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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - You don't bring a toddler to a hen do?

967 replies

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 18:44

Okay, so maybe I'll be flamed by this but hopefully not.

Summary: I am organising hen do for good friend along with another friend of the bride. I don't really know the other friend, and I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc

Anyway I've worked really hard to try and organise everything - which is usually a nightmare anyway as people don't reply to confirm things etc etc, and have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out.

I've been out of action a little for a few days this week as I'm seven weeks pregnant and managed to get a bug that was going round, so I wasn't hot on messages and didn't see a few til yesterday.

The long and short of it is - despite everything being arranged, booked and paid for and taking place in two weeks, one of the women has now announced she will be bringing her toddler daughter and her partner because her daughter won't sleep unless she's there and her DP can't handle her tantrums when she gets hysterical, so they are both coming. DP will be there to watch her during the day at the accommodation, and they will all be coming to the meal on the friday night but we have to put the time back so it fits around her DD's feeding routine or something.

She also said she now needs a private room as she'll be with her DP and daughter - originally it's been organised in a beautiful converted barn and people are sharing, it was all previously discussed and agreed.

I'm a bit taken aback that I've just been told this - and the other woman who I'm organising it with has agreed - but it's too late for us to change the accommodation, I can't magic up an extra room and I think a toddler and partner at dinner is going to ruin the dynamic...

It's all a surprise for the bride so I haven't said anything to her as don't want to stress her out - my feeling is to go back and just say no, sorry this has all been prearranged as you know and this won't work....

Or am I being unfair?! I don't have children [yet] so I don't know if this is one of those things where actually people are going to say oh if her DD isn't sleeping then she has to work around that...

If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out...it just seems a bit weird?

Gah. I hate hen dos. I'm going to be busy for the next one, washing my hair or something.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

TittyGolightly · 05/08/2017 20:18

How have you worked out what kind of hen do the OP is organising?

From the OP:

"I don't really know many of the other women who are coming because they're from different groups - ie her work, her old saturday job, her neighbour etc"

So it's a big do, with lots of women that don't know each other.

"have sorted out some activities etc and some lovely accommodation as well as dinner for one of the nights and a night out."

So it's at least 2 nights away. And there are activities.

"If it was a quiet, chilled out one then maybe - but there's going to be the classic hen do games, drinking games, a night out..."

Doesn't take Hercule fucking Poirot, does it?

honeylulu · 05/08/2017 20:18

Your response is ideal. Have you sent it? Did she reply?

People who just tell you things rather than ask really get on my tits!

FuckyDuck · 05/08/2017 20:18

Hen do planning literally brings out THE WORST in some people!!

dowhatyouwish · 05/08/2017 20:19

Perfect response OP. The nervous of some people. Damn cheek. She should stay home if her DP can't cope for a night with his own baby, it's no one else's problem but hers.

iamdivergent · 05/08/2017 20:20

ivykaty44 · 05/08/2017 20:20

Just say that the hen party is not the setting for a toddler and male company isn't appropriate in the shared bedrooms, therefore you are sorry she won't be able to come

But ffs speak to her and ask her how entitled does she think she is?

JaniceBattersby · 05/08/2017 20:20

I bet she goes over your head to the bride and moans to her about it.

She sounds like a twat.

Nellyphants · 05/08/2017 20:20

I would 'accidently'. Send your response to all of the other attendees except the hen of course.

FrogsSitonLogs · 05/08/2017 20:21

Spot on OP.

hungoverhippo · 05/08/2017 20:21

How would this practically work?!?!!
If she's that concerned she should stay at home. People would understand that. People would not understand bringing your child and husband along to a hen do...nope.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 05/08/2017 20:21

Nope you are not being unreasonable in the slightest, your reply was very sensible and I hope the woman sees sense.I

Your hen party sounds fun and grown up and you are wise not to let toddlers or father's gatecrash the event. Some hens don't seem so bothered by the presence of young 'uns or indeed non participants trapped with them in cramped conditions. See my thread for how not to hen party! hen train hell

TidyDancer · 05/08/2017 20:23

OP that message is perfect. It's ridiculous to expect to be able to do what that guest wants to do. The decent compromise, as you have suggested, is to allow the woman to come to dinner and activities alone and the leave to spend time with her family. She does not get to make material changes to the weekend because her child is demanding and the father useless.

MrsPorth · 05/08/2017 20:24

I feel sorry for anyone with a clingy kid and a useless article for a DP (although she's probably complicit in both those things tbh). That doesn't mean, however, that I think the evening should be spoiled for the other guests by pandering to her.

TittyGolightly · 05/08/2017 20:24

I bet she goes over your head to the bride and moans to her about it.

Given the bride doesn't know about it, that wouldn't be clever!

fairgame84 · 05/08/2017 20:24

Just send her this.

fuckingbubbling · 05/08/2017 20:25

Some people really do think the world revolves around their fucking offspring don't they! 😂😂

BubbleLamp · 05/08/2017 20:26

Good work OP. What a fucking nut job.

The partner sounds like a dick if he can't cope with his own child for one night and thinks it's ok to gate crash a hen do like this. Some people...

pigeondujour · 05/08/2017 20:27

How glad are we all that these people exist though. I mean, shite to have to deal with, but fucking brilliant to be sat in your pants reading about on a Saturday evening.

Original poster

whyhastherumgone · 05/08/2017 20:27

she's seen it but not replied and now gone offline.... really hope shes not going to get all hysterical at the bride

OP posts:

CoraPirbright · 05/08/2017 20:27

I had missed that she had also demanded that the time of the dinner be changed to fit in with her feeding routine!! It beggars belief that she thinks that this is ok! Have you copied in your co-organiser? Might be worth doing that so she is kept in the loop and you can present a united front.

What's the betting she is spitting tacks in her reply to you?!

Lukeandlorelai4Ever · 05/08/2017 20:27

She sounds deranged

MadMags · 05/08/2017 20:29

Did you send it on a group message or something?!

CoraPirbright · 05/08/2017 20:30

fucking brilliant to be sat in your pants reading about on a Saturday evening

Pigeon!! I don't know what you are suggesting!! I, for one, am sat mumsnetting in a ball gown and tiara. Standards, y'know.

John4703 · 05/08/2017 20:30

SpottedGingham Sat 05-Aug-17 19:51:31
I bet he wouldn't be so keen to take his wife and toddler on a stag do!
I invited everyone at my work to my stag do, it was an evening getting very pissed in a pub who provided free food for us.

It was a brilliant evening with more females than males as none of the females had ever been invited to a stag do before and really wanted to be at one (there are great advantages of getting married for the second time when you are 57 years old)
There were no children present and none should ever be.

TurnipCake · 05/08/2017 20:31

I suspect she'll try to undermine you by the other person organising, or even the bride in desperation

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