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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have my dad give me away

81 replies

Toodlepip16 · 06/08/2017 20:46

Long story short, my dad moved 200+ miles away when I was 15 after splitting from my mum. Stayed in contact but was minimal, regular phone calls and the odd visit, no child maintenance was ever paid to my mum. Fast forward 12 years, and he moves back in the area when my DS was nearly two as he had no other real reason to stay he was living and he was missing out on his only grandchild growing up (fair play). Our relationship is amicable but strained, not close. I involve him in our lives so DS knows him as well as he knows other grandparents.

So, we have just set a date for our wedding, which is a small non-traditional wedding, close friends and family attending. Since telling my dad, his partner (who I have known for less than a year) has text to ask if my dad will be giving me away as it would mean the world to him. I (politely) replied that no he wouldn't be, as I didn't want anyone to give me away, I would be walking down the aisle with my DS, and I also don't think it would be fair on my DM as she brought me up for longer. She then replied a couple of times questioning my response and telling my how much it would mean to him.
In the end I made her realise it's my/our day and we are doing it how we want to, which she seemed to accept. However I have now heard nothing from them in a fortnight, except the one word response to my text regarding ceremony/time being confirmed, so I think he is being off with me.
AIBU or is he right to be disappointed??

OP posts:
Bezm · 06/08/2017 20:51

It's your day, do what you want, not what others expect!

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 06/08/2017 20:52

Your wedding your choice. Your choice is that your son (presumably now aged 14) will be walking you down the aisle. It's an unusual choice but if its what you want, then so be it.

However you will be aware that it is a tremendous snub to your father, people will talk about it, what's behind it, why you've done it, what he done etc etc . It is unlikely that your relationship with him will recover and it will probably damage his relationship with your son too.

Original poster
Toodlepip16 · 06/08/2017 20:57

Stilldrivingmebonkers
No my DS is 3. He isn't "giving me away", he's just walking down the aisle with me, and my DSD who is a 'bridesmaid'

OP posts:
talonofthehawk · 06/08/2017 21:00

If he wanted the privilege of walking you down the aisle, he should have been a better father.
YANBU

Original poster
Toodlepip16 · 06/08/2017 21:01

Also, I should add there will be none of my dads family there, except his mum who I am also not very close to. None of his family have ever bothered to be in our lives, and the rest of the people at the wedding know the circumstances so it shouldn't be a case of people wondering what has gone on

OP posts:
kate20091985 · 06/08/2017 21:02

My parents divorced when I was 3 and I saw my dad on weekends, but he also didn't pay child support and was always more interested in his new family. We've never been close so when I got married my older brother walked me down the aisle and gave a speech. I think it did affect my dad as he left early, but as others have said it is YOUR day, I don't feel guilty one bit!

indigox · 06/08/2017 21:02

After 12 years of nearly no relationship he's expecting too much.

Zarah123 · 06/08/2017 21:03

YANBU. I agree it would be unfair to you and your mum. He doesn't deserve the honour. He's lucky you keep him in your life.

Silverthorn · 06/08/2017 21:05

He reaps what he has sown or some such.
Yanbu and I'm sure you dm will appreciate it. Don't feel guilted into it. Feel free to lay a guilt trip right back. Or rise above it all. It's your and fdh day.

TriskelArts · 06/08/2017 21:06

I'm 45 and have been to dozens of weddings in several countries, and I can only think of three brides who thought 'being given away' by their father or equivalent was anything other than a weird patriarchal anachronism. I'm very fond of my dad and it never occurred to me to do this. It's 2017!

FadedRed · 06/08/2017 21:07

You are not a sixteen year old blushing virgin being handed over from the care of your parents to the care of your husband and master.
You are an adult woman with a child.
This is 2017 not 1817, sod what other people think you should do.
Hope you have a lovely day.

NancyJoan · 06/08/2017 21:07

I did a similar thing. Was planning to walk down the aisle by myself, but got a bit nervy on the morning and rang the best man to tell him I needed him to hold my hand and walk me to the front instead. My Dad never said anything ( our relationship has always been intermitent at best) but I imagine he minded a bit. I did the right thing for me, though.

