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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH needs to speak to DSSs mum (holiday issue)

92 replies

StepPholidayissue · 05/08/2017 20:58

I've namechanged in case I'm recognised.

DSS is 8.
DH and DSSs mum are supposed to have 50/50 contact where we have him every other weekend and a couple of nights a week during term time and half the holidays.
However we have been having DSS nearly every weekend and most evenings for about a year now.

So originally DH and DSSs mum and I agreed that DSS would alternate weeks during the summer holidays. But so far DSSs mum has only had him for one weekend this holidays.

DSSs mum was supposed to be picking him up tomorrow morning so they can go on holiday with her boyfriend on Monday. DSS has been really looking forward to this as he hasn't seen his mum much recently and she has promised to do all this great stuff with him.

DH left for a week away with work yesterday.

This afternoon DSSs mum called to say that she couldn't take DSS on holiday anymore due to an emergency with her boyfriend and she also can't have him at all this week.
I asked her to at least come and tell DSS in person but she wouldn't and ended up telling him over the phone. DSS was really upset and ran upstairs. I told her to call DH and talk about it with him.

Then later on I saw that a friend had been tagged in a post on Facebook by the boyfriend with a countdown to a holiday picture leaving tomorrow night saying how excited they were for their holiday.

So I was admittedly a bit sneaky and messaged the friend and casually asked about her holiday and who was going. She said that it is a big drinking / clubbing holiday and that boyfriend was bring his partner DSSs mum's name. (Friend doesn't know about my connection to them)

So I text DH and told/ showed him everything and said that I think he should talk to DSSs mum about this for DSSs sake because he is really upset and I don't think she had any intention of taking him on holiday. DH gave her money to spend on DSS for the holiday and I don't think we will be getting it back.

But DH doesn't want to speak to her because he doesn't want to rock the boat in case she won't let him have DSS any more. I told him he was condoning her rubbish treatment of DSS and he was noncommittal and said he might. But I doubt he will challenge her.

So am I being unreasonable to think DH needs to talk to her about it or should I just keep out of it (though it's hard when I'm here with a very upset little boy)

OP posts:

SnowiestMountain · 05/08/2017 21:01

Goodness that's awful of the mother, but it sounds like she wouldn't really care what your DH says and is happy to have her son off her hands.

Thank goodness he's lucky enough to have you & DH looking after him.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/08/2017 21:04

I am fairly certain that she will let DH have DSS too!

I think when he gets back you need to have a word or I'd call and say you aren't available this week so she will need to arrange childcare!

Ineededtonamechange · 05/08/2017 21:04

If I were him I'd be pushing for residency with occasional trips to DSS' Mum - for the sake of DSS who needs to know he is loved.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/08/2017 21:08

I think staying with you is probably the best thing for him. It sounds like he would not have been very welcome on any holiday with the mum and the boyfriend. You and your DH are a giving him the stability that all children need.

Allthewaves · 05/08/2017 21:11

I'd go for residency tbh. Give the poor child stability and that he's wanted

Lolabee · 05/08/2017 21:12

Selfish woman. (The mother not you op)

DD father is like this, now at nearly 10 she can't be bothered with him anymore. Thankfully my OH has stepped up to the plate much like it seems you have done.

I would document it in a diary and any other time she lets him down. That way IF there is ever any issues with custody then you can show evidence of twatishness on her part.
ExH has been away on foreign holidays three times this past year but won't even take dd to the park or anything like that. It's all about the new girlfriends (different one each holiday)

youarenotkiddingme · 05/08/2017 21:18

Your DH is nuts if he thinks pulling her up is going to suddenly mean she stops contact.

She's already not doing her 50% because it doesn't suit.

What dh needs to do is make sure he's not paying maintenance to her and providing a stable home for him.

Are you able to do some fun days out with him whilst his dads working away and his mums off on holiday?

Pollyanna9 · 05/08/2017 21:26

Poor little lad.

MyRedPepper · 05/08/2017 21:27

I would go for residency, ask for maintenance from the mum as well as VERY clear contact arrangements so that this poor child still gets to see his mum SOME of the time.

It won't change anything to the current arrangement by the sounds of it.
And this little boy might get a situation that will be a bit more stable.

Tbh I'm heartbroken for this child.

Foxglovesandsweetpeas · 05/08/2017 21:28

Stepholidayissue - you sound like a wonderful and caring stepmum. Poor little mite - hope you and his dad can do something nice with him this week to make up for his mum's shabby treatment of him. She should be really ashamed of herself.

