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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not have my dad give me away

81 replies

Toodlepip16 · 06/08/2017 20:46

Long story short, my dad moved 200+ miles away when I was 15 after splitting from my mum. Stayed in contact but was minimal, regular phone calls and the odd visit, no child maintenance was ever paid to my mum. Fast forward 12 years, and he moves back in the area when my DS was nearly two as he had no other real reason to stay he was living and he was missing out on his only grandchild growing up (fair play). Our relationship is amicable but strained, not close. I involve him in our lives so DS knows him as well as he knows other grandparents.

So, we have just set a date for our wedding, which is a small non-traditional wedding, close friends and family attending. Since telling my dad, his partner (who I have known for less than a year) has text to ask if my dad will be giving me away as it would mean the world to him. I (politely) replied that no he wouldn't be, as I didn't want anyone to give me away, I would be walking down the aisle with my DS, and I also don't think it would be fair on my DM as she brought me up for longer. She then replied a couple of times questioning my response and telling my how much it would mean to him.
In the end I made her realise it's my/our day and we are doing it how we want to, which she seemed to accept. However I have now heard nothing from them in a fortnight, except the one word response to my text regarding ceremony/time being confirmed, so I think he is being off with me.
AIBU or is he right to be disappointed??

OP posts:
Decaffstilltastesweird · 06/08/2017 21:34

Yanbu. My dad was always in my life and my parents were still together when she sadly died. Even still, they both gave me away. My dad did walk me down the aisle but mainly because I was so nervous and he'd driven me to the church. My mum was already inside, but stood up to give me away during the service. I don't even know if I'd bother with that if I did it again. It does seem like a hangover from days gone by.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 06/08/2017 21:39

I absolutely get where you are coming from. I had little interest from my dad growing up, then in later years he married a woman who thought he was an amazing father Hmm and I never felt I could say anything for fear of sounding bitter. I am not married and my dad is no longer alive but I certainly wouldn't have wanted him to walk me down the aisle. You reap what you sow.

pomadas87 · 06/08/2017 21:39

I think it's telling that it's not actually your dad but his partner who is the one texting you - if he was that bothered surely he would be in touch to ask you himself? Is his partner more concerned about him having a 'traditional' role?

My advice is to stick to your original plan and don't worry what people think. I didn't have my dad give me away and it was the right thing to do. If people talk about it then let them! It doesn't matter. Best line I heard before my wedding was "the people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind"

dementedma · 06/08/2017 21:43

My dad was a lousy father. I asked him to give me awaybut he refused so my brother did it.

MargaretTwatyer · 06/08/2017 21:43

I think walking down the aisle with the children is a beautiful idea.

Go back to your Dad directly (not through his partner) and say, look, you're sorry if he is disappointed but you didn't think it would be a big deal to him and the children are expecting it now and you can't disappoint them, you're sure he'll understand. That's probably most diplomatic.

Have a lovely day.

ManicGirl · 06/08/2017 21:56

My relationship with my dad is very similar to yours OP. He had an affair, moved out when i was 11 and never paid any maintenance. He missed most of my teenage years and early twenties and then I got back in contact with him as I felt guilty that we hadn't spoken for years.
When I got married we had a traditional wedding and I felt compelled to have him walk me down the aisle. He gave a speech as well. This was 11 years ago and it is my biggest regret from my wedding day that I did this when he had had so little involvement in my life. From his speech it was obvious he had no idea about me or my husband's lives. Don't do it.

qumquat · 06/08/2017 22:00

I really don't think him not walking you down the aisle will cause any comment at all. Most people there will surely know he hasn't played a major role in your life. In your situation is being more surprises if he did walk you down the aisle.

Mysteriouscurle · 06/08/2017 22:03

If he hardly ever saw you and didnt pay maintenance im not sure what relationship there is to be recovered anyway. He chose his path and didnt bother with you. Why should he waltz in now and get the glamorous jobs. Stick to your guns. His partner needs to wind her interfering unpleasant neck in

Voiceforreason · 06/08/2017 22:11

Do not feel guilty at all op. My dear husband gave our eldest daughter away but when the youngest daughter got married she didn't want that in the ceremony. She walked down the aisle with her bridesmaid. No one was offended or upset because it was her choice and believe me she loved her dad dearly. Quite commonly done these days so don't give it another thought. Enjoy your day.

ButchyRestingFace · 06/08/2017 22:22

I wouldn't want my father to give me away, although I'm sure he'd fully shamelessly fully to. 🙄

I think your father probably does feel snubbed/hurt. Entirely his own fault of course, but emotions are a funny thing and we can't always control how we feel (though, of course, he can control his behaviour).

I think it might be a bit unrealistic not to expect him to be licking his wounds right now.

He might be indulging in nothing more than a pity party, but mixed in with that could be a dollop of genuine sadness at the situation he's created and can never truly repair.

justkeepswimmingg · 06/08/2017 22:41

My dad didn't give me away at my wedding. I didn't want him too, and didn't ask him too. I had an awful childhood thanks to him, and even though he's still in my life, we aren't close and can barely hold a conversation (same with him and my siblings). Don't feel pressured to follow the traditional wedding ways, do what you want and what makes you comfortable.

