Go home or wait until the party is over?

[MumsOnCrack]

DH has just shouted and sworn at me all the way to his nephews birthday party. Every time we visit his family he gets really stressed and he's vile to me and I've had enough so I've dropped him and DD at the party and driven off. Not in a childish way, I genuinely do not want to spend the next few hours with him.

I also bought his DM and his nephews birthday presents and wrapped them without so much as a thank you.

I know he's expecting me to turn up and be all normal but I'm so sick of this. I'm now sat in Sainsbury's car park. I told him to take DD's car seat but he hasn't so I can't really go anywhere as we were meant to be staying at his Mum's tonight.

AIBU to contact him to say I'll hang around until the party is over and then I'm going to come and collect DD and take her home and he can do whatever he wants?

I wasn't driving @littlebird77 or I would have. He parked and took DD out but refused to take the car seat and I said I needed some time on my own and drove away.

He is turning it around op, he was the one swearing and he was the one losing control, not you.

You don't need any time out, he does.

This is pretty gross behaviour to be honest. The shouting and screaming in the car with your DD is awful - as well as the abuse, you could have been distracted enough to crash - and now he's humiliating you by giving a twisted version of events to his family? What a total bastard he is being!

I wouldn't be surprised is his mum sees straight through the line he spins.

OP - does he only swear and shout at you when stressed or does he do this at work?

If he doesn't do it at work, then he can control his temper/language when stressed, he just doesn't bother with you. The reason why he doesn't bother being polite to you when he's struggling with stress needs answering. If he can't or won't answer why you are the only one to be screamed at, then you should start making plans to leave. Thats no way for your DD to live.

He doesn't swear at work. I'm still waiting...

Go over, collect DD, go home.

I would make a point of pointing out the being able to control his behaviour with work colleagues so should be able to control it with you too thing. Perhaps not now. Just get DD and go home.

I'm trying but now he's saying his grandad put together a vintage dolls house so I should come and say thank you. What. A. Long. Wasted. Day.

Go get dd and go home. Tell him he can explain to his grandad why you don't wish to be in his company.

Did you collect your dd?

Yep and he decided to come home too. Now he's not speaking to me and his DM has messaged me to say that she's sad I humiliated him and also sad that my relationships with his family aren't strong enough that I'd put aside my anger to be with them on my nephew's special day.

Wtaf?! I'd be messaging his mum saying: I'll not be shouted and sworn at and disrespected by your son. My DD will not grow up thinking that this behaviour is acceptable or normal.

What's happening today OP?

I would be inclined to message her back and ask how exactly you 'humiliated' him. I would ask her how happy she would be spending time with someone who had abused them all day. I would also point out that she has only heard his side of the story and her interfering message is not going to strengthen the relationship between you.

And if he's sulking, tell him to return to mummy.

I've told her his behaviour was intolerable and I was not prepared to pretend I was fine and that this has zero to do with our relationships. She hasn't replied. She also suggested I book a Dr's appointment!?

I've told him to go, he said he would and now he's changed his mind. He's ignoring me and watching a film and playing with DD and I feel like shit.

Go out. Anywhere. Read a book in the park or something, just leave him to sulk.

A fucking Drs appointment, what the he'll for?
Is she implying that you might be depressed or something?
Silly cow!

I'd text her back and say you've booked a Dr's appointment for your husband so he can get some help for his anger issues. And then ignore any more texts from her.

As for your "D"H I'd be doing far more than bloody ignoring him. He'd needs to ship up or ship out!

Bloody hell OP he's a manipulative shite isn't he? Your MIL ought to wind her neck in, having raised such a sulky man child. You have done NOTHING wrong, he is the one who behaved appallingly. Yesterday I suggested an apology could smooth things over, but actually this sounds like it goes much deeper.
I'd be interested to see why she thinks you humiliated him (is swearing and shouting at your wife not humiliating?) and why the fuck you need a doctor? It's him that needs help, not you.

Oh dear. At least you cottoned on much faster than I did. I was very confused for over a decade long time. OH does exactly the same. There is so much going on here, I suspect you don't quite realise everything yet. I thought my IL's were lovely, as the years went by, life got less carefree and slowly more serious, various dc, serious age related and non age conditions on both sides. Her behaviour and expectations don't move with reality. I have spent enough time with them to realise they are compulsive liars. It is very easy to blame you for all this in MILs head, she dreams up a scenario and pass's it along to your OH, that's how Toxic families work and your OH will be in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) to his parents. I don't know the answers, or what to do, but understanding the dynamics stopped me wondering if I was mad. There is no reasoning with families like this and it will always be you that's the problem.

I've explained in no uncertain terms that I am not sorry for what I did and that I refuse to do what he wants if he has zero respect for me. If he wants me to skip along all happily to see his family he needs to make sure he's kind and I am actually happy.

@Monochromedog that made me laugh for the first time in days

Well done for standing firm.
His mum is probably shitting herself now worrying how much she'll see of her grandchild if you do split up.

Thank you @honeylulu it's the first time over done it and I'm a little bit proud of myself. I've told him he's a father now and needs to watch how he speaks to me in front of DD.

YY Well done for standing firm.
Though I disagree about her shitting herself, she just reworking the truth to fit her lies and coming up with a new angle. Strangest conversation on the phone with my MIL, huge, huge monumental fall out as I pointed out the truth, as it happened in my house, she paused for far to long, you could almost hear her brain ticking over before she told me her factually incorrect version. Very odd. They just won't accept it is their doing. OH's Uncle is the same, for various reasons I strongly suspect he pushed his SonIL out of his DD's and GCs lives, they split up. Very tactful we clearly don't belong together type message, he was leaving. MIL says of course he's having an affair, zero evidence. FIL drops down dead months later, looks like they're back together.