Whatsername17 · 05/08/2017 21:32

You can't get involved. Not beyond trying to ensure your step son is OK and loved at your home. Your dh is his dad, he needs to step up and talk to the mother. He could talk to her from the pov that it might be time to review their arrangement as you currently have him a lot. She needs to know how devestated her son is that she has let him down. I don't get how a parent could treat their child this way. I enjoy a child free weekend now and then but not seeing my kids would kill me.

Serin · 05/08/2017 21:33

Poor lad. She doesn't deserve him.

I would collect all the evidence you can against her, keep the FB posts and record every time she lets him down and then apply for residency.

Would you be ok with FT residency OP?

Steviea88 · 05/08/2017 21:34

You sound like a wonderful stepmum and thank god you dds has you and his dad.

I would go for residency too, give him a stable loving home. Seems like mum has pushed him out in favour of her new boyfriend.

Msqueen33 · 05/08/2017 21:41

What a selfish bitch! Is the residency done through a court? I doubt she'd stop your dh seeing his son as she obviously likes doing her own thing. If she continues like this I'd go for full custody if you could. Poor little kid. She's taken your dh's money to go on a clubbing holiday and left her poor little boy behind.

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 05/08/2017 21:41

Oh god that nearly made me cry. Imagining that poor little boy running up to his room thinking that his mum doesn't want him to go on holiday with her anymore. And he'd been so looking forward to it. He's the same age as my youngest and I can't imagine how disappointed and upset he must be.

lookatyourwatchnow · 05/08/2017 21:48

What an absolute dick

WeatherDependent · 05/08/2017 21:58

Poor lad, I think you need to step in as primary residency then his mother can fit him in when it suits her.

A child needs a stable loving home not one which is only when convenient

Wallywobbles · 05/08/2017 22:07

A court will most likely continue the status quo. So if you were to want full residency you'd need to work out how to show how it really is. Then you go to court and ask for some cash too. The woman is a disgrace.

rageymcrageface · 05/08/2017 22:14

What a disgusting excuse for a human being, never mind "mum".

Tell your DP to get his finger out and stick up for his son. So what if she tries to stop him having DS (doubtful!) Then he goes to court and shows her up for the waste of space she is.

And in your position, if he doesn't, I'd be questioning how much respect I had for him.

abigcupoffuckyou · 05/08/2017 22:15

EOW and a night in the week is not 50/50, to start with.

And it makes no sense that he would be afraid she won't let him have the child when the issue is that she won't take the child!

Original poster

StepPholidayissue · 05/08/2017 22:16

The current contact arrangement was made through the court.

I wouldn't mind having DSS here full time. He is a lovely boy and he is here most of the time anyway.
But I don't know if DH would want to challenge it.

OP posts:

OutToGetYou · 05/08/2017 22:21

This EXACT same thing (except DSS was a bit older) happened with me and now-ex. The DM left him with us all the time and promised him holidays to Disney etc, and they never happened, she made plans which she cancelled (if she ever really made them) and ex once gave her £500 to take DSS on holiday and she didn't.

It won't get better. Whether he speaks to her or not. I got fed up as I kept being the one left 'holding the baby' - like you, ex was away with work a lot of the time and I would be the one trying to have a full time job but be there enough for DSS, or if I wasn't working being told 'well, it's not like you have anything else to do'. There were no other kids.

I hated the way his ex was always 'in' our lives by the fact we had to consider whether she was going to be reliable etc. And SO many of our plans got messed up by her actions. It was a big part of why I split up with him in the end.

Funnily enough, now they don't have me to rely on, DSS is with his DM a lot more.....

OutToGetYou · 05/08/2017 22:23

My ex also paid £500pm maints even though DSS was with us over 90% of the time but he refused to stop it or go back to court for different arrangements for the same reason as your DP - worried she would stop him seeing DSS, though on her history that seemed pretty unlikely.

Pollyanna9 · 05/08/2017 22:28

Why wouldn't DH want to challenge it?! It's his child! Doesn't he want the best for him and fuck the adult fallout???

ButchyRestingFace · 05/08/2017 22:30

But DH doesn't want to speak to her because he doesn't want to rock the boat in case she won't let him have DSS any more

There's about zero chance the boy's mother is going to want 100% custody herself.

Is it possible your husband is scared she'll say, "well, you take him permanently then", if he objects? And then he'd have full-time custody with no weekends off?

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