Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think I was unbearably smug and insufferably stupid

76 replies

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 20:48

When I met DH i was very impressed by his job. And ny head was turned by the idea f being his girlfriend and then his wife.

Looking back there were so many red flags.

Nearly 2 decades on and I am trapped in a marriage I can't leave because of finances but mainly because I don't trust him alone with our children. I can just imagine him being on the front page of the Mail having killed himself and the kids.

I hate and despise my weak little shallow self for falling for it.

OP posts:

GuntyMcGee · 05/08/2017 21:50

OP, I don't believe for one minute that you've been smug and stupid.

Abusive relationships rely on one party ensuring that the other is oppressed and made to feel stupid, useless, unworthy.

Please (if you haven't already) speak to Women's Aid - they will be able to offer you advice relevant to your situation.

LostSight · 05/08/2017 21:51

You know OP, I look back too and wonder. Mine didn't start until I was pregnant (which I now know is classic) but looking back I should have left when pregnant with DS1, but I stayed and we had two more children.

BUT... we didn't have the internet then. We didn't have the relationships board and all the vipers who've been through it and would have told us to run for the hills. Goodness knows, I wish I had, but I didn't and the abusive behaviour took so long and was masked behind so many excuses that I didn't see it for what it was.

So I am in a similar situation, though perhaps mine isn't quite as bad as yours. But I too am looking and wondering how I can leave, and have concluded that it isn't really possible right now. But I now know that at some point, it may be possible and when I see an option that I know might bring it closer, I take it.

My eldest has left home, and though he had a bad time as a teen, he seems much happier now.

It seems to me that you are very brave and whatever mistakes you have made (because that is what they were) you are doing your very best. Would you beat up someone else for making a mistake when young? I know I wouldn't. So neither of us should blame ourselves now. Hang in there.

Original poster

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 21:54

Thanks. I have spoken to WA. They are kind but there isn't much they can do as the children are his too.

OP posts:

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 05/08/2017 21:57

Bide your time OP, your time will come.

Wallywobbles · 05/08/2017 22:02

Divorced when my DDs were 2&3. 2 weeks ago I got the result I'd been hoping for. The kids don't see him any more (their choice since aged 8&9) and he's lost parental responsibility. Been to court 6 times.

Courts will listen to younger kids. All you can do is prepare your kids to protect themselves. Do leave though. I have been gathering evidence against him for nearly a decade. Every bit that was excepted by the courts became a fact for the next time.

Good luck.

Original poster

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 22:09

Wally and how much damage could he have inflicted over the years?

The children would be at the bottom of a lake somewhere. I honestly believe this.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 05/08/2017 22:19

Do you document all indications that the children would end up dead or terribly harmed, Smugandstupid?

How old are the DCs - how long until they can all speak for themselves in family court?

alphajuliet123 · 05/08/2017 22:19

What a shit situation, I feel for you. What makes you mistrust him so strongly with the kids though, has he ever said that he'd hurt/kill them?

User02 · 05/08/2017 22:25

I dont want to throw cold water on you at all. I think you should leave and carry on life yourself and children. You can not live on the nerves of this forever.
I left. I was taken to court for access and the judge said no access and then I had all sorts happen, taxis, pizza, curry deliveries and then the horror of all Social Workers with a great tale that I dont feed children. I lived in a top floor flat you could not see in but those folks believed him and made my kids go through tests and he gained access illegally and assisted by SW.
You have to be so careful and cover your tracks. Make sure that he does not get to find out where you have gone.

pictish · 05/08/2017 22:28

Oh I am so sorry for you OP. Do you really think he is that calculated and vengeful? I guess you do...and you would know, you've spent 20 years with him.
I don't know what to advise. How old are the children?

LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/08/2017 22:28

OP why don't you trust him alone with your children?

You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Original poster

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 22:32

It is impossible to say. But I know what he is capable of and he can be dangerous.

OP posts:

Graceflorrick · 05/08/2017 22:38

You need to get him to leave you OP.

Have you looked at the research around family annihilators to see whether he fits the profile. It might be useful to consider whether there's a serious concern here.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/08/2017 22:38

Okay I understand, but if that's the case you need to take your children and leave, if I were in your situation I wouldn't be taking any chances.

Original poster

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 22:41

I'm not taking any chances Lobster

If I left he would be entitled to EOW and one evening a week with the children.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/08/2017 22:44

Do you really mean he has actually had his PR taken away, like taken away rather than had his ability to action it restricted and that was done without a step parent adoption? If so and you are in England or Wales I would very much welcome a PM convo with you if you are willing.

I run a domestic abuse service and for 20+ years have been tracking cases where this has been requested then granted or denied (usually denied as prior to hearing about you it's only happened a tiny handful of times in decades) I'm happy to explain why via PM

SlightlyJaded · 05/08/2017 22:48

Please get this moved to relationships.

There are people who have been in your situation
Who were scared to contact police because of their fear of repercussions
Who didn't want to call in lawyers because it might trigger rage/revenge attack
Who were scared to leave the children alone with their 'H' because they honestly thought he would harm them to get at them.

And there are still things you can do.

Get this post moved because you can't live like that for the rest of your life.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/08/2017 22:49

Smug

It may interest you to know that the number 1 reason I hear for not leaving the most damgerious situations) is 'I cannot protect my children if I am not there when he is with them'

That is by far the reason I hear more than anything else. It's a far cry from the 'but I love him' nonsense that everybody else seams to think is the reason.

Is there any way you can start up a evidence trail or take steps now to be able to show the risk in the future if you do feel able to leave.

As that can often mean leaving safely and minimising the risk to the kids via built up evidence

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/08/2017 22:50

And by is there any way what I really mean is do you feel able to because there are a great many ways to do it but you need to want to.

Original poster

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 22:52

It is very hard Not as he has not actually done anything tangible to the children. That doesn't mean he wouldn't.

Unfortunately he has a very dark side.

OP posts:

LetZygonsbeZygones · 05/08/2017 22:54

I can't give any practical advice re access but just wanted to say that no you were neither smug or stupid. You, like many of us, didn't get to see the person you married until you were married. Hindsight is bloody amazing. But at the time we take the risk that everyone getting married takes. For many of us, we look back and wish to high heaven we knew then what we learned later. Please don't judge yourself. You weren't to know. Often we don't see those red flag until too late. I hope if not now, then in the not too distant future you find some way out. You deserve more. I can't understand what sounds like a real fear. I hope someone can help. Xx

LetZygonsbeZygones · 05/08/2017 22:55

Sorry, that should read, I can understand what sounds like a real fear

counterpoint · 05/08/2017 23:01

Who is it that despises you for staying put, op?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/08/2017 23:11

OP my sister was married to a physically and mentally abusive psycho. She finally left because her daughter begged her to. I won't lie: he made her life a misery for a couple of years after, stalked and abused her, threatened any man who so much as looked at her. She was afraid to call the police. One night he sat in a car outside her house with his hunting rifle trained on her; her youngest noticed the little spot of light from the sight moving across the wall.

She sucked it up, she humoured the bastard, she played nice. Seven years on he has a girlfriend, she has a boyfriend, everyone behaves like an adult. And he has now asked if she wants to divorce: she was always afraid to ask him.

What I'm trying to say is that it has worked out okay in the end and everyone is really happy.

Original poster

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 23:13

You know how it goes counter 'LTB leave now why are you with him'

Tinkly that so wasn't a reassuring story!

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread