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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH needs to speak to DSSs mum (holiday issue)

92 replies

StepPholidayissue · 05/08/2017 20:58

I've namechanged in case I'm recognised.

DSS is 8.
DH and DSSs mum are supposed to have 50/50 contact where we have him every other weekend and a couple of nights a week during term time and half the holidays.
However we have been having DSS nearly every weekend and most evenings for about a year now.

So originally DH and DSSs mum and I agreed that DSS would alternate weeks during the summer holidays. But so far DSSs mum has only had him for one weekend this holidays.

DSSs mum was supposed to be picking him up tomorrow morning so they can go on holiday with her boyfriend on Monday. DSS has been really looking forward to this as he hasn't seen his mum much recently and she has promised to do all this great stuff with him.

DH left for a week away with work yesterday.

This afternoon DSSs mum called to say that she couldn't take DSS on holiday anymore due to an emergency with her boyfriend and she also can't have him at all this week.
I asked her to at least come and tell DSS in person but she wouldn't and ended up telling him over the phone. DSS was really upset and ran upstairs. I told her to call DH and talk about it with him.

Then later on I saw that a friend had been tagged in a post on Facebook by the boyfriend with a countdown to a holiday picture leaving tomorrow night saying how excited they were for their holiday.

So I was admittedly a bit sneaky and messaged the friend and casually asked about her holiday and who was going. She said that it is a big drinking / clubbing holiday and that boyfriend was bring his partner DSSs mum's name. (Friend doesn't know about my connection to them)

So I text DH and told/ showed him everything and said that I think he should talk to DSSs mum about this for DSSs sake because he is really upset and I don't think she had any intention of taking him on holiday. DH gave her money to spend on DSS for the holiday and I don't think we will be getting it back.

But DH doesn't want to speak to her because he doesn't want to rock the boat in case she won't let him have DSS any more. I told him he was condoning her rubbish treatment of DSS and he was noncommittal and said he might. But I doubt he will challenge her.

So am I being unreasonable to think DH needs to talk to her about it or should I just keep out of it (though it's hard when I'm here with a very upset little boy)

OP posts:
Hissy · 06/08/2017 22:33

What about your career progression? Have you parked your life for him?

What Would he do if you weren't there to do his childcare?

Original poster
StepPholidayissue · 06/08/2017 23:15

Currently I am working in what was my dream job however I am planning to give it up soon because I just don't get to see enough of DD particularly during the week and the job is just getting more and more stressful and the workload is just becoming too much.

I imagine if I wasn't around and DH couldn't care for him he would ask his parents.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 06/08/2017 23:34

Even if he's away - he should be sorting childcare - don't you see your making it easy for BOTH parents?

KarmaNoMore · 06/08/2017 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutToGetYou · 06/08/2017 23:52

Yeah, course Karma, of course. You're right. Hmm

He didn't need to "fight for his son", his son was with us 99% of the time, so ex decided not to go to law for that but just to leave it as it was. It was only me who suffered.

Don't try to make out I'm lying, I'm not. She is a nightmare. But step mums are not allowed to say that, are they?

MargaretTwatyer · 07/08/2017 00:00

Even if he's away - he should be sorting childcare - don't you see your making it easy for BOTH parents?

Er. Yeah. That would be really good for the poor boy wouldn't it? Mum doesn't want to go on holiday with you, Dad has to work and DSM insists he's put into childcare even though she's at home with DD. Of course the OP couldn't do that, poor boy would have felt no one wanted him.

GreenTulips · 07/08/2017 00:04

I agree but at the moment neither of his parents are there - so it's having the same effect anyway

I'm not saying OP shouldn't have him when she's not working but his parents should sort out his childcare when OP is working - DH should at least ask and not assume - he's not working 24 hours is he?

Mittens1969 · 07/08/2017 00:19

How awful of your DSS's mum to do that to him, to abandon him, after promising him a holiday, and then go on a clubbing holiday with your DH's money! The poor boy, and you're such a lovely stepmum! But you're definitely being taken advantage of to pick up the pieces and you do need to stand up for yourself.

Your DH also needs to step up to the plate and speak up for his DS.

RatsInTheWalls · 07/08/2017 00:37

I agree that your dh should say something.

We had a similar situation with my dh's ex and unreliability/holiday issues regarding dss. We secured residency through the courts and she didn't contest in the end. They have had no contact for years and tbh he's better off for it because she was consistently letting him down. He is far more settled and confident in himself now.

