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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Go home or wait until the party is over?

85 replies

MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 15:45

DH has just shouted and sworn at me all the way to his nephews birthday party. Every time we visit his family he gets really stressed and he's vile to me and I've had enough so I've dropped him and DD at the party and driven off. Not in a childish way, I genuinely do not want to spend the next few hours with him.

I also bought his DM and his nephews birthday presents and wrapped them without so much as a thank you.

I know he's expecting me to turn up and be all normal but I'm so sick of this. I'm now sat in Sainsbury's car park. I told him to take DD's car seat but he hasn't so I can't really go anywhere as we were meant to be staying at his Mum's tonight.

AIBU to contact him to say I'll hang around until the party is over and then I'm going to come and collect DD and take her home and he can do whatever he wants?

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2017 16:21

Cross post. Really? Is that the only reason? He needs to handle his emotions better then.

craftsy · 05/08/2017 16:25

If his family are really lovely and he gets like this every time he sees them, there is likely to be some other, underlying reason. My ex could be a bit like this, seemingly blowing up for no reason when we had to attend certain events. I didn't realise it at the time but the reason was because he is an addict (at the time it was just alcohol) and the thought of attending an event where he knew he wouldn't be able to drink for hours during a time period that he would normally be drinking, was something he couldn't handle.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 05/08/2017 16:27

This really isn't ok. Nit picking is different from this abuse. Get yourself a cup of tea (maybe a cake) and take some time out. Consider going to Relate/some form of marriage counselling. They will usually see you by yourself is your nobhead 'd'H won't go with you. Sometimes you need to work out what you want to do next.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/08/2017 16:29

Does his family know exactly why you are not at the party? Do they care that he abuses his wife to relieve his frustration?

I'm surprised at his mum texting that she like her present. If I were your MiL I'd be giving my son a huge bollocking and telling you to come on over because he's been 'dealt with'.

Have your wee, then get yourself a nice cup of tea or a coffee. Sit and relax. But do ask yourself why you're with him. The true mark of a real man is how he treats his wife when no one is looking. Yours doesn't come off looking very good, does he?

SaveMeBarry · 05/08/2017 16:32

You're absolutely right to put your foot down MumsonCrack I think there are far too many people, men in particular, who believe they can take out their stress on their partner. None of us are obliged to be anyone's verbal punchbag! Maybe your reaction will give him pause for thought.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 05/08/2017 16:38

Go to the loo in sainsburys, it's hard to make decisions with a full bladder.

If they have tea and cake, even better.

Then text your DH that you'll pick up DD after the party. You aren't staying. He can tell his parents whatever he likes. You won't put up with being his verbal punchbag when he's stressed.

(I bet he manages not to swear, scream and shout at his boss/colleagues at work when stressed. He just thinks it's 'ok' to talk to you like that. He can control his temper, he is merely deciding it's not worth it round you. )

Beelzebop · 05/08/2017 16:44

Mummyoflittledragon is saying what I was thinking. I bet there's dodginess in the family. Not that that excuses his behaviour though. My DH does do it within a 20 mile radius of his DF, so we now avoid!

Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 16:51

Seriously, his family are lovely it's just he logistics that stress him out and he had a hangover from going out last night (we take it in turns and it was husband turn.)

OP posts:
Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 16:54

He's now saying I'm ruining his day and that he's shown his Mum all of our texts!? What an idiot.

OP posts:
diddl · 05/08/2017 17:01

How far away fro home are you?

Can you go home & collect both him & baby tomorrow?

How are you ruining his day-by texting him/by not being there & him having to explain?

Ceto · 05/08/2017 17:02

Tell him that makes you equal as he ruined yours hours ago.

Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 17:03

@Diddl I've not spent a night away from her yet and don't intend for it to happen like this!

OP posts:
Itsnotwhatitseems · 05/08/2017 17:05

the texts he has shown his family, surely show him in a bad light, why would he show himself in that way to his parents? Maybe a cry for help, to see if they thought he was in the wrong, it could be a good thing as he may be questioning his behavior, so as long as his family tell him its unacceptable to shout and swear at your wife in front of dd for no fault of the wife, I think it may be a turning point x

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2017 17:08

If he's showing all of the texts to his mother, his family have a lack of boundaries. And he has bad boundaries. That's not normal behaviour. Perhaps his family aren't like mine. Are they claustrophobic? Does your dh behave like this when you are going elsewhere?

SaveMeBarry · 05/08/2017 17:10

You're not bloody ruining his day he's at the flipping party, with his family, as planned. The only thing that's different to what he expected is that you're not there and given he spent half an hour ranting and cursing at you, you'd surely be forgiven for thinking he wasn't particularly enjoying your company! Hmm. As for showing his mum your texts, exactly how old is he??

He behaved badly Op but you're expected to just get over it and fall in line. Maybe this episode will help him to remember how to control himself in the future...

starving · 05/08/2017 17:11

Send him a text "Show your mum this text. There was no need to shout and swear at me all the way here. In front of dd too"

EnidButton · 05/08/2017 17:13

Ignore his texts, don't get into it right now.

Go and have a wee, get a cup of tea and a cake and have at least half an hour trying to relax.

EnidButton · 05/08/2017 17:14

And I agree he's being a big baby showing his Mum his texts. 🙄 What's she going to do? Ring your Mum and tell on you?

Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 17:14

Omfg now he's said sorry and that I have to go back because his Nan has a birthday present for me - from 3 months ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 17:15

My DM would give him a right bashing so I doubt it! I don't even think they've got each others numbers lol

OP posts:
Itsnotwhatitseems · 05/08/2017 17:17

send a link to this thread in your next text, so his mum can see the whole story

YoLoZammo · 05/08/2017 17:23

Does he often start on you when he is stressed about something? This does not bode well. If you don't draw a line now it will go on and it will get worse. Trust me.

I would go to the party, enjoy it with your DD and his family, stay away from him and go home tonight.

Original poster
MumsOnCrack · 05/08/2017 17:24

It's probably nearly over @yolozammo

OP posts:
littlebird77 · 05/08/2017 17:24

They are just trying to get you to go back by mentioning the gift from his Nan. I would collect my child, explain to his mother that he has been unreasonable and go home. Leave him there.

There is absolutely no way you can put up with this....I would have turned around or asked him to stop the car and called a taxi with dd home after the first outburst.

littlebird77 · 05/08/2017 17:26

The only way you are going to stop this from escalating is to put your foot down firmly now. It is abusive, and I agree with the other posts on here. Better to stop it now, then allow it to continue. You don't have to place nice, you can just draw up your red lines and stick to them.