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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I was unbearably smug and insufferably stupid

76 replies

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 20:48

When I met DH i was very impressed by his job. And ny head was turned by the idea f being his girlfriend and then his wife.

Looking back there were so many red flags.

Nearly 2 decades on and I am trapped in a marriage I can't leave because of finances but mainly because I don't trust him alone with our children. I can just imagine him being on the front page of the Mail having killed himself and the kids.

I hate and despise my weak little shallow self for falling for it.

OP posts:
Painfulpain · 05/08/2017 20:51

Please don't torture yourself. It's a risk most people take. You have to stop beating yourself up and think of a plan for the future

Painfulpain · 05/08/2017 20:51

You can leave if that is what you want to do. You need to speak to a lawyer about finances

histinyhandsarefrozen · 05/08/2017 20:53

Hey...that's a really harsh way to look at yourself - I can hear someone who may have made a mistake but has paid over and over again for it.

How old are the dc? I feel counselling might help you feel stronger. Is that an option? You don't deserve this, op, and once you realise that, you might feel empowered enough to make change.

Havalina · 05/08/2017 20:54

We all fall for people in hindsight it was unwise to. It's easy to overlook red flags when overwhelmed by feelings. Do you want to expand?

AWomanOfSlenderMeans · 05/08/2017 20:54

Oh my goodness, I have no idea what to say to you, but didn't want to ignore your post. Some wise and helpful mumsnetters will come along soon and be able to give you some practical advice. What about Women's Aid? Please don't think there is no way out, there can be a solution even if it means some discomfort, inconvenience, drop in lifestyle etc.

Lolabee · 05/08/2017 20:54

Stupid maybe but so was I when I was younger.
ExH was great......on paper. It was only 3 years or so into the marriage that i woke up to the fact he was a controlling abusive twat. Took me another 4 years to get the guts to leave him, by which time dd was 3.

It's easy to look back and regret relationships and to some extent I regret mine. The ONLY thing I don't regret is the fact I have a fantastic daughter out of it which I wouldn't have had.
Turns out when I said ideas leaving my family were all for a party as I had woken up to his shit. Apparently when my dad had said at the church "it's not too late to back out" he was serious Shock

Original poster
smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 20:55

Thanks. The finances arent the main part. It is the worry that he would do something stupid to himself (bad) and to our children (unthinkable.)

So I stay and I know that others despise me for it.

OP posts:
Graphista · 05/08/2017 20:55

Love is a risk. For everyone.

Mn is littered with many of us that could say the same. My ex I thought was opposite to my alcoholic violent father. Instead he simply used more passive aggressive emotionally abusive techniques.

I'll probably get flamed for this but if you don't trust him to keep the kids safe, no matter what don't let him have them alone.

I've a friend in a similar situation who's ended up emigrating, changing her name and not having an online profile.

You can get out of this but please do so carefully and safely.

Lolabee · 05/08/2017 20:55
  • I was (sorry got autocorrected)
Painfulpain · 05/08/2017 21:02

Ok, he has either threatened to harm himself/the kids, or planted the idea in your head

This is a very very common tactic of abusive controlling men. I don't have enough knowledge to advise you. But lots of people escape these relationships. He needs to not know that you are leaving. You need to collect all your important documents etc. Please please post on the Relationship board. There are really amazing helpful women there, who can talk you through what you need to do

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/08/2017 21:05

Take the kids and leave!

dataandspot · 05/08/2017 21:15

All the best

She can't! She explains in her op.

Original poster
smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 21:15

Thanks. I've exhausted all the options. I'm stuck for the forseeable. Joke's on me.

OP posts:
InvisibleCities · 05/08/2017 21:16

Take the kids and leave!

Unless there is documented history of him abusing the children he will be allowed access to them, if not shared residency. That's what the OP is afraid of.

The "just take them and go" advice is simplistic. If she posts again after leaving, people will be telling her that she can't deny their children a father. It's a trap that more and more women are getting stuck in, and we may as well face up to it.

RandomMess · 05/08/2017 21:21

I would plan to leave via a refuge, literally disappear for as long as you can then allow supervised contact. I can understand if you want to wait until the DC are older and hopefully refute wanting a relationship with him Sad

Original poster
smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 21:22

Spot on invisible

Someone I know was married to a convicted paedophile and he still got access!

Besides I have nowhere to go.

I want to go back to a teenage me and shake her really hard.

OP posts:
Lolabee · 05/08/2017 21:23

If you pop over to relationships in the body and soul bit of MN there are some lovely people who will give you links and advice on how to escape your situation. (Not saying the people here aren't lovely or anything)

Original poster
smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 21:23

You can't have supervised contact just because you want it Random

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/08/2017 21:27

No but initialling you can request it, or at least buy time for him to force the issue and take you to court...

Original poster
smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 21:30

It honestly is not that simple.

OP posts:
MyRedPepper · 05/08/2017 21:35

Well, I, for one, do not think that you were smug and stupid at all (unless you are also saying that people who get married to partner who are Abused, physically or emotionally, were also smug and stupid.... which I'm pretty sure you don't believe at all)

I do think that it can take time for people to show their true colours and that things also sometimes change for the worse.
Plus you don't normally go and be on the lookout for red flags in people. We all start by assuming the best rather than the worst (otherwise, there is no way we would ever be able to build relationships with anyone)

Fwiw leaving a situation like this is VERY hard.
There are things you can do but it starts with looking after yourself, maybe seeing a counsellor, to help you figure out a plan and/or clarify what you CAN do (there is always something you can do, either to make things better whilst being together, or planning to leave or both of them together).

Original poster
smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 21:39

Thanks. It is frustating to think how life could have been. I can't leave. Believe me I have exhausted the options.

OP posts:
yourcarisnotadiscovery · 05/08/2017 21:40

Not your fault at all - it is very easy to fall for people like this especially when kind, caring people are chosen - we are easy to manipulate. You can leave and your children will be fine. He however might not be but that is not your problem. Please explore all avenues and think of your children too - I know it is not easy. Good luck

yourcarisnotadiscovery · 05/08/2017 21:40

You have not exhausted the options - he has made you think you have. You have the option to leave

YourHandInMyHand · 05/08/2017 21:49

I DO understand your (IMO rational) fear of allowing access after you split. I know families personally where an abuser has unsupervised access to his dcs. It is overly simplistic and naiive to think this doesn't happen.

However, I do know other families that have moved across the country for example, or gone via an out of area women's aid refuge for example.

It is scary but I don't like the thought of you resigning yourself to a lifetime of this. Have you had any time to talk with anyone eg a counsellor or women's aid worker?