruptions due to building work on terraced homes. Issues arise due to failure to get party wall consent, scaffolding over neighbouring property for several months, builders failing to clear up after them so neighbouring properties are covered in dust and dirt, clambering over neighbouring roofs when adding an extra floor. My dsis neighbour was left with concrete on her glass roof light in the kitchen, yet the builder power washing the brickwork next to my dsis not only covered the area surrounding the wall but washed neighbouring cars, he was an exception. Then there is the noise of builders working not only during the day but weekends and late into the night, owners altering properties before they move in.

Many people have concerns about additions to properties affecting the foundations of adjoining houses, digging basements and adding floors, taking light from neighbouring properties, being overlooked. So if you are having building work done it is reasonable to inform your neighbours and ensure you minimise any noise, mess and disruption, introduce your neighbour to the builders. Are you going to be around while the builders are working or will you and DH be out at work while the builders are there so your neighbour will be experiencing any noise?

Did you talk to your neighbour before submitting plans, if not that might explain her reluctance to discuss it with you now?

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/08/2017 09:21

An irrational complaint to a planning application that leaves you feeling betrayed does spark my imaginiation a bit. Was it along the lines of:
[Diana37000]'s home nursery business (which she runs shoddily) will be boosted by this new arrangement and as such I anticipate more guitars in fireplace, which is wholly unreasonable and will disrupt my cat sitting business. ?

Crunchymum · 07/08/2017 09:27

I wonder if the objection is as irrational as you think it is OP?

Betrayal? Allow me to hand you a grip.

RainbowPastel · 07/08/2017 09:44

Extensions can do funny things to people. Our neighbours growing up were like grandparents to us. Looked after us, bought us things, came shopping with us. Then my parents applied for an extension. Everything changed immediately. They objected to the extension. It caused a huge rift between us.

anchor9 · 07/08/2017 10:12

Husband used this example to tell the kids never to trust anyone!!

hopefully you are being hyperbolic

you are one of those neighbours, aren't you

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 10:15

Husband used this example to tell the kids never to trust anyone!!

Wow, is he always so OTT.

They have a legal right to object. Whether it will be listened to or upheld is down to the council.

Being your friend doesn't override that. It's daft to think it should.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 07/08/2017 10:16

Widowed neighbour next door, nearly 70 but v.active and looks 50

What exactly has this got to do with anything!?

IdentifiesAsYoda · 07/08/2017 10:17

Totally agree with Spartacus:

"Your husband is being a dick in this situation. He could use it to teach the kids how that you can disagree with people and still get on"

IdentifiesAsYoda · 07/08/2017 10:18

Piglet

Me too. Maybe introduced to suggest that, though aged and sad, we should not feel sorry for her

DonaldStott · 07/08/2017 10:20

Betrayal

She is 70 but looks 50 not sure what that has to do with the price of fish.

Original poster

Diana37000 · 07/08/2017 11:07

Thank you for your responses which try to understand and offer good advice suggestions. I have issues with my husband, which just makes it all worse. I do not know if the council will listen to anyone if there is an objection. I assumed any objection would be able to stop the work going ahead. I did speak to her, a lot about this. She has a much bigger house than me and I thought she understood how much this meant for me and improving my family life. It was she who did not tell me she had put in an objection. That's why I feel betrayed. I am not used to social media and really shocked at some of the vitriol.

OP posts:

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