FeralBeryl · 07/08/2017 00:55

Oh no Sad
Thank God DSS has got such a wonderful step mum acting as his advocate.
Take your left foot, rotate your ankle, draw back your leg, then rapidly drive the whole foot firmly up the arse of your hopeless fucking DH.
Wtf is he thinking 'not wanting to rock the boat' That poor child. He really needs to step up - he's being absolutely ridiculous to think that challenging this would effect custody. Take her straight back to court if she threatens that. Evil woman. I hope she gets the shits on her first day there. And sunstroke. And mozzie bites.

ninja · 07/08/2017 07:39

karma trust me they will ask the child - they might not do what they say but they will ask.

OP i completely understand why your DH doesn't want to rock the boat, it may be that his ex would decide to contest it just to be awkward (and still get maintenance if there is any paid).

Neverknowing · 07/08/2017 08:03

Op. You sound like a truly great mother to him. I'm really glad you didn't do any of the things like put him in childcare etc. I imagine he's already feeling very abandoned and I think you showing him you love him is so so important.
I think some PPs are forgetting you probably do see him as your own son and that you do love him as well. It's your DH's job to speak to his ex and fight her in court because it's not 50/50 and I believe your DSS needs structure but I think you are doing the right thing by not punishing your DSS because his mum is an idiot.
I don't know if I could do what you're doing and be as good of a mother here. Honestly you're amazing!! Flowers

Hissy · 07/08/2017 08:07

Fwiw op, I think dss is really lucky to have you in his life, the fact that you are there for him and clearly love him will help him immensely

Your dh needs to fully recognise the sacrifices you are making in your life for him and for the family.

He really isn't putting in the same effort at all.

Original poster
StepPholidayissue · 08/08/2017 18:56

Thank you all
DSS is happier today I managed to leave work a little early so I took him for ice cream before we picked up DD.

I have spoken to DH again about it all and he has agree to talk about it when he comes back home but is still sounds a bit reluctant .

OP posts:
ImDoingLaundry · 08/08/2017 19:17

Sounds like you're doing the right thing, it's lovely DSS has you as an advocate!

Hope DH will come around and speak to his ex

minionsrule · 08/08/2017 19:35

Oh that poor boy, i know someone exactly like his bitch of a mother.
Totally agree that dh has to speak to her and let her know he knows she went on holiday..... and exactly how upset her ds was, not that she will care.
Sadly Dss will come to realise in time that his mum will always let him down but luckily he has others to dry his tears

Original poster
StepPholidayissue · 13/08/2017 22:43

DH arrived home yesterday. We then had a massive row last night over who should get a lie in this morning.
Today has been a bit awkward and tense between us so I haven't tried to talk to him about it because we are both already a bit grumpy and I won't get a straight answer.

OP posts:
RatsInTheWalls · 13/08/2017 22:49

Oh no OP sorry to hear that... how is dss doing? Has your dh spoken to him?

Sprinklestar · 14/08/2017 03:51

So you didn't even get a lie in as standard after you've looked after your little one alone all week, along with his son?! Bloody hell, OP! Get him kicked into touch. He saw you coming!

Temporary2002 · 14/08/2017 04:38

Your dss is very lucky to have you as part of his family. Flowers

Poor boy...ex sounds like a disgusting parent.
I doubt that the ex will take away any visiting from your dh, as it sounds like she doesn't care to spend time with her ds. Even if at first she tries to keep dss home with her (for a change) I get the impression from your posts that it would only be a matter of time before he is at your home every evening again and spending a lot of week-ends at your place. And besides, the courts are not going to show favouritism towards her, it is not fair to the child.

You should have got to have a lie in btw.

QuinoaKeen · 14/08/2017 04:48

You deserve a lie in and a medal 💐.

I hope his ex got sunburn, stomach flu and a jellyfish sting. What an awful person she is doing that to her child. Your poor DSS 😢.

TashaRomanoff · 14/08/2017 04:56

What an absolutely crappy parent she is. It seems like even if he did challenge her she wouldn't care. Personally I would take DSS out and spoil him and don't give a crap about his crap mom. He's lucky to have you and DH.

Want2bSupermum · 14/08/2017 05:01

My parents divorced with my sister and I living with our father and my brother was with our mother. After six months my brother was at our house all the time. After a year it was unofficial that my brother lived with us. My dad paid maintenance to my mother even though she saw my brother for about 4 days a year.

Don't force this. The courts are very wary to give fathers custody. Just say nothing and have him continue to stay with you. My father has said that the only thing he can't forgive my mother for is using my brother to get money out of him. She also claimed child benefit for all three of us even though none of us lived with her.

LindyHemming · 14/08/2017 05:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KimchiLaLa · 14/08/2017 06:27

OP I think him not wanting to challenge her because of "rocking the boat" is BS. Basically, he is either scared of her or he doesn't want full residency.

I would ask for your money towards this holiday back.