Missrubyring · 06/08/2017 21:16

If he wanted the privilege of walking you down the aisle, he should have been a better father.

Absofuckinglutely this.
My father isn't giving me away at my wedding, he was absent, a let down and is honest to god the most selfish person I have ever met, and doesn't deserve to.
My awesome DB will be doing it instead.
It's your day, so have who you want, not who anyone thinks you should have.

Firsttimemama2017 · 06/08/2017 21:17

I am in a similar situation to you and am also unsure what to do.

I'm thinking of either walking alone or having my dad one side and my grandfather (mums dad) who I'm very close to the other side.

I'll be following this thread with interest!

Missrubyring · 06/08/2017 21:17

Oh Sad crossthrough fail.

Jijhebtseksmetezels · 06/08/2017 21:18

God no. If anyone it should be your mum as she is the one who has been there for you.

qumquat · 06/08/2017 21:19

I loved my dad to bits but if he were alive today I still wouldn't have him walk me down the aisle or give me away as I hate the symbolism. I think walking down the aisle with your son sounds brilliant.

umberellaonesie · 06/08/2017 21:19

I have been married twice. And my Dad didn't give me away either time. First wedding we walked into church together (bride and groom). Second time groom arrived at wedding, walking down the aisle to meet me ( although no aisle as it was outdoors and he walked from his mum with a piper . We didn't have speeches at either wedding also. Do what you want your day.

qumquat · 06/08/2017 21:20

I've also been at weddings where the mum or the mum and dad together walk the bride down the aisle. Lots of options. Do what works for you.

Natsku · 06/08/2017 21:21

Fathers giving away the bride is a horrid symbolism anyway, brides aren't objects to be given away. My mum walked down the aisle with my dad, as equals, and if I ever get married I'll be doing the same.

In any case, its your wedding, do it your way.

Closetlibrarian · 06/08/2017 21:25

I walked myself down the aisle! I didn't feel I was anyone's to 'give away', least of all my father who was mostly absent from my life from the age of 12 (although he did support us financially and contributed to the cost of my wedding). I generally made it known to anyone who asked, however, that it wasn't about him, it was just that I didn't want anyone walking me down the aisle.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 06/08/2017 21:25

Apologies, your dating wasn't clear. At no point did I use the phrase 'give you away'. You did.

All I suggested is to be prepared for the questions that will undoubtedly ensue. I suppose you could nail it at the after party/wedding breakfast/reception or what ever and give reasons for your choices in the speeches, it'll save repeating yourself all night.

But in all honesty, you aren't close to him you aren't close to your paternal grandmother, you say his family don't bother with you - why are you bothering to keep up any form of contact? You don't seem to like anything or anyone from that side of the family.

TittyGolightly · 06/08/2017 21:28

You don't have to be given away. I walked down the aisle with my dad but was not given away - it's an awful hangover from days gone by.

Walk down the aisle with whoever you want to.

TestTubeTeen · 06/08/2017 21:33

Hmmm, how about you and your partner walk doen the aisle together with your DS as your joint page boy?

I would take care to explain that you are being non-traditional and making your wedding more modern, rather than snubbing your Dad. Will you be be non-trad in other ways, like not changing your name?

By walking down the aisle to your waiting groom you are still being quite trad. And it will look, publicly, like a snub.

Or have your Mum and Dad with you,

Or you and DP be at the door welcoming people to your wedding.

Maybe you actually want to snub your Dad, which seems sad when he is making an effort with your DS.

I'm not saying let him walk you down the aisle, hideous tradition, but make it less obvious by changing more aspects of the wedding.

erinaceus · 06/08/2017 21:34

his partner (who I have known for less than a year) has text to ask if my dad will be giving me away as it would mean the world to him. I (politely) replied that no he wouldn't be, as I didn't want anyone to give me away, I would be walking down the aisle with my DS, and I also don't think it would be fair on my DM as she brought me up for longer. She then replied a couple of times questioning my response and telling my how much it would mean to him.

This is quite strange on the part of your father's new partner. Surely this is a conversation between you and your father and you and your mother. I am not sure what your father's partner is doing questioning your decisions about your wedding.

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