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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH needs to speak to DSSs mum (holiday issue)

92 replies

StepPholidayissue · 05/08/2017 20:58

I've namechanged in case I'm recognised.

DSS is 8.
DH and DSSs mum are supposed to have 50/50 contact where we have him every other weekend and a couple of nights a week during term time and half the holidays.
However we have been having DSS nearly every weekend and most evenings for about a year now.

So originally DH and DSSs mum and I agreed that DSS would alternate weeks during the summer holidays. But so far DSSs mum has only had him for one weekend this holidays.

DSSs mum was supposed to be picking him up tomorrow morning so they can go on holiday with her boyfriend on Monday. DSS has been really looking forward to this as he hasn't seen his mum much recently and she has promised to do all this great stuff with him.

DH left for a week away with work yesterday.

This afternoon DSSs mum called to say that she couldn't take DSS on holiday anymore due to an emergency with her boyfriend and she also can't have him at all this week.
I asked her to at least come and tell DSS in person but she wouldn't and ended up telling him over the phone. DSS was really upset and ran upstairs. I told her to call DH and talk about it with him.

Then later on I saw that a friend had been tagged in a post on Facebook by the boyfriend with a countdown to a holiday picture leaving tomorrow night saying how excited they were for their holiday.

So I was admittedly a bit sneaky and messaged the friend and casually asked about her holiday and who was going. She said that it is a big drinking / clubbing holiday and that boyfriend was bring his partner DSSs mum's name. (Friend doesn't know about my connection to them)

So I text DH and told/ showed him everything and said that I think he should talk to DSSs mum about this for DSSs sake because he is really upset and I don't think she had any intention of taking him on holiday. DH gave her money to spend on DSS for the holiday and I don't think we will be getting it back.

But DH doesn't want to speak to her because he doesn't want to rock the boat in case she won't let him have DSS any more. I told him he was condoning her rubbish treatment of DSS and he was noncommittal and said he might. But I doubt he will challenge her.

So am I being unreasonable to think DH needs to talk to her about it or should I just keep out of it (though it's hard when I'm here with a very upset little boy)

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 14/08/2017 15:39

I totally agree with Sprinklestar.

And your DH dares to row with you about a lie in after you have been looking after his DS all week.

He sees you as the hired help. And he thinks and takes it for for granted that childcare is your job because you have a vagina He is behaving appallingly as is his ex.

If it were me i would be telling him that maybe he and his ex are more well suited than he thinks.

I would be bloody furious in your shoes OP. Dont be used!

HelenaDove · 14/08/2017 15:40

And that poor lad. How can people be so cruel.

5rivers7hills · 14/08/2017 15:56

Hes not even seen his children whilst he has been away, and today he can't be fucked to get up with them?

Great Dad.

happygirly1 · 14/08/2017 16:39

Can I firstly just say you sound like a lovely lady and your DSS is very lucky to have you around.

It is so sad about his mother's behaviour, and must be heartbreaking for him - kids are more switched on that we often give them credit for and he must know it's not usual to spend this much time away from your mum, especially through her own choice. She will reap the rewards for her behaviour in the relationship she has with him as he gets older. And she'll only have herself to blame.

I understand why your DH doesn't want to rock the boat as he knows she still has the ability to stop contact and make things difficult (whether she WILL or not is another thing, without knowing her I don't think we can say what she would do). However, he needs to think about how best to resolve this situation for his son, as it clearly is causing upset all round the way it is and cannot stay this way. Something needs to change.

I would sit down together and look at your options for altering the custody split or managing an informal change to arrangements. Even if it's agreed by all to what it already is (i.e. spending 90% of time with dad), the knowledge of that arrangement will give stability, especially for your DSS as he won't be expecting to see his mum and so won't be let down (as much) by her absence.

Once again, you're doing so well in providing a loving, stable and supportive home in a disruptive, upsetting world for your DSS and that is a truly wonderful thing.

HelenaDove · 14/08/2017 16:47

happygirly Her DH doesnt even think she deserves a lie in and behaved like a kid himself arguing about it as well as seeing her as default childcare.

