To think DH needs to speak to DSSs mum (holiday issue)

[StepPholidayissue]

I've namechanged in case I'm recognised.

DSS is 8.
DH and DSSs mum are supposed to have 50/50 contact where we have him every other weekend and a couple of nights a week during term time and half the holidays.
However we have been having DSS nearly every weekend and most evenings for about a year now.

So originally DH and DSSs mum and I agreed that DSS would alternate weeks during the summer holidays. But so far DSSs mum has only had him for one weekend this holidays.

DSSs mum was supposed to be picking him up tomorrow morning so they can go on holiday with her boyfriend on Monday. DSS has been really looking forward to this as he hasn't seen his mum much recently and she has promised to do all this great stuff with him.

DH left for a week away with work yesterday.

This afternoon DSSs mum called to say that she couldn't take DSS on holiday anymore due to an emergency with her boyfriend and she also can't have him at all this week.
I asked her to at least come and tell DSS in person but she wouldn't and ended up telling him over the phone. DSS was really upset and ran upstairs. I told her to call DH and talk about it with him.

Then later on I saw that a friend had been tagged in a post on Facebook by the boyfriend with a countdown to a holiday picture leaving tomorrow night saying how excited they were for their holiday.

So I was admittedly a bit sneaky and messaged the friend and casually asked about her holiday and who was going. She said that it is a big drinking / clubbing holiday and that boyfriend was bring his partner DSSs mum's name. (Friend doesn't know about my connection to them)

So I text DH and told/ showed him everything and said that I think he should talk to DSSs mum about this for DSSs sake because he is really upset and I don't think she had any intention of taking him on holiday. DH gave her money to spend on DSS for the holiday and I don't think we will be getting it back.

But DH doesn't want to speak to her because he doesn't want to rock the boat in case she won't let him have DSS any more. I told him he was condoning her rubbish treatment of DSS and he was noncommittal and said he might. But I doubt he will challenge her.

So am I being unreasonable to think DH needs to talk to her about it or should I just keep out of it (though it's hard when I'm here with a very upset little boy)

Courts deal in facts and evidence.

So they will simply look at emails and texts provided and statements showing what's been paid alongside the diary showing when ds has been at DF and DM house.
They will not change the order to anything other than 50:50 if mum challenges it.
But most judges are t daft enough not to see that DM only wants ds when csa is stopped or she has to pay it to the DF.

I think DH is worried that if he challenges her we will see less of DSS.

Dh needs to grow some. Leaving dss with you allows her to live the way she wants. There is no way she will cut dh visits because it would mean her having him 100% which clearly does not fit with her plans. She is a coward not telling him face to face about the holiday and is unbelievably cruel and selfish but.....she is his mum and he clearly loves her. Dh needs to step up and speak to her about this. Not only has she lied to dss but to dh too who has financed her jollyup. I would be suggesting a revisit to the judge for a realignment of custody arrangements. This wee lad needs the stability of your home. Maybe it will shake her up.

How bloody awful!! What a shame for the poor boy - a real slap in the face.

Isn't your DH bothered about how his son feels? Has he spoken to him?

Gather some evidence and arrange a solicitors appointment

are you able to look after you DSS this week? Both his mum and dad are expecting you to be able to. Do you work/are you on holiday etc.
You sound fab and very much like me when exh arranged to have DSS every school holiday - yet only had 28 days. The mug (me) is a teacher so ended up with DSS all holidays ..,

I can understand your dh not wanting to 'rock the boat'....but it's already 'rocking' considering DSS is the one that's paying the price for both his parents avoiding this issue.

What she's done is cruel. She's shown she can't put her son's best interests first, not regards contact and not emotionally.
She doesn't want the responsibility.
Where's the stability and security for him?

However we have been having DSS nearly every weekend and most evenings for about a year now
The precedent and routine has already been set
Have you changed his add with the gp/dentist/school to yours?
I would have done so by now if he's been effectively living with you full time.

