To not have my dad give me away

[Toodlepip16]

Long story short, my dad moved 200+ miles away when I was 15 after splitting from my mum. Stayed in contact but was minimal, regular phone calls and the odd visit, no child maintenance was ever paid to my mum. Fast forward 12 years, and he moves back in the area when my DS was nearly two as he had no other real reason to stay he was living and he was missing out on his only grandchild growing up (fair play). Our relationship is amicable but strained, not close. I involve him in our lives so DS knows him as well as he knows other grandparents.

So, we have just set a date for our wedding, which is a small non-traditional wedding, close friends and family attending. Since telling my dad, his partner (who I have known for less than a year) has text to ask if my dad will be giving me away as it would mean the world to him. I (politely) replied that no he wouldn't be, as I didn't want anyone to give me away, I would be walking down the aisle with my DS, and I also don't think it would be fair on my DM as she brought me up for longer. She then replied a couple of times questioning my response and telling my how much it would mean to him.
In the end I made her realise it's my/our day and we are doing it how we want to, which she seemed to accept. However I have now heard nothing from them in a fortnight, except the one word response to my text regarding ceremony/time being confirmed, so I think he is being off with me.
AIBU or is he right to be disappointed??

As others have said, lots of people are not given away by their father these days. I wasn't. I hate the symbolism of one man handing me to another. Instead I walked in with both my parents and out with my new husband. I much preferred the symbolism of moving from "old" family to new, and I wasn't treated like a chattel.

yanbu. My father was dead, however I still would have chosen to walk down the aisle myself.

My mother gave heaps of suggestions of men to walk me down the aisle, I just wanted to walk down on my own.

I got married last year. I have a great relationship with my dad, which is why I didn't want him to 'give me away'. I walked by myself, being a grown-up and all, and no one said anything. I asked beforehand if my dad would mind and he was surprised people still did it.

Agree that many people with great relationships wth their father choose not to be given away, just because it's outdated. No one gives the groom away, so why the bride?

Don't feel guilty, OP. Nothing wrong with your choice. It's a bit rude of your dad's partner to ask in his behalf - you wouldn't ask a friend if you can be a bridesmaid - but you dealt with it well and stood firm.

YANBU at all.

I'm in a similar situation. My mum and dad split up when I was young and he dipped in and out of my life whenever he pleased, never paid any maintenance etc. Some years ago he moved abroad (there is more to it but it's very outing) and we have a very strained relationship and only speak every once couple of months.

I'm getting married soon and he is not walking me down the isle, in fact I haven't actually formally invited him.

I completely get where you are coming from OP and it is your day, it's not about him giving himself a pat on the back because his fatherly duties have been fulfilled.

My father is pretty much of a selfish let down, so I didn't invite him to the wedding and my Mum walked me down the aisle.

I'm not a fucking package either and my husband has never treated me like one. Weird analogy.

So I got married and he didn't come. It was a fabulous day

Ah congrats on your wedding

Congratulations!

Congratulations on your wedding. I’m sorry your dad is a knob xxxx

Congratulations.
I was going to tell you my story of me refusing to let my dad give me away. But it seems to have all happened already.

Congratulations! Walking down the aisle with your son and DSD sounds incredibly special to me.

I have a great relationship with my dad and he didn’t “give me away”.
As my mum said “we aren’t giving you away we are sharing you”.

I hated the idea of the grand reveal where you walk in with your dad and everyone looks at him then looks and you and looks back again. I’d been ill and was very overweight and I didn’t want it to be all about how I looked.

I walked in with my now husband - It was what was right for us.

My father was an absent father , he did not pay any child support and only got in touch every few years. Therefore, I didn’t ask him to walk me down the aisle. In fact I didn’t even bother inviting him to my wedding.
I have absolutely no regrets.
Op, your father has just have to put up with it. If he has any sense, he will respect your wishes.

Who gives the groom away!

Congratulations!

I think your Dad showed his true colours, any person with half a brain would realise it's entirely up to you who or if anyone gives you away.

Congratulations!
Did he say why he wasn’t coming? Or did he just not turn up?

He didn’t even come?

Because you didn’t want him to walk down the aisle with you?

Honestly it shows just how deeply men feel they have the right to play central role in these awful patriarchal traditions, even where they have been derelict in actual hands in parenting and taking responsibility for their kids.

Glad you had a wonderful day.

So he wanted to show off being a "great dad" but no interest in actually being one.
Far better that someone like that isn't at your wedding.

Looks like you made the right call.

Congrats.

Parker - my bil's parents walked him down the isle. First time I'd seen it.

Oh well, he didn’t consider your feelings when he moved 200 miles away so don’t worry about his feelings. Normally I’d be one for keeping the peace but you definitely did the right thing.

Well, he can feel how he feels but YA completely NBU!

It's your wedding. Your dad hasn't been much of a dad to you - and this is what happens.

Actions have consequences. And his partner needs to keep out of it. She's asked; you've answered.

Oops, just seen your update. Congratulations - and you made the right call.

AIBU or is he right to be disappointed

Neither. YA absolutely NBU to do it your way, but it's also perfectly reasonable that he is disappointed. No matter how rubbish he was as a dad, he probably always expected to walk you down the aisle.