This hardly sounds like someone the OP could have a grown up discussion with.

Some of the attitudes to stepmums in general seem to verge from "what goes on regarding the step child is none of your business" to "suck up any old crap"

I dont see why the OP should just put up with this kind of shit

Im more annoyed with the DH than the ex after reading this Hes supposed to be her partner not her employer.

GreenTulips · 14/08/2017 16:50

You need to pitch your foot down and tell your DH he is responsible for arranging further childcare - in that you'll do some of availabale - you're making it easy

happygirly1 · 14/08/2017 17:00

@helenadove of course her DH has been a bit of an arse insensitive not giving her a lie in when she's been looking after the kids all week, but she knows that already. I wanted to add something constructive as opposed to just criticise him as that would just be pointless.

I most certainly wasn't insinuating she should just 'suck it up' either. Their childcare arrangement should be mutually decided of course. But I just wanted to give some practical advice on how they could deal with the current situation to make things better for all, especially her DSS.

Given she hasn't said she wants to leave her DH, I presume a conversation with him is a reasonable option.

Alittlepotofrosie · 14/08/2017 17:01

You sound like a truly amazing stepmum. Youre a star looking out for this little lad.

HelenaDove · 14/08/2017 17:06

happygirly i think hes behaved like an entitled knob. Its more than just insensitive.

mygorgeousmilo · 14/08/2017 17:38

Consult solicitor for full custody. Give him a happy and stable life

Original poster

StepPholidayissue · 14/08/2017 21:39

Thank you all for your posts.
DH felt he wanted the lie in yesterday because he was away with work for the week which involved lots of late nights and early mornings.

However today has been better between DH and I but worse overall.
DSS mum rang just after I got in from work. I warned her that DH and I knew she had gone on holiday but we haven't told DSS. She then hung up.

Then an hour later after DH arrived home DSS arrived at our house with presents for DSS of her holiday and tried to tell him that he was confused and she was never taking him on holiday. DH told her not to mess with his head and we all know what happened. Then DSS kicked off initially at DH for being mean to his mum. Then at both of them. Then he ran upstairs and wouldn't come out.

DSS tried to get him out by telling him that she would take him on holiday on the exact same week that we are taking him on holiday. DH told we to leave and stop playing games and she stormed out shouting. DH tried to get DSS out of his room but was just making it worse.
So we left DSS to calm down.

I eventually went up and he let me in but then completely broke down. It was really awful he was so upset he told me he didn't want to see his mum or DH ever again. I sat with him till he fell asleep.

DH and I have talked about it and he is going to start looking for a solicitor because we have never seen DSS be so angry and then so upset and even DH admits it can't go on like this anymore.

OP posts:

Alittlepotofrosie · 14/08/2017 21:50

My heart is breaking for that poor little boy. His dad needs to make sure dss knows he's there if he wants him, even if its not right now. At least one of his parents needs to be a stalwart in his life. It doesnt sound like his pathetic excuse for a mother is going to do it.

OutToGetYou · 14/08/2017 23:05

See if you can get the lad some counselling, the school should be able to help. Poor little fella.

HelenaDove · 14/08/2017 23:37

She tried to gaslight her own child. Shes emotionally abusive.

Hope your DH doesnt back down.

Want2bSupermum · 14/08/2017 23:45

You really need to get this child some counseling. The therapist can be called on by the court if needed (happened when my parents divorced) but most importantly it will help him process this now rather than later.

I would have your DH go to your GP and the school. It will further demonstrate your home being the RP.

PurpleDragon76 · 15/08/2017 00:37

That poor little lad. Don't think a child should have to see their mother behave that way. And in the nicest possible way as lovely as you sound, you aren't his parent, so to him its going to be very hurtful to have a week where neither mum or dad are there. I am glad he has you to fight his corner, nice he has a little sister to and here is hoping you get full custody so he can have a happy home life

HelenaDove · 15/08/2017 21:42

So has he made an appointment with a solicitor?

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