BannedFromNarnia · 06/08/2017 22:42

I have a very good relationship with my father (and my mother) and I walked in with my now-husband. I'm not a fucking parcel, I don't need giving to anyone. We started as we meant to go on.

My dad knew I think it's a really weird thing to do so it was no stress. I think it's madly cheeky of your dad to be expecting to walk you anywhere. Ask him for the xty billion pounds he owes your mam and then he can walk you where ever he likes.

Masonbee · 06/08/2017 22:52

Seconding the opinion that people may not necessarily view it as a public snub or ask you about it. It depends on your family and friends and their general expectations of a wedding. (possibly also how well people know your relationship with your dad.) I've been to a few where that tradition wasn't followed and tmk no one really mentioned it, although for some pp it appears it seems very strange. You are the best judge of how it will be viewed by your guests.

Fwiw I think it sounds like the right decision. A friend of mine had her mostly estranged dad walk her down the aisle and make a speech as her sister had got married the year before and he had done both things for her so my friend felt obligated to do the same (I didn't follow this logic myself, but hey, each family has its own dynamic!) She was directly in my line of sight for the speeches and she looked so deeply uncomfortable throughout, clearly just enduring it rather than enjoying it. I really felt for her and wondered if she regretted the decision later. Maybe not but if your gut feeling tells you not to, I'd listen to that rather than assume it will be better on the day

Congrats on the upcoming wedding

Moanyoldcow · 06/08/2017 23:05

I walked down the aisle alone, not only because I don't have a father but because I don't need to be given away. I wasn't short of uncles etc who would've been very please to do it.

No one asked me why - I think it's an odd idea that people will spend your wedding reception asking you why you walked down on your own - most people will just tell you you look beautiful!

Cacti · 06/08/2017 23:10

YANBU

I don't have the best relationship with my dad and when I get married it will be DS who walks me down the aisle.

It's a very outdated tradition anyway, I'm not some thing to be passed from one man to another! I like the family unit idea of having me, DP and DS together at the front when I walk in.

BreadZeppelin · 06/08/2017 23:15

YANBU and I imagine most people at the wedding will have some idea of your relationship with your father and not raise the subject.

I barely have a relationship with my father and he won't be giving me away. But because I'm a wuss I'll just walk on my own rather than asking anyone else to do it; itd be easy enough to say I've decided not to be given away, more awkward to say I want someone who isn't him!

YouCantArgueWithStupid · 06/08/2017 23:19

My stepdad "gave me away" because I knew it would mean the world to him and me. Nothing to do with being handed over to my husband. It was symbolic that he was the man that raised me

qumquat · 07/08/2017 05:26

youcantargueMy issue is more why it's the man that raised you who does it. Why not the woman? Especially as generally she's done a lot more of the raising.

Ginandplatonic · 07/08/2017 05:34

I had an excellent relationship with my (now sadly deceased) Dad - he was a fabulous father in every way, but he didn't give me away at my wedding. I think it's an awful tradition and the sooner it dies out the better. My father didn't own me any more than my husband does now.

I actually think it's important to challenge these "traditions" rather than blindly accept them because they form part of the "woman as subordinate to man" narrative that is prevalent in society.

OliviaBonas · 07/08/2017 06:01

YANBU - what you've planned sounds lovely and I would do the same in your shoes. You've been very diplomatic and your children will undoubtedly love having this role in your big day.

silkpyjamasallday · 07/08/2017 06:12

My DM was walked down the aisle by my uncle as she had a terrible relationship with her father (he had undiagnosed Bipolar and was horrible to my grandma and to his children) He didn't even come to their wedding in the end because he was offended not to be asked to do the giving away of the bride. Do you think your father would come if he isn't giving you away? And would you mind if he doesn't come to the wedding at all?

OrangeButton · 07/08/2017 06:29

He's probably disappointed because he feels that it's going to show everybody that he wasn't the best dad. He wants to pretend that his behaviour had no impact on your life. It's all about him, as it was when he left and had little contact..as it was when he moved back to be around his grandchild.

Your day, your way!

I didn't invite my father..but had my grandfather (his father) walk with me down the aisle. I really loved my grandfather so being accompanied by him was special. If I were to do it again, I'd either do it with the kids or alone.

ageofaquarium · 07/08/2017 06:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fertleby · 07/08/2017 06:41

YANBU

I walked myself down the Isle. No one commented at all. No funny looks. My dad was there but again I didn't like the thought of being given!

Isetan · 07/08/2017 06:41

His partner is doing his bidding but it does illustrate the state of your relationship with him. I think you need to very clear what you want from him as he appears to think differently.

At my mother's funeral my biological father started gushing about my DD and how much he wanted to meet her. I remember thinking (not saying), hell no, why would I allow DD to get attached to someone who ignored her mother for all of her life.

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