Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Go home or wait until the party is over?

85 replies

MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 15:45

DH has just shouted and sworn at me all the way to his nephews birthday party. Every time we visit his family he gets really stressed and he's vile to me and I've had enough so I've dropped him and DD at the party and driven off. Not in a childish way, I genuinely do not want to spend the next few hours with him.

I also bought his DM and his nephews birthday presents and wrapped them without so much as a thank you.

I know he's expecting me to turn up and be all normal but I'm so sick of this. I'm now sat in Sainsbury's car park. I told him to take DD's car seat but he hasn't so I can't really go anywhere as we were meant to be staying at his Mum's tonight.

AIBU to contact him to say I'll hang around until the party is over and then I'm going to come and collect DD and take her home and he can do whatever he wants?

OP posts:
sonjadog · 05/08/2017 15:48

I think that sounds like a good idea.

waitforitfdear · 05/08/2017 15:49

How old is your dd? Swearing and shouting at you is grim especially when your dd is present?

Why is he stressed around his family?

ChasedByBees · 05/08/2017 15:50

Yes that seems fine.

Lj8893 · 05/08/2017 15:52

Yes I think that's a very good idea. He doesn't sound very nice.

Notreallyarsed · 05/08/2017 15:52

Every time? That's awful OP, you and your DD shouldn't be subjected to that. I'd refuse to go to any of his family events until he sorted out his attitude.

Trb17 · 05/08/2017 15:52

Wow what an arse he is. Your plan is very reasonable.

The larger question is why are you still with someone who mistreats you in front of your DD?

VladmirsPoutine · 05/08/2017 15:53

It sounds like a good idea in principle but what if he kicks off again and refuses. What will you do then?

kittybiscuits · 05/08/2017 15:54

Your idea is a good one. His behaviour is awful.

Genghi · 05/08/2017 15:59

My husband gets like this around his family too (they are judgemental pricks). I personally think space is a bad idea right now. Go to the party, pretend to be happy, stay over, and then tomorrow hash it out in the privacy of your own home.

Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 16:01

Thanks - I don't want to be one of the 'oh, but he's lovely most of the time' people but he is mostly.

The car had a mechanical issue and a warning came up, DD (8months today) had a poonami and then she cried for milk and he just got more and more stressed at having to stop three times and seemed to be blaming me for everything. I'm
Not having it.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 16:02

@Genghi I'm already in sainsbo's car park and dying for a wee and there is zero chance I'm walking in on my own.

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 05/08/2017 16:02

If a warning light and a baby with the shits is enough to cause that level of anger then he needs to be told pretty quickly to pack it in. There's no need to resort to swearing at your partner, in any situation.

kittybiscuits · 05/08/2017 16:04

He shouted and swore at you all the way to the party? In front of your baby daughter? That's abusive behaviour and indefensible. How long was the journey?

Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 16:04

@Notreallyarsed I totally agree and that's why I've put my foot down this time. I'm not there to be blamed for everything.

Well at least his DM likes her bday present - she's just sent me a text to say thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 16:06

@kittybiscuits it was an he and a half and he was ok until about the last 30 minutes but that's a massive amount of time to be had a go at for everything that isn't your fault, isn't it? It seemed it...

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 05/08/2017 16:06

Well done @MumsOnCrack, hopefully he realises that he was out of order and it doesn't happen again.

Creampastry · 05/08/2017 16:07

Why cant you walk in for a wee??

Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 16:09

I might see if the supermarket has a loo. Once I'm there his (very lovely) family won't let me leave.

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 05/08/2017 16:11

I'm sure Sainsbos will have a loo. They often have a restaurant - sounds like you could do with a cup of tea.

I think your plan sounds good - you need some time without him. Right now he sounds like an utter shit

Squeegle · 05/08/2017 16:13

I think you are doing the right thing. Be very calm but considered and just say to him I am not coming out with someone who is rude to me. If you can text MIL and say sorry not to be there but DH can tell you why. Then drop the car seat at the front door. He can work it out. I genuinely think this is the right way to let someone know they cannot behave like this. You cannot accept it. My ex was like this and I accepted it far too long.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 05/08/2017 16:15

What has happened in his family that it causes him so much stress - which he then takes out on you?

Did his brother/sister (parent of nephew) bully him? Was he abused, or treated less lovingly than his siblings? I'm wondering if there is more than he is letting on as you say this happens every time you visit his family. It may even be that something dreadful has happened that he doesn't consciously remember.

It certainly seems a totally over-the-top reaction to a family get-together.

Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 16:16

Thank you @Squeegle I'm going to look for tea. I've not cried but I'm really, really close. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 16:17

No I think he just gets stressed with the journey:driving and the logistics of taking a baby away for the night, packing up the car etc.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 05/08/2017 16:17

It's really really not okay. He needs to deal with himself. Be kind to you Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2017 16:20

Daughter of a narcissist here, I'm the scapegoat, brother is golden child. I get very tense when I see my mother. This last time, I saw my mother was also with my brother as we buried my stepdads ashes 2.5 weeks ago. And I knew I was going to be targeted and I was really really frightened of what was going to happen and how my brother was going to treat me. Dh had a whole week of my nit picking from the stress and I was unbearable to live with. After what happened at the burial, I am now no contact with my brother and I've told my mother to stay away. I'm struggling.

It sounds as if your dh is struggling for some reason too.

Are you sure his family are so very lovely and have always been lovely to him?