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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I was unbearably smug and insufferably stupid

76 replies

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 20:48

When I met DH i was very impressed by his job. And ny head was turned by the idea f being his girlfriend and then his wife.

Looking back there were so many red flags.

Nearly 2 decades on and I am trapped in a marriage I can't leave because of finances but mainly because I don't trust him alone with our children. I can just imagine him being on the front page of the Mail having killed himself and the kids.

I hate and despise my weak little shallow self for falling for it.

OP posts:

Weedsnseeds1 · 05/08/2017 23:18

What does he actually do? Document everything, screenshot any text messages etc. Save voicemail. Log any violence with police. Do you work? Is there anyone there that could take you for a while?
I had a work colleague and her child for 3 months at my house, she got a 10 year restraining order ( against him) based on his abusive messages, witnessed incidents of turning up at the house and kicking off, turning up at her work ( who called police).
You might find support amongst people you don't really count as friends. It's not as big an ask as you think for someone to offer a temporary sanctuary.

LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/08/2017 23:21

OP what were the red flags?

Original poster

smugandstupid · 05/08/2017 23:30

Very controlling mostly.

OP posts:

LoyaltyAndLobster · 05/08/2017 23:40

Sorry OP but I just don't know what other advice I can give, as we don't know the full story.

However I hope things get better for you.

ohtheholidays · 05/08/2017 23:46

Have you got any evidence OP?

Letters,emails,text messages,voicemail,if not has he ever threatened you or the children or been controlling and made you/your children or both feel scared in front of anyone else?

You don't say how old your children are and what they're relationship is like with they're Father but if they're a bit older and don't want to spend time with him then they do get a choice.You may have to go to court to get that choice put in place but it can be done.

If you are scared for yours/your childrens lifes please seek help from the WA,I've helped some ladies escape dangerous marriages in the past with Womens Aid help and they're Husbands had no idea where they'd gone,had no way of contacting them and didn't see the children again.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/08/2017 23:46

I'm sorry OP. I was just trying to say that it was worth it for my sister and all came right in the end. Basically my sister just sucked up all his nasty behaviour and always tried to deescalate. It drove me mad because I just wanted to see the bastard banged to rights or pay someone to do away with him. But she played the long game and it worked out so much better.

SendintheArdwolves · 06/08/2017 00:07

OP, I know you feel trapped, and it sounds like you really believe there is nothing you could possibly do to better your situation and get away from him.

There will be a way out. It won't be easy, but staying isn't easy either. And staying gets worse and worse, and escaping gets better and better.

You say you want to go back to your younger self and warn her. You can't do that, but you can do something about your present-day self. Imagine yourself in thirty years time, thinking "I wish I could go back 30 years and tell myself to get out before it got even worse". You are strong and resourceful and brave, and you can do this.

You need a plan. There are loads of people on these boards who have been through what you are experiencing, and they can help you make a plan, and put it into action. You can save yourself and your children and lead the happy, safe life you all deserve.

mathanxiety · 06/08/2017 03:47

You should document all instances of his controlling nature, and all interactions with the DCs on his part that are controlling/emotionally or psychologically abusive.

Keep a desk diary that has space for a paragraph at each date. Fill in details on the date. Hide the diary.

vikingprincess81 · 06/08/2017 03:58

Make sure you cover your tracks online too OP -wipe your history etc

LetZygonsbeZygones · 06/08/2017 11:02

sendintheArdwolves is right. My biggest regret in life was that I wasted 23 precious years of it married to a ignorant, scheming, thoroughly unpleasant bastard. 23 bloody years. I thought I didn't have what it took to get out, that I would never manage on my own etc. My situation wasn't the same as yours in that he didn't have a history of physical violence but my mental health and confidence were utterly shot.

Can you get this thread moved into Relationships? There are a lot of people with knowledge and experience of the sort of things you are fearful of and which are stopping you being able to leave. I am hoping that you will get some good advice. Please try wipe out any belief that you were smug and stupid for marrying this man. You totally weren't.

Original poster

smugandstupid · 06/08/2017 11:06

Thanks. I've posted in relationships before under a different name and they give WA links but I've already been in touch.

This is a particularly bad patch. We come through them though.

OP posts:

Tofutti · 06/08/2017 11:11

I don't trust him alone with our children.

Men like this rarely maintain regular contact with kids. He'll just move on to the next woman.

Sorry, OP, I think you're using this as an excuse. The kids living with this man 24/7, even under your eye, is much more insidiously poisonous to them.

Original poster

smugandstupid · 06/08/2017 11:14

You don't know my husband or you wouldn't make that comment.

OP posts:

ChampagneCommunist · 06/08/2017 11:16

How old are your children?

Tofutti · 06/08/2017 11:17

What is he like?

Original poster

smugandstupid · 06/08/2017 11:23

I have explained there is a possibility of harm to them. Children are young. The youngest is a baby really.

OP posts:

Waffles80 · 06/08/2017 14:20

Have you got / can you get evidence of his behaviour?

Waffles80 · 06/08/2017 14:20

Also, I'm just really really sorry you're going through this.

crazykitten20 · 06/08/2017 14:27

Horrible for you. What do you think would encourage him to look elsewhere and find someone else?

Original poster

smugandstupid · 06/08/2017 14:31

To be denied contact with his own children he would have to murder one of them I think

Don't worry. I can handle him.

I just wish I had walked away so many years ago. And now ironically I have fallen in love with the babies i never wanted to have so have to protect them!

OP posts:

LT1927 · 06/08/2017 14:42

OP - given how sure you are of the dangers to your DCs I would recommend reporting him to the police. Even if he hasn't done anything tangible to them, other things he may have done (to others, or to you) would mean that the police would take any possible threat seriously.

Obviously I don't know the full story or whether this is a feasible option but I think it is well worth considering.

LT1927 · 06/08/2017 14:44

Could you maybe start collecting some evidence/recording his behaviour?

Original poster

smugandstupid · 06/08/2017 14:50

I have. It doesn't matter. He is still entitled to contact.

OP posts:

SelmaAndJubjub · 06/08/2017 14:53

I am sorry to say this but, if he is that dangerous, staying with him is no protection either. Yes, separation is a high-risk time for men to murder children, but plenty of those killings take place in apparently stable relationships. So putting yourself through hell to protect the children may not be the best strategy.

You need a plan. If you are well-off, could you put money aside to see a kick-ass family lawyer in secret? (I realise this may not work if he is controlling about money). Also, try to gather as much evidence as you can. Texts, What's Apps, recorded voice mails are all admissible.

LT1927 · 06/08/2017 15:05

I'm not an expert but perhaps if the police were involved, there would only be supervised contact? So that he is never alone with them?

Very sorry you are going through this OP must be so so hard for you.

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