Page 4 | To think baby groups aren't really necessary

BikeRunSki · 05/08/2017 20:13

Baby groups are not for babies, they are for the parents. I never expected my son to be able to swim, become a master yogi or make his own friends. I just wanted somewhere to go and speak to people who were also at the same place in life as me.NCT didn't really work for me, but I made some lifelong friends sat round a pile of 1980s Duplo and Fisher Price, where I could have a cup of tea and 3 biscuits (1 plain, 1 fancy, 1 chocolate) for £1.

UnaPalomaBlanca · 05/08/2017 20:17

They were necessary for my sanity. Moved to a new area when DS2 born. Enjoyed meeting other people; getting advice and information on local schools, services etc; getting out of the house. Was so grateful for them.

Unihorn · 05/08/2017 20:21

Cardibach because as I said, I have 3 SILs who are big into their NCT friends and have taken their children to baby groups for the past 4 years. From what they've described and from meeting some of their NCT friends (and mild Facebook stalking I admit ), I get the feeling it's not my scene. I also very often overhear parents in coffee shops talking about their children for the hour or whatever they are there. I know that's not indicative of every group, and I know how it must be easy to talk about children when first going out and meeting people as you know for sure you have that in common.

I have a stepdaughter in primary school and I also avoid the school gate conversations when picking her up and dropping her off. I don't judge others for it obviously, I just don't really feel comfortable making small talk.

I didn't say any of this in a negative or "superior" way. I also said I am CERTAIN that not all people do this. The OP asked a question and I responded by saying that they aren't necessary for me as I'm incredibly lucky to have parents and grandparents who I like to spend time with.

My parents were raised by their grandparents and I was raised by mine pretty much, due to work commitments. I would spend whole weekends roaming the woods about my grandparents house with my brothers. Because of that, it's just a done thing in my family to spend time with the rest of them.

Also on a slightly sadder note I'm very aware that my grandparents are in their 80s and I try to spend as much time with them with my daughter as possible.

demirose87 · 05/08/2017 20:26

They are good to get me out the house and have a chat and a cup of tea while the my kids mix with other kids, but I don't think they are as good for making "mummy friends" as some people make out. I find it never really goes beyond just chatting in the group and sometimes I can't really be bothered and just keep to myself.

Original poster

ProseccoMamam · 05/08/2017 20:27

@Laquila I suffer from huge anxiety issues along with a string of other mental illnesses. If you actually read my post you will see that I applauded mums for using baby groups as a form of therapy and I'm glad it has helped so many people. I asked if they were 'necessary' because my health visitor was trying to force me to go, TELLING me they WERE NECESSARY.

OP posts:

Elephant17 · 05/08/2017 20:31

Not a necessity but useful for many.

If I hadn't gone to any, my baby would have had no other babies to interact with. I do think being around other babies really helps their development, it certainly helps stimulate and inspire them in one way or another, my baby's always much more interested in eating when he's around other babies who are eating (still newish to solids) and always sleeps better after a few hours playing around other babies.

I prefer to meet up with friends independently, but I'd never have the friends with babies in the first place if I'd not been to some groups.

I'm rubbish at singing nursery rhymes and things, the music/singing/dance groups are great for helping them learn, the repetition etc. I'd never be able to do that sort of thing with him at home.

Elephant17 · 05/08/2017 20:33

Also helps them learn that they have to share

kel1234 · 05/08/2017 21:11

I wouldn't ever go to one personally, but each to their own. Just like I would never go to an antenatal class.
I find them pointless and not needed. But others do.

Allthebestnamesareused · 05/08/2017 21:12

They were a lifesaver for me when moving to a new area with a 6 month old as a SAHP. DS is now 16 and I still count 5 couples amongst our best friends having met the wives at 2 different groups, one couple is named as guardians in our Will.

However I had no family or friends living in the area when we moved there for my husband's job so it was important for me to establish a support network.

So for me I would say they were necessary. Each to their own though.

