To think doing all this is not the role of a SAHM

[goodFelicia]

Joint decision for me to be a SAHM so I could raise the dc and Dh could concentrate on career advancement-no friends. No family, no support. We went without a lot over the years but now he's got a good salary-I'm in the process of retraining with a view to part time work around the children.

I'm so fucking tired. I'd argue that H is damn lazy.

He works from home now-perhaps one or two days at meetings. He spends the majority of his time here

on the phone
Taking naps (sometimes 2 a day)
Messing up the kitchen and making fry ups and leaving shit everywhere- I stopped doing essential stuff including not cleaning his office or toilet and it got so bad that black mouldy grew on his toilet he didn't touch it and it doesn't bother him.

I look after the DC do all school runs/activities-including one DC who had an activity which requires 16 hours of training and weekend competitions away) I deal with all the admin/banking/house decor/DIY/cars/plans stuff for the family-I do it all.

I argued with him the other day and said that when I go back to work we'd have to divide up chores and he told me that was ridiculous and howbthe fuck do other families manage. I countered his incredulity with "the men get off their arses" and he sulked for days.

I'm so sick and tired and I'm so cross with myself for guilting myself into doing everything.

I've simply told him that when he clocks off from work he should clock onto family time and divide jobs equally and fairly. Even the DC have chores which they must do.

Surely this is fair?

Read wifework and get angry

Of course YANBU

You are not a domestic appliance / slave

Yep. Totally fair.

No idea what you should do as it sounds like youncould support yourself he you left, but you are not at all unreasonable amd he is extremely lazy and disgusting. That is very unattractive.

He's a lazy arse who thinks being a man means he doesn't have to involve himself in any domestic duties.
He has no respect for you at all.

I'm really angry
I don't want to get to the point where I'm working 28 hours away from the home then coming back to this.

I read excerpts of wife work.

I will divorce him if things don't change. Who are these families he's talking about?

I confided to a friend about this as she was astounded as he does not come across as a lazy twat at all.

I'm off to sort out the garden now so it will be safe for visiting children to go in next week.

Fuck

He's been "spoilt" for too long! You need to make it abundantly clear to him that the party's over and he now has to step up and start taking on his share of the work that you have been doing!

Couldn't agree more

I'm so turned off and find his behaviour repulsive.

I'm cross with myself but I think I can get over that. This is not different to how his father treats his mother.

It's gotten worse since he worked from home 2 years ago.

Before that I was with the DC on my own so just got on with it and was baffled by fellow SAHMs saying how lucky they were to be able to study/have hobbies/relax. Wtf?

I feel like my DP would leave stuff to go moldy if I didn't tidy up after him. He had the nerve to have a word with me because I decided to mow the lawn (we only have a smallish back garden and front garden.) and strim and generally tidy the garden up. Whilst 7months pregnant. I'd been on at him for weeks to do it and it hadn't been done so I did it myself.

The twice daily naps made me cross for you! I'd wake the lazy bugger up.

Doesn't work

Fluffy I Hoover and literally clang dustbin lids
He stays where he is.
I also put music on so loudly that the neighbours notice.

So other SAHM with 3 kids don't do what I do then?

I'm waiting for the raft of mothers and fathers who are going to tell me I'm the unreasonable one like H does.

Make a weekly rota of all chores and things that need doing (I know it is a project in itself!). Then divide it into weekly chunks. You both take turns. Essentially.
Another spreadsheet that calculates the cost of around the clock child care for DCs, cooking, cleaning, laundry and childminding for DCs hobbies etc plus school pick up and drop offs.
Tell him you have been doing it for free for ages. It is going to swallow twice his wages I am sure (unless he is a footballer which he isn't obviously).
That should bring him to his senses.

I was a SAHM -

DH would come home and do what was needed - either play with the kids - bath them or read etc - he would cook or clean the kitchen - now the lawns take the bins out - fold washing -
Weekend would be top runs or window washing etc as necessary
He'd take them out Sunday afternoon parknor ball pit so I could catch up or read a book

This morning he's cleaned the bathroom and made the bed and put a wash on - I've cleaned the kitchen and cooked breakfast

It's possible to do both - otherwise I'd be completely shattered

Don't be passive aggressive. You need to be direct, clear and strict with it.

"said that when I go back to work we'd have to divide up chores and he told me that was ridiculous and howbthe fuck do other families manage." uh, we divide the chores!

Dude, get a cleaner. Honestly, it's the best thing we ever did. That's how much cleaning costs, whether we do it or pay someone else to do it.

It might buy you enough headspace to work on the rest, and he might begin to appreciate the value of domestic work.

Valentine I already did that with help and told him he could pay me 18k and he laughed

In your place, I think a cleaner should be high on your priority list. And a hammer to whack him over the head.... or a cattle prod.

Greentulips I'm so jealous!
I used to scream non stop I'm hardly passive. I'm just tired of shouting and physically exhausted.

What about taking control in a bloodless coup? Get a full time job & tell him it is his turn to stay at home while you work & support the family. Then just fuck off out to your job every day leaving him at home to deal with the fall out, then come home (late) and moan about the mess.

Ok so I'm picturing a cleaner who will come for let's say 6 hours a week-the minute she goes he will shit up the kitchen with his fried food binges, piss on the floor and within 12 hours it's back to how it was.

It took a long time for him to 'get' it - that I didn't get a lunch break or holidays - no down time with 3 under 2 - he had his hobbies drinks after work an hours bus ride home to read the paper etc

The luminaries-my job wouldn't even cover the mortgage but I love the idea of that.

I'm actually boring myself now.

If he doesn't change I'm divorcing him. So disrespectful.

Personally, I would tell him that I don't want to share a bed with him as I don't respect him any more, and he can't possibly respect me if he places so little value on the things I do.

Then I would put ALL his mess in his bed. All of it. Fry up mess, clothes, dirty towels left in inappropriate places, all of it. (This will also stop the daytime napping)

And then I would explain that I'm doing my job. Which is to look after the children and the house, not clear up after the adult man-child I seemed to have been lumbered with.

Sahm here. He is massively taking the piss. I couldn't live with someone like that tbh. You'd be better off on your own - at least you wouldn't be clearing up after some lazy bastard everyday!
Sah only works where there is mutual respect. He sees you as a skivvy - I don't think I could be arsed to put in the effort try and retrain him. He's not a bloody dog.

I don't sleep with him
He's on the sofa.