I would think you stand a pretty good chance of a judge giving you full residency based on the past year:
~ Ex hasn't stuck to 50/50 nor offered an alternative that's in her dc best interests - so your dh has acted as primary carer
~ She hasn't provided any maintenance for the extra time he's been with you-so dh has already taken on full financial resp for dss
~ Other than this issue I assume DSS is otherwise well and thriving?

So it just needs formalising....along with maintenance from her.
Who currently receives the child benefit?

She might object but i think your dh's case is stronger

If you dh won't get serious about this....then maybe you could
take a step back from always being 'on hand' to facilitate things?

Sometimes we have to rock the boat to make it more stable in the long run.
My Ex put DD through similar though had it's own special twist, the long and short of it being he wanted a sparkly DD to show off, but didn't want to put the graft in.
He had minimal contact for 18months then we gradually built back up again. At 13 she saw through him and refused all contact she is now the happiest she has ever been.

Thank you all for your advice.
Luckily I booked most of this week off because DH is away we have our DD together as well.
I have rung round and found some people to have him when I am working and someone to have DD so DSS and I can have a day out.

DSS is on and off upset I think he was still kind of hoping that his mum would turn up today despite what she said. I haven't told him she has gone on holiday without him.

He needs to challenge it! There's no chance the boys mum will stop contact, if it's been sorted in court she would have a tough time AND why would she? I bet she's loving having other people raise her son while she swans about doing whatever

This may sound harsh but why didn't you call your DH back from work to look after him? It sounds as though both he and DSS's mum have come to rely on you for childcare. Your DH's life isn't really impacted by this, is it? He gets his week away with work and you're left doing the donkey work. You sound lovely by the way, but it sounds to me as though you're being taken advantage of. I suspect DH would stand up to his ex quick smart if he didn't have you to pick up the pieces. What would have happened if you'd gone away with your DD this week? Who would have had DSS then?

I agree with sprinklestar

That poor kid!

The DM will only kick off about The money if your h cuts the maintenance

She won't kick off if you take the poor dss in and off her hands tho

I suspect DH would stand up to his ex quick smart if he didn't have you to pick up the pieces

Totally agree with this - sometimes you have to push them to understand their responsibilities!! First port of call should've been to put your DH out - he should be home to look after his DS - only then will her realize the bigger picture

What a fucking awful woman she is for doing this.

Your poor little dss. This is completely heartless behaviour on his mums part.

I am welling up a bit thinking about it. I mean really, fuck any person who does this

What a fucking selfish bitch!! I hope she gets a nasty bout of food poisoning!!

Jesus. What kind of arsehole does that to a child
Op, you sound lovely though, arranging a day to take your DSS out just you and him.

Op you sound lovely hope your dss knows just how much you love him!

Surely if you've had him full time for almost a year then the courts would grant you full time custody. His DM won't be able to say shit about you having him, just because he's the man doesn't mean she can stop him from seeing DSS.
I'm obviously not trained in law but I feel this must be true? And in that case She should be paying maintenance for her son. This is so shit for him and he needs structure in his life. Please please tell your DH to fight for him in court.

He is the RP! Just because she has a vagina does not mean she has control!

He can now deny access and tell her to take him to court! He pulls the stings and damn well should be to protect his child from this bitch!

You rock Op. He's lucky to have you.

Trouble is, the court would ask the child.

My ex didn't want to put DSS through that as, while even DSS knew that being with me and ex was better, more stable etc than being with his DM, he also knew his DM would be upset if he said he wanted to be with his DF.
And his DM would be upset, but mainly because that would mean no £500pm from the ex.
So, no-one would win in that scenario and the child would get hurt, no matter what happens he's going to feel he has let down one parent.

I haven't asked DH to come home from work because this is really important for his career progression and I can cope with the DCs.

If I couldn't have had DSS either DH would have had to come from work or we would have had to try and find someone to have him.