Noodledoodledoo · 05/08/2017 21:13

I have met some lovely people through them.

I have very few friends locally having moved to the area just prior to getting pregnant and not working locally.

I have no family locally.

Whether they helped with my childrens development who knows, lots of anecdotal evidence - one friend I know her DC could barely say a few words when my daughter of the same age was wittering away. Who knows why - mine went to nursery as I had to return to work my friend didn't, I did lots of groups as I would go mad sat at home, my friend was happy in her own company and with the kids at home. Oh and at my daughters 1 year check her communication scores were rubbish - to the point I was quite concerned she was behind.

Now a year later they are pretty similar so it could just be time!!

justkeepswimmingg · 05/08/2017 21:38

I wish I could enjoy baby groups, but I just couldn't. I tried really hard to make friends, and socialise with the other mums (for my sanity), but never felt welcome. I'm not the most outgoing person, and I have anxiety. I do hate being isolated and lonely, so made a big effort to push myself out my comfort zone. I haven't been to a baby/toddler group in over a year now. Toddler will be starting preschool in January, and baby will be 4 months by then (currently pregnant), so I do plan to try going to a baby group again in January. Hopefully it works out this time. I'd always suggest to new mums to give it ago, but don't feel pressured to continue going if you feel uncomfortable.

Malala · 05/08/2017 22:03

You have to shop around, like with anything, to know.

I used to go to one particular one, barely got past hello with anyone there and ended up feeling crushed and isolated when I left, but I went because DS enjoyed it so did it for him. Then I tried a different one, and I'm still friends with two mums I met 8 years ago, as are the DC friends with their DC. I went to one more recently, and DD and I both clicked with five or six new friends each in one hit. Maybe I'm getting better at them!

But obviously, some are crap and soul destroying, some you never know, you might make some friends for life - like anywhere really.

timeisnotaline · 05/08/2017 23:21

Maybe you should have specified are they essential for baby's development, not how you phrased it? You've never been to one. The way you put it, It sounds like me saying benefits aren't necessary because I've never been on them. Benefits are absolutely necessary, and I am lucky. YABU.

Dumdedumdum · 05/08/2017 23:55

I suspect your HV thought it would be good for you, not for your baby.
Unihorn I was the same, I'd rather go for a coffee and talk about normal stuff rather than baby poo and co-sleeping hmm I'm not just a mum!!
Where was I doing to find these people to go for coffees with during the day while on ML? Funnily enough my friends were at work, hence the need for "mum friends" - some of whom will stand the test of time, some won't.

Scotinoz · 06/08/2017 00:05

Not 'necessary', but I certainly find them good. Lots of stuff I wouldn't think of/have the patience to do at home, met some lovely people, change of scenery, gets me out of house (gave me good incentive to get me plus 2 small kids dressed and out of a shit rental house, mid winter during the first year back in the UK after 10 years), gave me a place to speak to other adults when I moved to a new country...

You have to shop around but I've made some life long friends through baby classes.

LinoleumBlownapart · 06/08/2017 00:32

It depends on your age, where you live, what your friendship group is, who you live with, how you are coping with motherhood, how social you are etc. I found two of the baby groups I went to with my first two children were a lifeline, one in a small village and one in a foreign city. I had school aged children and lived in my hometown and more friends with children when I had my third, so I found them less needed in my life.

chocolatemademefat · 06/08/2017 00:43

Depends on how many of the mums are already good friends. Some groups just aren't very welcoming. When my sons were young I tried for a long time both times to fit in then realised I was happier at home with my baby on my knee and daytime tv which even at its worst was often more interesting than the self absorbed nonsense I heard from some of the mums.

BurnThisDiscoDown · 06/08/2017 01:06

They made me feel worse tbh - I tried a couple, felt like an outsider and found the other mums quite competitive. I'd be feeling a bit wobbly about DS not sleeping or something and come away feeling like a failure because all of theirs slept through the night. I do have anxiety though, and suffered from post natal OCD so not sure how much that coloured my experiences.

SpikeGilesSandwich · 06/08/2017 01:06

From my point of view, baby groups are all about the baby. I hate that I have to talk to other people and have no interest in doing so but we have no family except aged relatives and I don't think it's healthy for my DS to be stuck in with me all the time.
It's good for him to learn to share and not grab other children's faces. He enjoys a different environment, lots of different toys and space to go a bit crazy. He loves watching the big children and it's nice to watch them interact with him. He sits up so sweetly at the table having his snack with the others.
I think I'm doing the right thing. I don't want him growing up antisocial and weird like me.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 06/08/2017 01:17

In my case, I'd class them as a lifesaver. I had a terrible birth with ds coupled with PnD and thought I was the worst parent ever. A woman from my ante-natal class persuaded me to go to one with her and it was the best decision I ever made. I've made some really close friends, had a lot of laughs and got involved in things I'd never have considered doing.

Mamabear4180 · 06/08/2017 01:38

Not necessary as long as you get out somewhere everyday IMO. It's good for you and baby to get fresh air, a change of scenery and new experiences. Personally I love toddler groups and go to 3-5 a week depending on the weather. I have 2 toddlers and honestly it's harder staying in than going out! I find it helps make a nice routine of being busy in the mornings and quiet afternoons. The social side is invaluable to many mums and I enjoy that too but I also sometimes find new groups where nobody knows me just so I can enjoy the kids on my own in a fun place for them. IME babies from the age of about 4 months start to get bored of watching you wash up and seem to need a bit more stimulation. There's plenty of options but toddler groups do tick all the boxes! On warm days it can be more beneficial to go for walks and get outside though. Occasionally groups have an outdoor space which are usually the most popular ones!

Hudson10 · 06/08/2017 01:46

Have you been, how did you find them? Good/bad experiences.

I found going to baby groups and toddler groups when they were both tiny kept me "sane."
I'd gone from full time working mum to SAHM.
Going to baby and toddler groups got me out meeting other people (even though in a town I'd only just moved to)
I also found it was somewhere the tiny people could go play with new equipment not old enough to engage with other babies at baby age whilst I could have a cup of tea.
Everybody happy. No-one staring at walls and baby out interacting.

Hudson10 · 06/08/2017 01:49

From my point of view, baby groups are all about the baby. I hate that I have to talk to other people and have no interest in doing so but we have no family except aged relatives and I don't think it's healthy for my DS to be stuck in with me all the time.

Agreed. I did it all for baby and if I made a friend, bonus!

Sashkin · 06/08/2017 03:30

My HV is obsessed with getting me to go to them too! She gives me leaflets every time I see her!

I do go to post-natal pilates and baby swimming, but I don't really want to sit around comparing developmental milestones with other mums. I still see quite a bit of all my pre-baby friends (and see a bit too much of my family and in-laws), and tbh I'd rather spend more quality time with just DS and me before I go back to work.

I'd probably feel differently if I lived somewhere more isolated, or if I was going to be a SAHM in the longer term.

emmyrose2000 · 06/08/2017 04:10

When DC1 was a couple of weeks old we went to his normal health check appointment. The nurse told me that a mum and baby group was starting up straight after our appointment. They ran them in six week blocks for brand new mums'. I stayed on for the meeting and was so glad.

After just the second week we were all meeting up for lunches, walks etc. Once the "official" six week block finished, we continued to use that time slot to meet at each others' houses until the kids went to school. 20 years later some of the ladies I met there are some of my closest friends. We've seen each other through both good and bad times (deaths of parents, death of a child, pregnancy loss, divorce etc).

OTOH, I hated actual playgroups. I'm not fond of routine anyway, and being expected to do singing at 10am, reading at 10.30 and morning tea at 11am just bored me to tears. I tried a few - one was run by a very nasty woman who really turned my (baby group) friend and I off. After that we stuck to our normal mum and baby group meetup friends.